see ya!
the next time i turn on the air conditioner, the tadpole will probably be at home with us. whoa.
the canadian geese that populate (and poopulate) my office parking lot every summer have been gathering in the retention pond, seemingly engaging in lively discussion on when they need to leave to make it to OSU in time for football season. when i walk outside, that warm pang no longer hits me; it's been replaced by a grey shiver. and in the time-tested tradition, i've got a changing-of-the-seasons bug, keeping me home from work (and not really helping with the nausea).
i can't believe summer is essentially over. i thought this would be the summer of taking hans all over the neighborhood in his silver jogging stroller and taking him for his first dip in the block pool. i thought justin would be taking a leave of absence to stay home with hans for the summer, culminating in a big road trip this month across the western united states. i thought about now i might be weaning hans (i have my doubts about being able to breastfeed full time for very long). i thought i would have spent my sunday afternoons in the yard on blankets with kath, and charlie and hans, comparing notes about their development and complaining about how little time there was for anything else but not really caring all that much.
instead, this has been my summer of doubt: doubt about a god who would allow hans to die. doubt about the merits of going back on serzone. doubt about being able to get pregnant again. doubt about what to do with the rest of my life, work-wise. and while it's ending on a high note (the tadpole is percolating!), i can't help but have at least a little doubt that we'll ever bring home a live child.
i'm glad the summer is over. i'm not afraid to admit it! (remind me of that when i complain about winter.) i'm tired of the heat, and the uncertainty, and the grief, and the unremitting growth of weeds in my garden, with which i will never, ever be able to keep up.
i kind of wish i was going back to school now; i miss the tingly optimism i always used to feel around labor day. i'd like to be buying cute plaid skirts and picking out spiral notebooks and pencils and thinking about pep rallies. but that was like a lifetime ago.
so this fall, i am looking forward to wearing my new scarlet red maternity top, even if it is with the same old black maternity pants that were the only ones in which i was ever comfortable. i'm looking forward to ultrasounds and tiny, galloping heartbeats, and will try to expect that the heartbeat will always be there with the same confidence i used to have that this would be the year the football team would have a perfect season, that peter f. would finally notice me and ask me out, that my parents would finally lighten up on me. i am looking forward to my 36th birthday party/rocktoberfest that justin is already planning. i'm looking forward to our week in naples in december, probably our last trip before the tadpole joins us (unless i can persuade my doctor of the benefits of another trans-atlantic flight early in the third trimester).
so, sayonara, summer! and don't let the fall kick you on your way out.
the canadian geese that populate (and poopulate) my office parking lot every summer have been gathering in the retention pond, seemingly engaging in lively discussion on when they need to leave to make it to OSU in time for football season. when i walk outside, that warm pang no longer hits me; it's been replaced by a grey shiver. and in the time-tested tradition, i've got a changing-of-the-seasons bug, keeping me home from work (and not really helping with the nausea).
i can't believe summer is essentially over. i thought this would be the summer of taking hans all over the neighborhood in his silver jogging stroller and taking him for his first dip in the block pool. i thought justin would be taking a leave of absence to stay home with hans for the summer, culminating in a big road trip this month across the western united states. i thought about now i might be weaning hans (i have my doubts about being able to breastfeed full time for very long). i thought i would have spent my sunday afternoons in the yard on blankets with kath, and charlie and hans, comparing notes about their development and complaining about how little time there was for anything else but not really caring all that much.
instead, this has been my summer of doubt: doubt about a god who would allow hans to die. doubt about the merits of going back on serzone. doubt about being able to get pregnant again. doubt about what to do with the rest of my life, work-wise. and while it's ending on a high note (the tadpole is percolating!), i can't help but have at least a little doubt that we'll ever bring home a live child.
i'm glad the summer is over. i'm not afraid to admit it! (remind me of that when i complain about winter.) i'm tired of the heat, and the uncertainty, and the grief, and the unremitting growth of weeds in my garden, with which i will never, ever be able to keep up.
i kind of wish i was going back to school now; i miss the tingly optimism i always used to feel around labor day. i'd like to be buying cute plaid skirts and picking out spiral notebooks and pencils and thinking about pep rallies. but that was like a lifetime ago.
so this fall, i am looking forward to wearing my new scarlet red maternity top, even if it is with the same old black maternity pants that were the only ones in which i was ever comfortable. i'm looking forward to ultrasounds and tiny, galloping heartbeats, and will try to expect that the heartbeat will always be there with the same confidence i used to have that this would be the year the football team would have a perfect season, that peter f. would finally notice me and ask me out, that my parents would finally lighten up on me. i am looking forward to my 36th birthday party/rocktoberfest that justin is already planning. i'm looking forward to our week in naples in december, probably our last trip before the tadpole joins us (unless i can persuade my doctor of the benefits of another trans-atlantic flight early in the third trimester).
so, sayonara, summer! and don't let the fall kick you on your way out.
posted by laura at 6:22 PM
4 Comments:
I was so afraid of this summer. But we survived it and I'm almost sad to see it go because it means I'm one step further away from Alex.
I'm glad you're able to look forward with anticipation. I'm not quite there yet, so it's nice to see for you.
Sorry about the lyrical confusion earlier. I guess I must be unhip if I didn't get the '80s pop song reference. I still haven't figured out what song it's from. I guess Kathleen Hanna must have had that song in mind and quoted it. And actually, if you read the line in context with the Bikini Kill song, it was appropriate for your post. Posting the Bikini Kill reference was just my way of saying, "Hi, I'm still reading and congrats on the tadpole!"
Actually, I was going to dedicate a song to you last week. I played it, but I thought "I bet she's not even listening," and chickened out. It was a Neutral Milk Hotel song called "A Baby For Pree". The guy from NMH wrote it for a friend called Pree who was having a baby. "She'll be swimming in babies forevermore." Honestly, I feel good about the tadpole. I just feel bad that it has to come out in a world ruled by Chimpy McFlightsuit. :( I'm sure we'll do something about that in a while, though.
Here, I'll post the lyrics to the Bikini Kill song in case you're interested in understanding what I was trying to reference.
"Double Dare Ya"
We're bikini kill and we want revolution
Girl-style now!!!
Hey girlfriend
I got a proposition
Goes something like this:
Dare ya to
Do what you want
Dare ya to
Be who you will
Dare ya to
Cry right out loud
"you get so emotional baby"
Double dare ya, double dare ya, double dare ya
Girl fuckin friend
I double dare ya
I triple dare ya
Double triple fuckin
Dipple fuckin dare ya
Don't you talk out of line
Don't go speaking out of your turn
Gotta listen to what the man says
Time to make his stomach burn
Burn, burn, burn, burn
(double dare ya)
You're a big girl now
You've got no reason
Not to fight
You've got to know
What they are
Fore you can stand up
For your rights
Rights, rights, rights?
You have them, you know.
Fall is normally my favorite time of year, but of course it's harder when you have to try not to think of all the things you'd be doing with a new life in your family...
You are doing remarkably well for all you've been through! I admire your courage. :)
_, i really appreciate your kind thoughts and encouragement. i'm sorry i missed the song you played for me; i'll look it up, though. i listen as often as i can to your show, mainly in the first hour; by the second hour i'm up to my eyeballs in monday morning meetings.
please don't waste any energy on figuring out the 80's drivel - it's whitney houston's "so emotional" from her 1987 album "whitney". although she'd be about the right age, i sincerely doubt k. hanna is referring to whitney.
Post a Comment
<< Home