wicked or crazy? you decide.
my brother tells me that my dad survived his surgery and is now in the icu. i'm considering the surprising fact that i feel a little bit of disappointment. i'd like to think it's because he's in so much pain and i think it would be better to be done with it than to linger in pain for two more years. and yet underneath there may be a bit of a wish to be done with him. i made my final peace with him, within myself, this weekend. i'm ready to be done managing the parameters of our relationship. if he rests in peace, then i can.
am i wicked? inhuman? not as at peace as i'd like to think? just tired of it all? i don't know.
but what i surely must be is premenstrual. there's no other reasonable explanation for the seesaw of emotions i am experiencing over whether or not to stay up to watch the cavaliers' season opener or from which shelter we might adopt a family for christmas or which mini candy bar to select from the bag my co-worker brought to the office because her kids are young enough that they don't like chocolate.
if i'm not the queen of pms, then what the fook is wrong with me???
i'm going to go look at crate & barrel's site. their merchandise always sedates me.
am i wicked? inhuman? not as at peace as i'd like to think? just tired of it all? i don't know.
but what i surely must be is premenstrual. there's no other reasonable explanation for the seesaw of emotions i am experiencing over whether or not to stay up to watch the cavaliers' season opener or from which shelter we might adopt a family for christmas or which mini candy bar to select from the bag my co-worker brought to the office because her kids are young enough that they don't like chocolate.
if i'm not the queen of pms, then what the fook is wrong with me???
i'm going to go look at crate & barrel's site. their merchandise always sedates me.

9 Comments:
As a kid I'd watch Disney movies and of course there'd always be some horrible drama with someone in awful danger (think Dumbo, Bambi) and I'd just watch the corner of the screen for the reel to change (you know, those little circles that come up) and want it to all be over because it was too emotional and I didn't want to have to feel anymore, or wait for the inevitable stress to come to pass because I didn't want to feel scared or sad. If everything was quiet at the end I knew it would be okay, even if Dumbo and Bambi never saw their mothers again. There'd at least be resolution, stability.
I hate Disney movies.
Hope the Crate and Barrel fix helped. You're not crazy.
You're not crazy. Or inhuman. Probably just fatigued after years of strain and imagining that it could be all over soon - for good.
May I also just say that no kids are too young to love chocolate. Your co-worker is fibbing just so all the grown ups can feel like they are doing a good deed while they guzzle down all the sweets they wouldn't otherwise allow themselves...it's true;) BUt I do think that adults appreciate the finery of chocolate far more than kiddies!
Nope, not wicked. One of the feelings I felt when my dad died was relief, and it wasn't all about ending his pain. It was a relief to know that there would be no more 3 a.m. phone calls when he really meant to phone someone else, no more conversations about his drinking, no need to ever visit him in jail again and, best of all, no waiting for the news that he'd killed someone whilst driving drunk. Even though I miss him and I wish his life had turned out differently my life and the lives of a lot of people are a lot easier without him. That is horribly sad, and it is also reality.
I don't think your are wicked or inhuman at all. I think you are a person. A human. It's all okay. You can feel however you wish.
Oh, and a trip to Williams Sonoma always doe it for me...
There is nothing wicked or crazy about wishing for some peace in your life.
Ah, retail therapy.
Welcome back, Aunt Flo. Thanks for the surging hormones.
I hope you feel like yourself soon. PMS sucks, especially in light of, well, how shitty this year has been to you.
I don't think you're a bad person to wish for some finalty. It's hard to be always on the edge of tragedy. It feels good sometimes to know the answer.
Neither wicked or crazy. It is completely normal to crave freedom and peace from this binding complicated relationship. I know exactly how you feel. May you find peace no matter what happens to your father.
You don't want your father to suffer anymore and you're ready for some peace in your own life -- I don't see anything malevolent about that. I hope that there is some peace for you soon, whatever happens. And boo to PMS!!!
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