wishin' and hopin'

'cause wishin' and hopin' is all i can do. no, really, that's it. the last few dishes we didn't clean up from the party - still sitting out. kitchen chairs - still strewn across the living room. empty bottles - still stacked next to the trash. the only things i've done that did not involve my ass being in bed - going to pick up breakfast and listening to the rebroadcast of "i hate this" and taking justin to work.

some positives: i still *feel* pregnant. i'm hungry and tired and poochy. and on some level, i've reached a kind of acceptance today. if z is still percolating, i'm on it's side. if it's not, i'll know soon and we can deal with it.

but if it's not, i don't know what comes next after dealing with it. after we lost hans, part of me wanted to move. after we lost the tadpole, justin understood, at least a little; he said then that if we had another loss, he could see us packing up and going somewhere completely new. but we've made plans. i'm starting school next week. we're working on our carriage house. although, ugh, so many of our plans have already - in just a few weeks - come to include the z-ster. if z is done, i have no idea what happens next. i desperately hope i don't have to figure it out.