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thank you for your kind words about hans. i didn't mean to go compliment-fishing; i just couldn't stop looking at his pictures wednesday night and i didn't know how else to express what i was feeling.

i'm in a better place today. for one thing, i got eight straight hours of sleep - an unheard-of thing for me of late. for another, i slept next to justin; twice this week he has had to stay at the airport all night, and when he is not here after dark, i hear things. i can turn the tv on and not hear those noises, but then the flickering light and noise interrupt my sleep. so it's been a crappy week for sleep.

*****

i picked up justin's grandma and took her to dinner last night. she is 73 but was still working until she was laid off about six weeks ago, and she doesn't drive, so she is always happy to get out of the house. we went to nuevo acapulco and ate seafood burritos and talked about hans, and about justin's cousin who came out a few months ago, and about her husband, who left her 26 years ago (i think, if my math's right). i noticed last night she wasn't wearing her wedding band. when justin and i started dating, it was one of the first things i noticed about her (that she still wore it) and it made me sad.

i love her, and she has always been exceptionally wonderful to me, but i used to be privately critical of her - that she never learned to drive, that she still talked about justin's grandpa like they just divorced last week, that she was religiously judgmental. i don't know about the driving thing, but i've learned she's not really judgmental at all, as evidenced by how she led the way in the extended family accepting justin's gay cousin when his own parents were freaking out. and she told me a little about her husband leaving her that i had never heard, and apparently neither had justin.

in the midst of their separation, justin's grandpa called her and told her his wallet had been stolen, with all his credit cards inside, so not to use any of them. she found it odd that every single card had been stolen, since he usually kept some of them in a box, so she called american express and asked if her husband had called to report the card stolen. they told her he had not, so she said, well, let me do that right now, and proceeded to cancel all of his cards. i had no idea she had that in her.

justin's grandpa is seriously declining, and his much younger wife (who has never been anything but lovely to me but hasn't endeared herself to much of anyone else) has taken a leave of absence to take care of him. maybe the fact that he is finally experiencing some misfortune freed her up to take off the ring and stop playing the wronged wife. i hope so. she deserves a happier life than that one. we all do.

we talked about how much family means to us, and i told her how lucky i was to have such wonderful in-laws who treat me like i was already family. she looked me in the eye and said emphatically that it had more to do with the kind of person i am. that floored me. i suddenly thought about another of justin's cousins, the only other one who has married so far, and realized his wife does not enjoy the same relationship with the family that i do. she is the one whose first child is due on hans's due date, and everyone is happy for her, but i don't sense the same excitement as when we announced that hans was on the way. i think it's to my advantage that i'm older, only five years younger than justin's youngest aunt, so i have more in common with the "adults" in the family. whatever it is, i appreciate it.

as expected, i heard the usual litany of justin-stories. his grandma babysat for him while his parents were at work when he was a toddler, so the canon is large. like the one about justin's uncle, who was in high school at the time, stuffing t-shirts up the back of justin's shirt, and telling him to go tell his grandma he was the hunchback of notre dame; he went to her and announced he was "da hunchback from da udder day." or how he used to say "nepo" all the time, which made no sense to them until the day he said it as he knocked on the door of the toy box his uncle had made for him and painted the word "open" on the door.

last night the new one i heard was about how his grandma and uncle used to pull him around and around the house in a little wagon, and after they had worn themselves out, he would say, "go to burger king!" so they would pull him for another lap and they would pretend to go through the drive-thru at burger king and order. then he would yell, "go to mcdonald's!" and they'd have to do it again. not so much the little vegetarian and anti-globalization activist then, eh?

another time-honored favorite: the time he sadly announced "i cramped" when he had pooped his pants. how could i not love this man????

though they annoy justin, i have always loved hearing these stories, no matter how often i hear them. of late, they mean even more to me, not only because i love justin more than ever, but also because i feel they give me a little insight into what hans might have been like as a toddler. i'll take any insights i can get.