i sing the body not-so-electric
if i close my eyes and concentrate, i can conjure up the smell of hans in my head...slightly acrid, maybe from the yarn in the blanket they wrapped him in; a low sweet note, like an old bic pen; and something like popcorn or maybe toasted nut (which is kind of ironic since one of his testicles was essentially toast).
i am teetering on the edge of obsession with his body. i drove by the hospital last night, and i wondered if his body was handled with dignity when he left the place. i wonder what it was like to be the mortician who handled him and if he found him to be as beautiful and damaged as i did. i wish before we handed him over the last time we had thought to undress him and look at all of him. the part of him i felt the most was his back, as i held him, but i never actually saw his back.
last halloween as i handed out candy i thought about how we would handle the holiday this year. would one of us walk hans around the neighborhood while the other stayed home to hand out candy? i imagined him in a bumble bee costume, with fuzzy yellow and black stripes and springy antennae. as i laid in bed this morning i told justin i wanted to decorate his little white box with stripes and put antennae on it anyway. i think he thought i was joking and suggested we put a tiny santa hat on it at christmas.
thank god we didn't get lulu the dog - i would probably be driving her nuts with cutesy dog outfits that would just annoy her.
i want him back, all of him. if we hadn't cremated him, i might be tempted to go dig up his body.
i want to feel what i felt when i held him.
i am teetering on the edge of obsession with his body. i drove by the hospital last night, and i wondered if his body was handled with dignity when he left the place. i wonder what it was like to be the mortician who handled him and if he found him to be as beautiful and damaged as i did. i wish before we handed him over the last time we had thought to undress him and look at all of him. the part of him i felt the most was his back, as i held him, but i never actually saw his back.
last halloween as i handed out candy i thought about how we would handle the holiday this year. would one of us walk hans around the neighborhood while the other stayed home to hand out candy? i imagined him in a bumble bee costume, with fuzzy yellow and black stripes and springy antennae. as i laid in bed this morning i told justin i wanted to decorate his little white box with stripes and put antennae on it anyway. i think he thought i was joking and suggested we put a tiny santa hat on it at christmas.
thank god we didn't get lulu the dog - i would probably be driving her nuts with cutesy dog outfits that would just annoy her.
i want him back, all of him. if we hadn't cremated him, i might be tempted to go dig up his body.
i want to feel what i felt when i held him.
posted by laura at 7:36 PM
3 Comments:
Laura, I find myself obsessing about Caleb's body too, and I HAVE thought, more then once, of digging up his body. It's odd, because actually my best friend knows the person that picked Caleb up from the hospital, and he told her how beautiful he was. It comforts me a little, at least I know he was taken good care of and respected the way he should have been. I have alot of regrets about the night he was born though, and they haunt me. I never pulled back the blanket he was wrapped in, and I never looked at him from head to toe. I didn't know what I could and couldn't do. I needed permission, I needed someone to tell me it was ok, and no one did. He was my first child, so I had no idea what to expect, but I never would have expected THIS. I think the bee stripes would be WONDERFUL. Your own special way to celebrate HIM. (((hugs)))
We received Calvin bundled up, and yes, as with Julie and so many more of us, we didn't know what we could do, or should do, or not.
Toni wishes we had unwrapped his blanket and counted his fingers and toes.
I'm so sorry. This is such a sad post. So poignant. I love Halloween and would have loved to dress Charlie up. I think my Lulu will have to wear a stupid costume....:)
Post a Comment
<< Home