an account of the weekend, wherein things were good, then got bad, then got very good
now that i've posted what i wrote saturday morning, i feel like i can write again. woo-hoo! i missed it.
not that i had much time to write. i woke up at 6 on saturday (of course - only on the weekends - it must be my inner seven year old), and after i wrote i got creative with what was in my refrigerator and made a butternut squash frittata, which was tastier than it sounds, and then we ran a million errands and ate lunch at chipotle (my favorite fast food!!!). by 1:30 we had even braved the crowds at trader joe's and were on our way home - normally we're doing good to be out of the house by 1:30 on a saturday. i think for me it was the relief of having dealt with hans's things that fueled my energy.
we got his room turned back into our guest room, although it's still hot pepper green and has his french calendar hanging on the wall, and got our house mostly cleaned before heading out to talkies to see fritz lang's "spies" and hear lingua accompany the film. the former owner of our house, who is now our friend, plays with lingua, so it was extra cool to be down with the band, although justin fell asleep. they're accompanying "metropolis" next saturday, which i'd really like to see/hear, but it may be a waste of time if my beloved can't stay coherent.
saturday night hurt. when justin got angry, i felt like he vented his anger at me, as opposed to to me; when he does it, i refuse to take on his anger and separate myself from him. but it was the one time when he needed me more than any time since hans died. it was kind of like when i babysat charlie thursday night, when he shrieked when i reached for him and shrieked when i walked away. after justin nearly put a hole in our living room floor, we managed to talk through it, and we're aiiight now. but those times wear me out. i slept like a log.
on sunday morning we played scrabble (feel free to ask justin who won, and by how much) before he had to go to work. when he left at 1:00, i started cooking. i made four whole-wheat, almost completely organic, totally vegan desserts - coconut cream pie, mocha almond fudge layer cake, apple and raspberry cobbler, and chocolate chip cookies. late in the afternoon, i made rice noodles with onions and black beans in a fig puree/balsamic vinegar sauce, and sesame tofu and peppers and mushrooms. randy and jenny, in from san francisco for a wedding, got there just as i was finishing, and jim came over, and we ate standing up in the kitchen, and then mike and kath and charlie and kath's mom arrived and then justin got home from work, and we ate desserts and drank wine and listened to lcd and charlie haden and ofra haza, and it was the best night i've had in a long time. it's also the most i've drunk in YEARS.
the guest room was already made up for randy and jenny, but before i stumbled up to bed a little before 1 i brought sheets and a pillow down for jim and put the bottle of ibuprofen on the coffee table and suggested that everyone pass it around before calling it a night. i felt a little foolish having to feel my way up the stairs, but i guess i can count it as my one big hurrah between pregnancies.
and what does any of this have to do with hans, besides the fact that i couldn't have consumed that much alcohol if he were alive and i were nursing him? i made hans part of the night. i talked about him. i started sentences with, "since hans died..." or "before hans died..." and i brought him up often enough that people stopped flinching so much when i said his name. or maybe the alcohol made it harder for them to screw up their facial muscle to flinch. whatever. i talked about him. i made it be normal. it felt good.
not that i had much time to write. i woke up at 6 on saturday (of course - only on the weekends - it must be my inner seven year old), and after i wrote i got creative with what was in my refrigerator and made a butternut squash frittata, which was tastier than it sounds, and then we ran a million errands and ate lunch at chipotle (my favorite fast food!!!). by 1:30 we had even braved the crowds at trader joe's and were on our way home - normally we're doing good to be out of the house by 1:30 on a saturday. i think for me it was the relief of having dealt with hans's things that fueled my energy.
we got his room turned back into our guest room, although it's still hot pepper green and has his french calendar hanging on the wall, and got our house mostly cleaned before heading out to talkies to see fritz lang's "spies" and hear lingua accompany the film. the former owner of our house, who is now our friend, plays with lingua, so it was extra cool to be down with the band, although justin fell asleep. they're accompanying "metropolis" next saturday, which i'd really like to see/hear, but it may be a waste of time if my beloved can't stay coherent.
saturday night hurt. when justin got angry, i felt like he vented his anger at me, as opposed to to me; when he does it, i refuse to take on his anger and separate myself from him. but it was the one time when he needed me more than any time since hans died. it was kind of like when i babysat charlie thursday night, when he shrieked when i reached for him and shrieked when i walked away. after justin nearly put a hole in our living room floor, we managed to talk through it, and we're aiiight now. but those times wear me out. i slept like a log.
on sunday morning we played scrabble (feel free to ask justin who won, and by how much) before he had to go to work. when he left at 1:00, i started cooking. i made four whole-wheat, almost completely organic, totally vegan desserts - coconut cream pie, mocha almond fudge layer cake, apple and raspberry cobbler, and chocolate chip cookies. late in the afternoon, i made rice noodles with onions and black beans in a fig puree/balsamic vinegar sauce, and sesame tofu and peppers and mushrooms. randy and jenny, in from san francisco for a wedding, got there just as i was finishing, and jim came over, and we ate standing up in the kitchen, and then mike and kath and charlie and kath's mom arrived and then justin got home from work, and we ate desserts and drank wine and listened to lcd and charlie haden and ofra haza, and it was the best night i've had in a long time. it's also the most i've drunk in YEARS.
the guest room was already made up for randy and jenny, but before i stumbled up to bed a little before 1 i brought sheets and a pillow down for jim and put the bottle of ibuprofen on the coffee table and suggested that everyone pass it around before calling it a night. i felt a little foolish having to feel my way up the stairs, but i guess i can count it as my one big hurrah between pregnancies.
and what does any of this have to do with hans, besides the fact that i couldn't have consumed that much alcohol if he were alive and i were nursing him? i made hans part of the night. i talked about him. i started sentences with, "since hans died..." or "before hans died..." and i brought him up often enough that people stopped flinching so much when i said his name. or maybe the alcohol made it harder for them to screw up their facial muscle to flinch. whatever. i talked about him. i made it be normal. it felt good.
posted by laura at 7:10 PM
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