no mountain high enough
i feel a little better today, a little more hopeful. we'll see how long it lasts.
milo was a little sluggish to start the old NST this morning but then came through with some fabulous accelerations. i love, love, love seeing those big, dramatic humps on the monitoring print-out.
while i was on the monitor, we heard the fabulous NST nurse saying that my gd gd peri was buying lunch for everyone today. we joked with her that we'd stay around if he was buying lunch...which turned into a conversation about what a lovely person the peri is...which got us into his differing view of milo's delivery from my ob's, and how badly the conversation went with my ob.
it turns out the gd gd peri was the one overseeing NSTs today, and he came in to chat after he reviewed the NST results, and we had a good talk about the delivery and about differences in opinion, and he was just wonderfully sympathetic. he felt my ob wasn't as sympathetic as he could have been to my anxiety and is going to talk to him. woohoo! he also was wonderfully reassuring about the amnio not being risky but rather being the responsible thing to do under the circumstances, and said my ob's concern may be about his own skill at doing them. i wonder if my ob felt his ass starting to smart when the peri said that...
so, i know the peri may not change the ob's mind, or there may be further skirmishes - but at least now i'm not fighting any battles alone. this knowledge will make the next few days much more comfortable for me.
meanwhile...my fabulous, perfect, to-die-for mother-in-law would like to come to our ultrasound next week, and we're trying to decide what to do. we have not told her (or any family, other than my mother, a former RN and current regulatory compliance analyst for a hospital chain) about the gd gd, because she would worry even more, and for nothing, because there's nothing she can do about it and it will all be over soon anyway. if she comes to the ultrasound next wednesday, she will have to be informed, because it will be discussed heavily in the office.
when we talked about it last weekend, i told her something along the lines of: you know, with me being so old and having a history of loss, my ultrasounds aren't shiny, happy celebrations of fetal well-being. they're long, and highly technical, and involve much measuring and other diagnostic things, and this next ultrasound will involve all sorts of technical crap to help formulate the delivery plan. it will not be like my sister-in-law's mid-term ultrasound. it won't be an oh-look-he's-waving-at-us funfest.
she would still like to come. i'm okay with her coming if i first sit down with her this weekend and lay out all the gd gd crap, and after knowing the nitty-gritty she still wants to come. justin isn't sure, though, and i certainly don't want her to come if we're not both okay with it. as of this morning, justin was leaning more towards telling her all the nitty-gritty and that the nitty-gritty is why she can't come - if it's hellish, we want our hell to be private. he reminded me of something i said this morning, during the NST, when the woman in the next room came in with her three older kids; i was appalled and commented to justin that, knowing what i know can happen, i would never, ever take a child to an NST. the chance of horror is minute, but i wouldn't want to chance exposing my child to that horror. he felt the same way about the chance of exposing her.
we're thinking it over today. either way, we've got to talk to her tonight or tomorrow. i wish there was an easy answer.
milo was a little sluggish to start the old NST this morning but then came through with some fabulous accelerations. i love, love, love seeing those big, dramatic humps on the monitoring print-out.
while i was on the monitor, we heard the fabulous NST nurse saying that my gd gd peri was buying lunch for everyone today. we joked with her that we'd stay around if he was buying lunch...which turned into a conversation about what a lovely person the peri is...which got us into his differing view of milo's delivery from my ob's, and how badly the conversation went with my ob.
it turns out the gd gd peri was the one overseeing NSTs today, and he came in to chat after he reviewed the NST results, and we had a good talk about the delivery and about differences in opinion, and he was just wonderfully sympathetic. he felt my ob wasn't as sympathetic as he could have been to my anxiety and is going to talk to him. woohoo! he also was wonderfully reassuring about the amnio not being risky but rather being the responsible thing to do under the circumstances, and said my ob's concern may be about his own skill at doing them. i wonder if my ob felt his ass starting to smart when the peri said that...
so, i know the peri may not change the ob's mind, or there may be further skirmishes - but at least now i'm not fighting any battles alone. this knowledge will make the next few days much more comfortable for me.
