i'm a little sunbeam
my blood sugar numbers continue to creep up, regardless of what i do, and wow, do i feel great about it.
i find myself increasingly reliving the events around hans's death. for a long time after he died, i kept reliving the moment on the ultrasound table when they confirmed there was no heartbeat, but now i get to re-experience other good times, like the breakfast the hour before that last ultrasound, when i still hoped the ob would say, "let's have a baby today," and when i mistakenly thought i felt hans kick. another greatest hit: just after i delivered hans with a final push, when i saw but couldn't hear justin say, " the cord's wrapped around his neck!" then there's the one where i was sitting on a disgusting couch in the L&D "special" waiting room, waiting for them to admit me, in shock, holding justin's mom's hand while justin and his brother went to get the suitcase that was waiting in the car.
why didn't i think to have pictures taken? what a great scrapbook these events would make. we could look at them over and over. "remember, honey, when i was mid-labor, and your grandma kept telling those crazy 'we were so poor' jokes? wasn't that a hoot!" "ha, ha, ha, dear, those were good times!"
reliving those good times is interfering with my sleep, and with my ability to actually get any work done. this afternoon, i spent a good 15 minutes on the throne in the ladies' room, crying about hans's cord - followed by another 5 mintues of pressing cold, wet paper towels to my eyes and nose to try to make them less red. life is good.
i'm going to go buy a christening present for justin's second cousin we've never met and a birthday present for his stepsister that we see on holidays - feel the excitement - and then i'm going to go see somethind mindless ("the break-up" seems a likely candidate) and let my brain empty out for a while. have a nice weekend.
i find myself increasingly reliving the events around hans's death. for a long time after he died, i kept reliving the moment on the ultrasound table when they confirmed there was no heartbeat, but now i get to re-experience other good times, like the breakfast the hour before that last ultrasound, when i still hoped the ob would say, "let's have a baby today," and when i mistakenly thought i felt hans kick. another greatest hit: just after i delivered hans with a final push, when i saw but couldn't hear justin say, " the cord's wrapped around his neck!" then there's the one where i was sitting on a disgusting couch in the L&D "special" waiting room, waiting for them to admit me, in shock, holding justin's mom's hand while justin and his brother went to get the suitcase that was waiting in the car.
why didn't i think to have pictures taken? what a great scrapbook these events would make. we could look at them over and over. "remember, honey, when i was mid-labor, and your grandma kept telling those crazy 'we were so poor' jokes? wasn't that a hoot!" "ha, ha, ha, dear, those were good times!"
reliving those good times is interfering with my sleep, and with my ability to actually get any work done. this afternoon, i spent a good 15 minutes on the throne in the ladies' room, crying about hans's cord - followed by another 5 mintues of pressing cold, wet paper towels to my eyes and nose to try to make them less red. life is good.
i'm going to go buy a christening present for justin's second cousin we've never met and a birthday present for his stepsister that we see on holidays - feel the excitement - and then i'm going to go see somethind mindless ("the break-up" seems a likely candidate) and let my brain empty out for a while. have a nice weekend.
posted by laura at 5:40 PM
8 Comments:
Thinking of you Laura. Your strength, even of you don't feel strong, is awe inspiring. It'll drag you through this hell and out the other side. Hold on ((hugs))
The numbers will creep up right along with your hormones, I'm sorry to say. Just keep doing what you are doing. All you can do is take it a minute at a time. I know that must not seem very encouraging.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else.
(((((((((hugs))))))))) i hope the movie is appropriately mind-numbing and gives you a break from all this. Thinking of you...
(((((((Laura)))))
Wish I had words to make it all better. I'm sorry things are so rough. Thinking of you.
oh I am sorry you are reliving the moments--so sorry. you are truly an amazing woman.
I am so sorry. Kind of a lurker here, but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
CRAP CRAP CRAP...
Does it matter that I really really just want everything to all of a sudden be ok.
I hope your weekend wasn't horribly sucky. And yes i can imagine that would be almost impossible at times.
I've been there. It's not pretty. And I seem to be going there more lately than not.
On another note, "The Break-Up" is not as mindless as you might think. It was actually serious and a little sad. But maybe that's my hormones talking...
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