the week in review
justin told me something this week that he had been holding inside for the five years plus a little we've known each other. actually, he's never told anyone else, either, so he's been holding it inside even longer. he is inherently incapable of not telling me anything, so it was a little shocking. i'm so proud of him, because i know it must have felt like a huge risk, to tell me something so important, but he was brave enough to do it. it makes me sad for him, that he had this experience, and even more so that he's carried the weight of it alone for so long. i hope with all my heart that telling me is the beginning of something good, something better for him; and i hope that he has the courage to write about it here - i believe there will be great reward for him in writing about it.
he is still the most amazing person i know, not to mention the best thing that ever happened to me. hans's death has made it even more clear to me, and for that i am grateful.
*****
my sister and i had a long talk yesterday. she and my brother-in-law are going to try to work it out. after not getting what the fuss was all about (i didn't PLAN to do it, it wasn't INTENTIONAL, therefore i didn't DO anything wrong), he finally gets it. i hope for my sister's sake and my nephew's sake that he gets it for good and starts to grow up.
*****
my sister had talked to my mom just before she called me, and she recounted my mother's request to point out the woman my brother-in-law had been seeing if they ever ran into her - in a threatening tone. as if, what? my tiny, very religious, very ladylike mother is going to go kick her in the shins or something? oh, yeah - that would show her!
it's a funny thought, but also an uncharacteristic event. my sister also told me about a conversation they had last friday morning that my mother had clearly completely forgotten by friday night. we started comparing notes, and it was scary; my mother is the rock on which we all depend, and it looks like she's crumbling a bit.
i have suspected for years that she is pre-alzheimer's-y, but i've never told my sister. now she understands that our mom is slipping, too. our mother is only 62, and looks ten years younger. she is incredibly proficient and efficient and self-sufficient. she has always taken good care of herself. after 30 years of a debilitating marriage to my father, she overcame the mores that had been drilled into her for her entire life and divorced him, seven years ago last month. since then she has blossomed, and it has been a gift to get to know her apart from her role of holding my father's messes together. while my father has remarried, my mother has not, but i keep hoping for something more for her - if not a partner worthy of her, then something worthwhile and dream-fulfilling - something to make up for all those horrible years with my father.
but i'm starting to have a vision of her continuing to slowly slide. and nothing could be more horrible for such an independent person. she will not take it lying down. she will deny it and fight us if we attempt to protect her in any way. we will have to be the adults, and we don't have much practice at it. fortunately, she created a living will several years ago that gives my sister and me power of attorney. but i wish i would never have to use it.
*****
did i mention that the woman with whom my brother-in-law was involved is named after the virtue of sexual purity? it's true. she is also married to a man who is not the father of any of her four children.
i don't mean to be judgemental. frankly, with my history, i have zero right to be. but i would think if i were named for that virtue i would have a well-developed sense of irony by now and would try to avoid being such a cliche. maybe she's just trying to live down her name. or maybe she doesn't know what it means; i've realized the last couple of days that many people younger than me think it's just a name popularized by cher (sonny who?) and don't know what it means.
either way, it's pathetic.
*****
my co-worker, the insensitive, immature one who thinks she's still in high school, was on vacation all week. even taking on her workload in addition to mine was much less stressful than working with her. we just found out thursday our department is moving yet again (our most recent move was only four weeks ago), and i think this time i may be able to be far, far away from her. woo-hoo!
*****
i am so happy for the successful arrival of orson and looking forward to meeting him briefly tomorrow. i hope he likes chocolate cake.
*****
this morning i'm still processing orson's dad's play. as i review it mentally, i'm also reviewing hans's death, and the three months we've survived since we lost him. i still don't know what any of it means.
*****
i have two pills left in this month's pink compact. i would like for them to be the last two pills i take for a long time, because i want to have at least three menstrual cycles before i conceive so there is no question of fetal age for hans's brother or sister. it was a problem for nine months with hans, and i want to eliminate that piece of anxiety if i can. i know it will be an anxiety-filled journey, so anything i can control, any anxiety i can erase in advance, i want to take care of.
justin isn't quite ready this month to switch to alternate forms of birth control, although we did lay in bed yesterday morning and laugh our heads off about the various options, some of which were inspired by unambitious porn. i thought he understood my anxiety about hans's age, but i realize now he is still processing it and trying to understand why three periods are better than two. i have a week before i would have to fill another month's prescription.
