free, extra roller coaster rides

i can't find a therapist who is on my insurance plan and in a 15 mile radius of me and has had special training in grief and loss. i can, however, find many who are certified for substance abuse. what does that say about cleveland?

the therapist to which the grief referral center sent me called me today, and was lovely, but (despite my clearly stated request to the center) is not on my insurance plan. she was kind enough, though, to tell me what i need to ask when i check out other therapists and to offer to review my insurer's approved provider list and see if she could recommend anyone on it.

i then spent an hour on the phone (at work, no less!) with the mental health case worker from my insurance company, who has no idea who specializes in grief issues. all she can do is scan their entire list of approved providers and tell me which ones have the word "grief" in their summaries. i hung up with a list of nearly 20 providers to try.

the original, not-on-my-insurance therapist didn't know any of them.

the most promising one, a woman who specializes in both grief and women's issues, and who works out of the ob/gyn center of a reputable hospital affiliated with mine that is only about 20 minutes away, was out of the office, but her secretary called me back to let me know that she is booked solid for several weeks and couldn't possibly see me. she told me i should ask my insurer for another referral, but if i absolutely had to see her, she could give me a call next week to see if she thought i was a good fit, and then it would be about a month before i could have an actual office visit.

well, fuck you very much.

i worked down the list. therapists 2 through 19 did not have any special grief training, among other failings. and then, guess what? number 20 fit all the requirements! and she works for a christian counseling service.

i give up.

my head was in my hands on my desk when the phone rang. i ignored it. then the phone rang again, and i recognized justin's cell number; he was calling to tell me that my it was my ob that called and that he would be calling me back at work in a few minutes. i waited. my ob called again, and he let me know that they had the pathology results and that the miscarriage was caused by triploidy, or a whole extra set of 23 chromosomes, on top of the requisite 23 from each of us. my doctor was encouraged, because it's something completely random and not the result of any problem with me or justin.

he went on to talk about how long pathology had been working on it, and i said, "to tell you the truth, i'm kind of surprised to have the results already." he noted that it had been a while. "not that long," i said. nonetheless, he said, we've got the results, and they're good news for our future prospects.

after i called justin, i listened to my voice mail, and there was the message my ob had left when i ignored his first call. "after we spoke," he said, "i went back and checked with pathology and we did have results after all." the wheels started turning in my mind. my d&c was (late) on the 3rd; today is the 21st. he told me repeatedly that it took four weeks to even grow the culture on which the tests would then be run. it hasn't even been three weeks yet. and i didn't speak to him earlier today, or this week. the last time i spoke to him was in the recovery room after the d&c. i have a checkup next week, but the pathology results wouldn't have been back by then. i haven't called and asked for results, because at minimum it would be the first of november before there were any results.

i don't think the information he gave me was mine.

i called his office back immediately. of course, it was 4:35 and the office closes at 4:30. i left a message, but it will be monday until his secretary retrieves it and gives it to him. so who knows? certainly not me.

justin arrived at my office to pick me up at 5:00. i told him i don't think the triploidy diagnosis is ours. he freaked out. the thrust of the freak out was that i was not content to accept the one piece of positive news we've had all year. the ride home was long, and not just because of traffic.

justin eventually came to the conclusion that it was good that i question my health care team and that maybe there was some sense in what i was saying, but then he needed a new target for his frustration, so then he ranted about the hospital and what a (and i paraphrase) screw-up the whole operation is. we differ here - there are things he views as screw-ups that i do not. and we don't know yet what happened today. did my ob confuse me with someone else? (lovely thought.) did the lab switch specimens? we won't know until next week. until then, i'm not making any decisions. and i reminded justin that it was my body and it was up to me who i saw for obstetrical care. that sat really well with him.

we managed a truce, and he gave me my birthday card and then let me open my gift. four years ago, on my 32nd birthday, i bought a mola, a unique fabric art form of the kuna people of san blas, off the coast of colombia. (i had a memorable birthday in san blas, but that story is too long for today.) i had always planned to have it mounted and framed, but here we are, four years later. justin took my mola and had it beautifully framed for me. it is in a rustic wooden frame that suits it perfectly. after much deliberation, we have hung it in our living room. it is fabulous and perfect.

tomorrow we have to do some housecleaning and marketing and cooking, and then we are going to our friend charlie's 1st birthday party, and then we are coming back here for our party. i'm hoping tomorrow is all moments like when i opened the mola and none like i experienced on the phone today. i need some stability.