some disjointed rambling - blame it on the peach beer
after i thought my therapist was pushing me out the door, he reeeeeeeled me back in.
i decided to keep my appointment tonight, since i had organized my suicide options since last i saw him - it seemed the responsible thing to do. we did talk about it, but what we talked about for 45 minutes of my hour was my mother - how did grieving my son's death become about her for me? so we worked it over and turned it inside out and came to the conclusion that i already knew - that my mom doesn't get it (she actually lectured me yesterday about being angry - at all - about anything) and she won't, no matter how much i try to explain it, and it's not helpful to me to keep exhausting myself trying to make her understand. at least now i can rest assured that i've examined it completely and work on accepting that there is a gap between us - just another thing subtly changed by hans's death - and move on to things about which i can do something.
my therapist thinks i am pushing as hard as i can through my grief and that a turning point is coming for me, something subtle but obvious to me, and it will get easier for me, and sooner than i think. lovely thought
as we were wrapping up, he asked about my pills, and i found myself wondering aloud, if i still need the pills, should i be trying to get pregnant?
where the hell did that come from?
so instead of saying, so long, i'll call you if i need you, i'm going back in a month. i need some time to think about this thought and figure out what inspired it and see if i can jettison it (the therapist's strong recommendation), and i want to have my pre-pregnancy physical and know what the situation is before we examine this freak thought professionally.
*****
it's officially the weekend for me! i have taken tomorrow off to go see "i hate this" - coincidentally being performed at my hospital - by our friend david, father of calvin and zelda and now orson. and justin and i have from now until sunday noon together. woo-hoo!
i decided to keep my appointment tonight, since i had organized my suicide options since last i saw him - it seemed the responsible thing to do. we did talk about it, but what we talked about for 45 minutes of my hour was my mother - how did grieving my son's death become about her for me? so we worked it over and turned it inside out and came to the conclusion that i already knew - that my mom doesn't get it (she actually lectured me yesterday about being angry - at all - about anything) and she won't, no matter how much i try to explain it, and it's not helpful to me to keep exhausting myself trying to make her understand. at least now i can rest assured that i've examined it completely and work on accepting that there is a gap between us - just another thing subtly changed by hans's death - and move on to things about which i can do something.
my therapist thinks i am pushing as hard as i can through my grief and that a turning point is coming for me, something subtle but obvious to me, and it will get easier for me, and sooner than i think. lovely thought
as we were wrapping up, he asked about my pills, and i found myself wondering aloud, if i still need the pills, should i be trying to get pregnant?
where the hell did that come from?
so instead of saying, so long, i'll call you if i need you, i'm going back in a month. i need some time to think about this thought and figure out what inspired it and see if i can jettison it (the therapist's strong recommendation), and i want to have my pre-pregnancy physical and know what the situation is before we examine this freak thought professionally.
*****
it's officially the weekend for me! i have taken tomorrow off to go see "i hate this" - coincidentally being performed at my hospital - by our friend david, father of calvin and zelda and now orson. and justin and i have from now until sunday noon together. woo-hoo!
posted by laura at 11:39 PM
1 Comments:
lauralu -
Good to hear that you are sorting things out through therapy. Therapists have the weirdest way of turning things around, then inside out, then backwards and you totally end up talking about something that you think is unrelated. Somehow in the end, though, you feel better. About seven years ago, my longtime boyfriend and I broke up. I went to counseling...did we talk about the boyfriend and that relationship? A little. But we mostly talked about my dad and our astrangement and his drinking problem. Somehow that helped me get over the boyfriend. Strange.
Keep us posted and enjoy your weekend!
Post a Comment
<< Home