a friend of a friend
just lost her baby. she was due 11 January. my friend hasn't seen her friend yet, but hopes to visit her within the next day or two and was hoping that i might be able to give her some ideas on how she could best help: words of advice, books, support groups ... anything that i can think of.
my advice, for today, is to just be with her friend when her friend is ready to be with her and to talk to her about her child, as much as her friend is comfortable talking. that's one thing that i think is really important.
beyond that, i'd mentioned that i would take inventory on which books would be best to read, and when. do you have any suggestions? i really haven't read any of the "grief" books and note that many of you each have your own suggestions on your blogs, so I would have a hard time narrowing it down. i appreciate any insight.
i'm also going to recommend, probably not immediately, that they listen to davids "i hate this". i've just put my finger on why i've so enjoyed the play: these are experiances which i fealt - where i fealt as though i was completely alone - the play, as poignant as it was to watch/listen, ultimately helped me realize that i am not alone. stillbirth is so fucking lonely.
my advice, for today, is to just be with her friend when her friend is ready to be with her and to talk to her about her child, as much as her friend is comfortable talking. that's one thing that i think is really important.
beyond that, i'd mentioned that i would take inventory on which books would be best to read, and when. do you have any suggestions? i really haven't read any of the "grief" books and note that many of you each have your own suggestions on your blogs, so I would have a hard time narrowing it down. i appreciate any insight.
i'm also going to recommend, probably not immediately, that they listen to davids "i hate this". i've just put my finger on why i've so enjoyed the play: these are experiances which i fealt - where i fealt as though i was completely alone - the play, as poignant as it was to watch/listen, ultimately helped me realize that i am not alone. stillbirth is so fucking lonely.
posted by justinian at 6:15 PM
11 Comments:
How horrible. My heart breaks for her...
As for a book, Harold Kushner's 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People' is the only one that really spoke to me. But for now, time with friends who will listen is what's important. Not to forget, or pretend to forget, but to be human, and grieve.
I hate that there is another person who understands this pain.
The first book I picked up was Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby. And it's the kind of book that "grows with you" as you go through your grief.
I also suggest the SilentGrief.com message boards. They are divided up so that stillbirth has it's own forum. In those early days it was very important for me to not be expected to do the comparison thing with miscarriage, etc. It helped to be with people who understood exactly what I was feeling.
We saw David's play at six months out from our loss and it was the perfect time for us.
Remembrance gifts are always treasured from friends. It depends on the nature of their friendship. In the first couple of weeks, a dear friend gave me a bracelet with Alex's name on it that I cherish. Something that allows mom to keep her baby close.
The thing that I did in the early days that I ma most grateful for is the birth announcement I sent. I didn't feel like we shoud ignore Audrey was born. She was (did) get the same acknowledgement that other babies do when their birth is announced. Of course, the wording was different. I can send you what I did if you want.
There is a book I liked, but I don't remember the correct name. I'll have to get back to you.
My heart goes out to your "friend of a friend". I wish this didn't happen to anyone. Ever. I'm sorry.
everyone responds so differently to books. the one i liked was "when a baby dies", from the uk, really a sociological study. it's what made sense to me. on the other end of the spectrum is that book that several truly wonderful fellow bloggers recommended heartily and i despised with all my being, "life touches life", or something like that. hell, you can give your friend our copy. i certainly never want to read it again. and so many people seem to really appreciate it.
by the way, who was it?
mb brings up important stuff - announcements, and also a service. those things helped me process hans's death so much.
Oh crap, that is horrible news. For totally unselfish reasons I do NOT want to usher new people into this hell.
I'd also recommend missfoundation.com. They have excellent message boards as well.
I'm always terribly sorry to hear about it happening to someone.
I think that my grief group was sooo helpful. I would really recommend that others try to find one.
Nothing to add, excpet I believe she should try to protect herself from comparing griefs and maybe stick to places like Catherine and Vixanne reccommended where people will truly understand as opposed to just trying to be supportive.
I am just so sorry to hear of another tragedy like this:(
I am so sorry to hear that it has happened again :(
The only book i read was 'Dear Cheyenne' which is written by Joanne Cacciatore who started the MISS foundation. It is her own personal experience and it is very good.
I agree with Jill and Catherine about comparing griefs, i found the most support from other women who had experienced stillbirth. The MISS boards can be kind of tough to take as it is all kinds of loss, i rarely go there anymore. Kotapress is very good. If she is Christian, there are the boards at Hannah's prayer -- very supportive but very religious.
You can actually get baby announcements specifically for a loss at www.aplacetoremember.com
I also saw David's play about 6 months after, and it was an awesome experience.
Lauralu,
Thanks for leaving me a comment - it's reminded me that an update was well overdue, so I've finally posted for the first time in about six weeks. A lot has been going on, but not with babies.
Good to see that things are going well (if a little nervously) with you guys at the moment. Hope it all works out! (But sorry about your friend's friend, of course.)
Oh God, I can't stand hearing about another family living this hell. It still amazes me that you can be SO CLOSE and have it all snatched away (Caleb was due January 15, and died on the 5th). I didn't turn to books, I turned to the internet. With me, it helped to "talk" to others that had been there and be reassured that I wasn't alone. I am so so sorry for their loss.
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