*****
as soon as justin wakes up, i am going to wrap up this week with a long bike ride. and maybe a peach beer. and hopefully no more major events.
he is still the most amazing person i know, not to mention the best thing that ever happened to me. hans's death has made it even more clear to me, and for that i am grateful.
*****
my sister and i had a long talk yesterday. she and my brother-in-law are going to try to work it out. after not getting what the fuss was all about (i didn't PLAN to do it, it wasn't INTENTIONAL, therefore i didn't DO anything wrong), he finally gets it. i hope for my sister's sake and my nephew's sake that he gets it for good and starts to grow up.
*****
my sister had talked to my mom just before she called me, and she recounted my mother's request to point out the woman my brother-in-law had been seeing if they ever ran into her - in a threatening tone. as if, what? my tiny, very religious, very ladylike mother is going to go kick her in the shins or something? oh, yeah - that would show her!
it's a funny thought, but also an uncharacteristic event. my sister also told me about a conversation they had last friday morning that my mother had clearly completely forgotten by friday night. we started comparing notes, and it was scary; my mother is the rock on which we all depend, and it looks like she's crumbling a bit.
i have suspected for years that she is pre-alzheimer's-y, but i've never told my sister. now she understands that our mom is slipping, too. our mother is only 62, and looks ten years younger. she is incredibly proficient and efficient and self-sufficient. she has always taken good care of herself. after 30 years of a debilitating marriage to my father, she overcame the mores that had been drilled into her for her entire life and divorced him, seven years ago last month. since then she has blossomed, and it has been a gift to get to know her apart from her role of holding my father's messes together. while my father has remarried, my mother has not, but i keep hoping for something more for her - if not a partner worthy of her, then something worthwhile and dream-fulfilling - something to make up for all those horrible years with my father.
but i'm starting to have a vision of her continuing to slowly slide. and nothing could be more horrible for such an independent person. she will not take it lying down. she will deny it and fight us if we attempt to protect her in any way. we will have to be the adults, and we don't have much practice at it. fortunately, she created a living will several years ago that gives my sister and me power of attorney. but i wish i would never have to use it.
*****
did i mention that the woman with whom my brother-in-law was involved is named after the virtue of sexual purity? it's true. she is also married to a man who is not the father of any of her four children.
i don't mean to be judgemental. frankly, with my history, i have zero right to be. but i would think if i were named for that virtue i would have a well-developed sense of irony by now and would try to avoid being such a cliche. maybe she's just trying to live down her name. or maybe she doesn't know what it means; i've realized the last couple of days that many people younger than me think it's just a name popularized by cher (sonny who?) and don't know what it means.
either way, it's pathetic.
*****
my co-worker, the insensitive, immature one who thinks she's still in high school, was on vacation all week. even taking on her workload in addition to mine was much less stressful than working with her. we just found out thursday our department is moving yet again (our most recent move was only four weeks ago), and i think this time i may be able to be far, far away from her. woo-hoo!
*****
i am so happy for the successful arrival of orson and looking forward to meeting him briefly tomorrow. i hope he likes chocolate cake.
*****
this morning i'm still processing orson's dad's play. as i review it mentally, i'm also reviewing hans's death, and the three months we've survived since we lost him. i still don't know what any of it means.
*****
i have two pills left in this month's pink compact. i would like for them to be the last two pills i take for a long time, because i want to have at least three menstrual cycles before i conceive so there is no question of fetal age for hans's brother or sister. it was a problem for nine months with hans, and i want to eliminate that piece of anxiety if i can. i know it will be an anxiety-filled journey, so anything i can control, any anxiety i can erase in advance, i want to take care of.
justin isn't quite ready this month to switch to alternate forms of birth control, although we did lay in bed yesterday morning and laugh our heads off about the various options, some of which were inspired by unambitious porn. i thought he understood my anxiety about hans's age, but i realize now he is still processing it and trying to understand why three periods are better than two. i have a week before i would have to fill another month's prescription.
*****
as soon as justin wakes up, i am going to wrap up this week with a long bike ride. and maybe a peach beer. and hopefully no more major events.
posted by laura at 9:21 AM
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