the effects of being hans's mother today
the immature co-worker is back, and she's mostly kept her mouth shut, thank goodness, except for some random comment about people putting their children out to die which i didn't fully comprehend but seemed uniquely insensitive, even for her.
for some bizarre reason she excitedly told me she picked the spot next to me in our new location. i think she may be immature and insensitive and irritating and insane. great combination.
*****
i heard from kristy today. she co-hosted my baby shower, and so i think it's been a little weird for her - that she threw a shower for a baby who didn't get around to enjoying the fruits of it. she came to the memorial service with her boyfriend and her mom, who was the first person to tell me, "it only happens to the strong" - i wanted to hiss at her, but i knew she meant well. thank god for xanax.
kristy called me while we were in washington state to tell me she and her boyfriend got engaged; i was grateful that i was occupied kneeling over the toilet when she called so i didn't have to respond immediately. her fiance is soooooo good to her, which is why i try to like him, but he is a stereotypical overprivileged white kid who is unintentionally (i think) obnoxious 90% of the time, a rabid republican (gotta protect that family money!), and doesn't know when to stop running a formerly funny joke into the ground.
i figured i had some leeway in responding to people's good news when it had only been three weeks since my son's death, so i waited to call her back until we got home a week later. i left several messages but never heard from her, so i thought maybe the whole thing was just too weird for her. and then she e-mailed today and we're having dinner tomorrow. i'm so relieved. i don't want to lose her.
*****
every time i have an unoccupied moment today, i've found myself asking, what does it all mean? what does hans's death mean? i don't know. maybe there is no greater meaning. what a waste that would be.
i do know it has changed things, both for the better and for the worse. i am closer to justin than ever. there is a new wedge between me and my mom. my college roommate and kindred spirit and treasured friend of 18 years admitted she didn't know what to say and then evaporated. i have a deeper appreciation for most of the rest of our friends, who have stuck it out with us, whether they knew what to say or not. i am terrified that my irritatingly-cautious husband will have a fatal accident. when someone offers to do something for me, i accept. i look forward to raising our children more than ever. any future pregnancy will be an adventure in anxiety as much as anticipation.
but do any of those things count as meaning? i don't think so. i don't think there is any meaning in his loss. that sucks.
maybe the scholarship fund is an attempt to make some meaning where there is none. but i think it would be much better for hans to be alive and growing and gearing up to have his own influence on the world than for us to try to do it for him.
i want some meaning, dammit.
for some bizarre reason she excitedly told me she picked the spot next to me in our new location. i think she may be immature and insensitive and irritating and insane. great combination.
*****
i heard from kristy today. she co-hosted my baby shower, and so i think it's been a little weird for her - that she threw a shower for a baby who didn't get around to enjoying the fruits of it. she came to the memorial service with her boyfriend and her mom, who was the first person to tell me, "it only happens to the strong" - i wanted to hiss at her, but i knew she meant well. thank god for xanax.
kristy called me while we were in washington state to tell me she and her boyfriend got engaged; i was grateful that i was occupied kneeling over the toilet when she called so i didn't have to respond immediately. her fiance is soooooo good to her, which is why i try to like him, but he is a stereotypical overprivileged white kid who is unintentionally (i think) obnoxious 90% of the time, a rabid republican (gotta protect that family money!), and doesn't know when to stop running a formerly funny joke into the ground.
i figured i had some leeway in responding to people's good news when it had only been three weeks since my son's death, so i waited to call her back until we got home a week later. i left several messages but never heard from her, so i thought maybe the whole thing was just too weird for her. and then she e-mailed today and we're having dinner tomorrow. i'm so relieved. i don't want to lose her.
*****
every time i have an unoccupied moment today, i've found myself asking, what does it all mean? what does hans's death mean? i don't know. maybe there is no greater meaning. what a waste that would be.
i do know it has changed things, both for the better and for the worse. i am closer to justin than ever. there is a new wedge between me and my mom. my college roommate and kindred spirit and treasured friend of 18 years admitted she didn't know what to say and then evaporated. i have a deeper appreciation for most of the rest of our friends, who have stuck it out with us, whether they knew what to say or not. i am terrified that my irritatingly-cautious husband will have a fatal accident. when someone offers to do something for me, i accept. i look forward to raising our children more than ever. any future pregnancy will be an adventure in anxiety as much as anticipation.
but do any of those things count as meaning? i don't think so. i don't think there is any meaning in his loss. that sucks.
maybe the scholarship fund is an attempt to make some meaning where there is none. but i think it would be much better for hans to be alive and growing and gearing up to have his own influence on the world than for us to try to do it for him.
i want some meaning, dammit.
posted by laura at 5:36 PM
2 Comments:
What does that mean? "It only happens to the strong." Does that mean that if you are weak, you are rewarded? Crap. I'll take weak any day then.
We struggled with the meaning question as well. Our grief therapist asked us how we dealt with things when neither of us believed in a higher power; apparently that helps people create meaning. I'm okay with Strummer's life and death not having a 'cosmic' meaning, she means so many things to those that know her and us and I'm happy with those kinds of meanings.
I'm with vixanne, I'll be a weak old wimpy dishrag if that gets me a live baby! Oh wait, no I won't, and I'll be damned if I'm going to believe that I'm supposed to suck it up because I'm strong.
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