give me the numb

i really, really want to drink. i want to mix light and dark drinks, wine and beer with hard liquor. if i could drink, i'd start with sweet things, like amaretto sours and margaritas - things i could gulp down before i realized what i'd done, so i got a good buzz going and my judgment got impaired. then i'd move on to drinks that punish with sour taste but still do significant damage - unflavored martinis, manhattans, maybe some scotch. then i'd drink wine, preferably a blend, and preferably from a box - something headache-inducing, something that doesn't deserve to be appreciated. and then, when justin started to look like triplets, and it took all three of him to get me in the car, i would want beer. crappy, lawnmower beer, something pissy, more for quantity than quality. and to top it all off, a cigarette - because cigarettes make sense after that much alcohol, despite the fact that i'm allergic to them. finally, endless vomiting, with intermittent naps.

because i feel so shitty that violent puking seems like a good distraction. i need help, but i don't know what to do.

i have three days left on my current insurance, and even if she would see me my latest therapist is not equipped to help; hell, i think she was avoiding the topic. i could start next week with the new insurance trying to find a new therapist, but if my previous rounds are any indication, it could literally be months before i found one, and even then, chances are slim another therapist will be any better. also, my appointments with this pregnancy are going to be even more frequent than ever before, plus i'm starting school - how in the world do i see a therapist, too?

if i asked him, my ob would probably write me another anti-depressant prescription, but it takes time to work, and i'm already at 7 weeks today, and he's not in favor of it after 20 weeks. so even if meds helped, they would only just be starting to really help when i'd have to quit, and then what would i do in the second half? provided, of course, we get that far. shit.

i was thinking today that if we went public, then at least i could talk about it with other people. but even in my short pregnancy with the tadpole, when i wasn't half as anxious as i am now, even after what happened with hans, people around me told me not to worry so much. i cannot take another seven months of people telling me to just not worry, or that it will be okay. fuck fuck fuck. and the first person who rolls their eyes at me this time is going to feel my wrath.

i have a confession to make: when some of my fellow bloggers, my fellow parents-in-loss, have fretted during pregnancies and turned to the home doppler for some reassurance, i have privately scoffed. i thought that those people were only making themselves crazier, more obsessive. i now realize what an ignorant shit i've been. if this pregnancy makes it to the third trimester, i cannot go seven days at a time between non-stress tests and ultrasounds. i need a doppler, and i need it available at all times. i am so terrified of making it to the third trimester.

when i found out the tadpole was done, and i called my mom, she said i sounded relieved. relieved????? i was so pissed off at her. i was weary, resigned, discouraged. i was insulted by relieved. now i think she may have been at least a little right. miscarrying in the first trimester means not having to face the third trimester.

i was nearly out of my mind in the last two months of my pregnancy with hans, when i didn't even understand that he could actually die. how naive i was - i was so worried about the birth defects in his kidneys necessitating surgery, or his two-vessel chord restricting oxygen flow and causing brain damage. i couldn't have even imagined the horror of his death. and now that i know, how in the world could anyone fucking suggest to just not worry? has the entire world gone insane?

i would never do the kind of binge drinking (or smoking) i described with little z on board, but if there was some way, just for a while, without causing z any harm, i could just be numb to it, i would take it. if my ob would agree to put me in a coma until the end of july, i wouldn't hesitate.