meanwhile...my fabulous, perfect, to-die-for mother-in-law would like to come to our ultrasound next week, and we're trying to decide what to do. we have not told her (or any family, other than my mother, a former RN and current regulatory compliance analyst for a hospital chain) about the gd gd, because she would worry even more, and for nothing, because there's nothing she can do about it and it will all be over soon anyway. if she comes to the ultrasound next wednesday, she will have to be informed, because it will be discussed heavily in the office.
when we talked about it last weekend, i told her something along the lines of: you know, with me being so old and having a history of loss, my ultrasounds aren't shiny, happy celebrations of fetal well-being. they're long, and highly technical, and involve much measuring and other diagnostic things, and this next ultrasound will involve all sorts of technical crap to help formulate the delivery plan. it will not be like my sister-in-law's mid-term ultrasound. it won't be an oh-look-he's-waving-at-us funfest.
she would still like to come. i'm okay with her coming if i first sit down with her this weekend and lay out all the gd gd crap, and after knowing the nitty-gritty she still wants to come. justin isn't sure, though, and i certainly don't want her to come if we're not both okay with it. as of this morning, justin was leaning more towards telling her all the nitty-gritty and that the nitty-gritty is why she can't come - if it's hellish, we want our hell to be private. he reminded me of something i said this morning, during the NST, when the woman in the next room came in with her three older kids; i was appalled and commented to justin that, knowing what i know can happen, i would never, ever take a child to an NST. the chance of horror is minute, but i wouldn't want to chance exposing my child to that horror. he felt the same way about the chance of exposing her.
we're thinking it over today. either way, we've got to talk to her tonight or tomorrow. i wish there was an easy answer.
posted by laura at 1:07 PM
5 Comments:
Hmmm...I know, there is no easy answer. We will most likely go to all our ultrasounds alone. After inviting the parents in last time and having all hell break lose, and then having to bear this or that news and trying to be strong to our families is just too much.
On the other hand, she sounds fabulous, and she may be another source of support in formulating a plan?
I hope you get it all sorted out (of course you will!)
Don't you just wish for the "happy happy the baby's waving!" ultrasounds?
Maybe in another lifetime?
Thinking of you 3.
Rach
My MIL started in after my first loss...
'Next time, you're going to have twins!'
And after the second...
'You're going to have triplets!'
And when I had my third pregnancy, I told her, 'I know you want twins or triplets, which I can appreciate, but it's putting a lot of pressure on me.'
And then I got my first beta and I knew in my heart that it was not good. I told her, 'I know you want twins. But we'll be lucky if we even get one.'
Then I lost that one too. Already she said, 'You're going to conceive that baby in Amsterdam. I just know it. To which I told her no, we can't even try yet. But she thinks we should anyway... presumably for quads.
Bottom line: Keep her away. Let her imagination show her what she wants. Because it'll never be as good as she wants it to be (even if Milo is waving). Mothers-in-law have a flimsy hold on reality, and in some cases it's best to keep it that way.
We did take my mother to one of Gideon's. I wanted her to come because it was sort of a...well, she may not get to ever see her grandson...kind of thing for me. I don't know...take the joy where you can get it? Don't do it if will just make you more stressed.
Ugh. I'm sorry the ob and the peri don't agree. Mine didn't either, but then my blood pressure went all wacky. I dunno what to tell you. I would say that c-sections suck, and you are likely to end up with one if you're induced really early...but I know that means absolutely nothing to you right now. Blah....Milo should just be here now safe and sound!
I don't know about that one, but i am sure you will figure out what is best for everyone.
And no need to be too jealous, i got you something for Milo too! Now i just need your address...
I agree with Rox about the joy. If you will have an ounce of joy from taking her, take her. If not, forget it.
I disagree with Rox about the induction though. I'm sure if you were a good resonder with Hans, you will have no problem with Milo.
You are this much closer to having Milo in your arms. Every two hours. :) I can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT!!! It's hard for me to imagine that you want him to be born more than I do.
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