this shit is getting so old
late morning, i had the first of what has become a pattern of abdominal spasms. they're getting closer together, and they're starting to feel like the braxton-hicks contractions i had with hans. fuckity-fuck-fuck.
i tried telling myself it was ligament stretching (never mind that they're in the wrong spot). to comfort myself, i went to plot little z's heart rate. now i am thoroughly sick.
i kept saying, at the u/s, "isn't 112 on the low side?" the sonographer kept saying, "no, 95 is the number, anything under 95 we're worried," but that's not the whole picture. while no embryo has ever been known to have survived if the heartrate was ever measured below 95, it doesn't mean that because it's above 95 that it's okay.
at 6w4d (what the sonographer measured), 112 is at the very bottom of the acceptable range on most charts (meaning it's the very lowest rate for that age at which embryos in that study survived), below acceptable range on one chart. at 7w1d (what the peri measured), 112 is at the bottom of range on about half the charts and in the demise area on the other half (meaning no embryos in half of the studies with that heart rate at that age made it). at 7w3d (which is the date from my last period), 112 is in the demise area on everyone's charts. FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck.
of course, this set of data is driving justin insane. he felt great about this morning's ultrasound, very reassured. it drives him nuts when i question what he feels are good results. we've been through this before. and you know what? when i've been concerned, i've always ended up being right, although god knows i would prefer he be right this time.
i called my ob's office to push to get another u/s scheduled for next week, but they've closed early for the long weekend. as justin points out, there's not really anything anyone can do at this point; it's not like going to the ER and demanding an ultrasound is going to change anything if little z is headed south, and i wouldn't go to the ER again unless i was hemorrhaging - not after the way my visit to the ER went with the tadpole. so my plan is to call my ob tuesday morning, as originally planned to discuss anti-depressants and dopplers, but then to first push for another u/s.
it's going to be a long, long weekend.
i tried telling myself it was ligament stretching (never mind that they're in the wrong spot). to comfort myself, i went to plot little z's heart rate. now i am thoroughly sick.
i kept saying, at the u/s, "isn't 112 on the low side?" the sonographer kept saying, "no, 95 is the number, anything under 95 we're worried," but that's not the whole picture. while no embryo has ever been known to have survived if the heartrate was ever measured below 95, it doesn't mean that because it's above 95 that it's okay.
at 6w4d (what the sonographer measured), 112 is at the very bottom of the acceptable range on most charts (meaning it's the very lowest rate for that age at which embryos in that study survived), below acceptable range on one chart. at 7w1d (what the peri measured), 112 is at the bottom of range on about half the charts and in the demise area on the other half (meaning no embryos in half of the studies with that heart rate at that age made it). at 7w3d (which is the date from my last period), 112 is in the demise area on everyone's charts. FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck.
of course, this set of data is driving justin insane. he felt great about this morning's ultrasound, very reassured. it drives him nuts when i question what he feels are good results. we've been through this before. and you know what? when i've been concerned, i've always ended up being right, although god knows i would prefer he be right this time.
i called my ob's office to push to get another u/s scheduled for next week, but they've closed early for the long weekend. as justin points out, there's not really anything anyone can do at this point; it's not like going to the ER and demanding an ultrasound is going to change anything if little z is headed south, and i wouldn't go to the ER again unless i was hemorrhaging - not after the way my visit to the ER went with the tadpole. so my plan is to call my ob tuesday morning, as originally planned to discuss anti-depressants and dopplers, but then to first push for another u/s.
it's going to be a long, long weekend.
posted by laura at 4:52 PM
13 Comments:
"when i've been concerned, i've always ended up being right ..."
excuse me, but this is not entirely fair, nor true. Certainly, the two pregnancies that we've had have ended and this sucks bigger than the biggest donkey balls - but these pregnancies have not ended each and every time that you've had a feeling. I'm sorry to throw this out in the open - but it's something that i have to say, something that i have to put out there.
I'm worried, terribly, but I'm also at a place that is relatively calm in this entire pregnancy. This is how I feel.
what i've been right about is the feeling that things weren't going well.
and what i'm talking about now isn't a bad feeling or a premonition. it's crazy cramps and it's statistics, and they're worrying me, and i'm tired of being worried.
if you're calm, baby, that's fine, great even. you're not required to be upset because i am. i hope to god that you are right on track and i am a freaking whack job who's hallucinating these things.
in the mean time, this spot is where i (and you) can put down what's going on, work through it, and then most of the time set it aside for a while. let's hope next week we're laughing about my insanity today. well, laughing and picking up the meds i clearly need.
clearly, something.
now, leave, and pick me up. overtime is overrated. we'll try and enjoy the weekend - as should everyone else that's on the outside looking in.
i'm stopping to get gas, and a giant bag of reese's cups, then i'll be there.
Fuck. And hugs to you both... i feel sort of invasive for being the only "outsider" writing right now, but I hope the bad feelings are just feelings and don't turn into anything else. I hope you can get more info next week, but obviously no one can say "it will all be ok." Although I'm sure everyone is hoping and praying (and i don't even pray!!) for you all.
oh god, i hope the weekend goes quickly and you get reassuring news next week. does the heart rate vary at this early stage? like, could it have been 112 at the moment the ultrasound caught it, but higher the next minute or hour?
Fucking hell. I would be doing exactly what you are doing right now. Analysing, researching, freaking myself out. Oh, hang on - i AM doing that right now!!
I need to know what every number or bit of info could conceivably mean in every scenario. But it is a crazy-making habit to indulge in.
So I hope you can get through this weekend in relative tact. I know that Tuesday can't come fast enough. Thinking of you three ((hugs))
Usually I'd recommend heavy drinking. But as that's not an option, I prescribe lots of rich foods and sleeping.
I'm also with you in spirit...
Crap long weekend it is... Will be thinking of you all and hoping that somehow this will not be bad news.
What horrible timing. I wish I had an u/s machine I could lend you.
Was the heartrate through the abdomen? Because you could not be picking up everything. 112 does sound low (sorry), but not low enough to mean imminent loss, like in the 70s or 80s. At such an early gestation, it's amazing they can even find the heartrate through an abdominal u/s. And that in itself is a really good sign.
Some of these guys are slow starters. Mimi didn't even have a heartbeat at 6 weeks at all. You know when you ovulated and you know when you did it, but you don't know what moment of what day the sperm met the egg, so I wouldn't go jumping to conclusions. You might not be 7w4d.
I'm sorry about the long weekend situation. It just gives z that much more time to get strong without being harassed by probes and soundwaves.
I hope you don't lose any babies in 2006.
I'm sorry you're having to face such worry at this time. It's just not fair.
Please know that I am thinking of you & praying that everything is OK.
not sure what to say except that I am thinking of you, hoping for a quick weekend, an a good result at the other side...
oh, I am praying that the little z is doing just fine, thank you, and wishing you wouldn't worry about him/her. That makes me feel better... although I know it's little comfort for you guys. I hope everything's ok.
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