discombobulation
i realized this morning that i really didn't think about hans at all yesterday, other than as a reference to marking time (as in, "after i delivered hans..."). one part of me feels excited and fresh - it's a sign i'm getting on with my life! another part of me thinks, "what is wrong with me? how horrible a mother am i??? i must be a monster!" yet another part is sad that at least the most intensive period of mourning is over for me; it's the same part that would like to wallow in hansedness, hansocity, hansismo.
i'm proud of how far i've come, how much i've changed, how deeply i've grieved, how hard i've pushed through it. but have i pushed too hard? i don't know.
*****
the hospital chaplain has some pictures of hans. we already got one that the nurse took and sent off to some company to be developed. apparently, for reasons to which i am not privy, some time later the company sends back to the hospital the rest of the roll. i don't know if it's other shots of hans or negatives or what, but i'm going to pick them up in a few minutes. i'm hoping that maybe there's a nicer picture of him, but then again, if there was, i would think that they would have developed and sent back that one originally. we took many really good pictures - except that we forgot to turn the flash on, so our pictures are all grainy. the portrait we got from the hospital, with good lighting, was taken after he was cleaned up, when his wounds were more obvious. as beautiful as he was, it's not a very pretty picture. but my god, he was so beautiful. he looked incredibly like justin, and maybe just a little like me around the eyes. such long fingers and feet; where in the world did he get those features from? i wish i could have a peek at what he would have looked like now, after four months, had he lived. i will always want to know.
i'm proud of how far i've come, how much i've changed, how deeply i've grieved, how hard i've pushed through it. but have i pushed too hard? i don't know.
*****
the hospital chaplain has some pictures of hans. we already got one that the nurse took and sent off to some company to be developed. apparently, for reasons to which i am not privy, some time later the company sends back to the hospital the rest of the roll. i don't know if it's other shots of hans or negatives or what, but i'm going to pick them up in a few minutes. i'm hoping that maybe there's a nicer picture of him, but then again, if there was, i would think that they would have developed and sent back that one originally. we took many really good pictures - except that we forgot to turn the flash on, so our pictures are all grainy. the portrait we got from the hospital, with good lighting, was taken after he was cleaned up, when his wounds were more obvious. as beautiful as he was, it's not a very pretty picture. but my god, he was so beautiful. he looked incredibly like justin, and maybe just a little like me around the eyes. such long fingers and feet; where in the world did he get those features from? i wish i could have a peek at what he would have looked like now, after four months, had he lived. i will always want to know.
posted by laura at 6:35 PM
3 Comments:
I'm told it's not a straight line. Grief, that is. And just when you expect that you're through the worst of it, you could very well have a bad day that lands you back at square one. The difference is, of course, that a repeat visit to square one will bring with it the certainty that this too will pass (as opposed to that first visit where time feels as though it has stopped and you wonder how you will ever move from that spot). Don't question it...just feel it and accept it.
Or so I'm told.
(((((((((Laura))))))))) I wanted to stay intensly sad forever. Sometimes I feel like I am not sad enough. I think of Caleb each day, and at times I dont even realize it. I miss that intense grief for some reason. Maybe because then he didnt feel so far away??
I am sure Hans was beautiful. It sucks that the picture we get are not always how we remember our babies. I hope you get some amazing pictures of him. Maybe the pics without the flash can be touched up somehow?? I hope so.
I'm hoping for you that you get the image you wish for in more ways than one. It's ok to remember and move forward at the same time. Thinking of your family and wishing you all well.
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