here's what i'm wondering
first, why me? why was it my son that died? why am i in this tiny percentage of people who lose a child just as he should be being born for reasons that aren't entirely clear? why do i have to live with this event coloring my perception of any other children i have? why, why, why?
second, should i get pregnant again, at what point do i unpack the "another child" box? when is it safe to change the guest room into a nursery again? when can i safely bring home all the gear stored in kath's attic? i can't figure out when it would possibly be safe; it will never be safe. i've been thinking that maybe we won't do more than wash up the clothes and pack a diaper bag for the hospital; we still have the bassinet out and up (we've used it for friends' kids visiting our house), and the only other thing we'll need at first will be the car seat, which i think we could just ask kath or mike to bring to us at the hospital.
but then i think, doesn't my second child deserve as much of my anticipation as the first?
second, should i get pregnant again, at what point do i unpack the "another child" box? when is it safe to change the guest room into a nursery again? when can i safely bring home all the gear stored in kath's attic? i can't figure out when it would possibly be safe; it will never be safe. i've been thinking that maybe we won't do more than wash up the clothes and pack a diaper bag for the hospital; we still have the bassinet out and up (we've used it for friends' kids visiting our house), and the only other thing we'll need at first will be the car seat, which i think we could just ask kath or mike to bring to us at the hospital.
but then i think, doesn't my second child deserve as much of my anticipation as the first?
posted by laura at 7:11 PM
4 Comments:
Laura, First off, sending you many many hugs!! I have been going through a "why me" stage too the past few days. Unfortunately, that never really goes away. Even after you have another child, and you are out shopping and you see 2 kids that should be the same age your kids are and you think why did THEIR kids get to live? Why is it that MY baby didn't? How is it fair? How did WE get to be the chosen ones? I think we are always going to wonder. You just cant help but be a whiney little kid about it all sometimes, and honestly, I think we are more then entitled to act like that from time to time. We got cheated. Bad.
As for a second child, well when I first got pregnant with Evan, I said I didn't want any baby things in the house (they were all packed up and moved to mom's before I even got home from the hospital) But then about half way through the pregnancy I realized that was NOT fair to Evan. It was bad enought that he was being cheated out of having his brother here on earth, it wouldn't be right to cheat him out of the excitement we had waiting for Caleb to arrive. Having things in the house or not wouldn't have made losing Evan any easier or harder, so we jumped in with both feet and had everything set up for him when he was born. Just like it was for Caleb. ((((hugs)))) I wish none of had to wonder about ANY of this.
Hi Laura
It is has been almost 15 months since my son was stillborn and, like you and Julie, I still go through the "why me" stage. And I wonder the same things you do regarding any future pregnancy - what preparation we will do or not do, how will I feel, etc... I just REALLY hope that we both get to that point and we will figure it out as we go along.
Lots of love
I'm right there with you Laura. Don't stress about what will happen when you get pregnant again, you'll know what to do when the time comes. As for the why questions eventually you may come to accept that you will never answer them and be able to carry on even so.
Oh gosh. I want to comment on this, but I am so lost myself about this very topic that I have no advice or words of anything near wisdom. Julie, I think that what you did was brave and right. I hope I am eventually able to be so brave.
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