the insanity update

my ob, bless his heart, called me back within minutes of me leaving the message with his secretary. while he acknowledged that little z's heartrate was at the very bottom of the range, he felt like the fact that i wasn't bleeding combined with the improvement of this scan over the scans of the tadpole were both encouraging. he had already talked this morning with the peri i saw on friday, and he was satisfied that she had seen all that could be seen at this point and that a vaginal scan wouldn't have provided any additional information; he also feels strongly that she is one of the two top scanners there, and i should be confident of her appraisal. so given those things, plus their inability to really do anything if a problem does develop at this point, he didn't think anything could be gained by another ultrasound this week.

he was incredibly sympathetic to my anxiety, though; he totally got that i couldn't not be anxious. he walked me through some of the extra steps we would be taking, including the peri starting an anatomical survey at 14 weeks, which apparently is extra early as well as a much more in depth measure than would normally be taken. we talked about the extent to which anxiety is interfering with my ability to function [nevermind the strain on our marriage], and my frustration with finding therapeutic help. he was horrified that his departmental social worker had blown me off, and will look into it, as well as talk to some of his colleagues about who they could recommend. he also agreed to prescribe buspar, which is a pregnancy category b drug and non-addictive, for the anxiety, and at this point, i can more than live with a cat. b drug. the other thing he wants is for me to exercise more, and vigorously, to blow off some of the pressure. i know i should, but since the tadpole's d&c, i have pretty much done nothing, other than parking at the outer limits of the parking lot, which counts for practically nothing, either. so justin is looking into treadmills and exercise bikes today, and i will dust off the old prenatal yoga dvd tonight - not that yoga counts as vigorous exercise, but it's something, and it did for a while help me be calmer.

in the midst of all this talking, we had to deal with a flat tire we got last night, courtesy of a couple of outrageous potholes in my neighborhood, and which is still not resolved because the rim got bent and no one could fix it and one has to be ordered in to the store. so until tomorrow (at least), i am driving 30 mph on a spare; i was very, very popular on the interstate on the way to work. but it didn't bother me much. there's no question the first pill i popped is already taking effect, which is pretty freaking amazing. i hope not to be on it much longer than it takes to bring z kicking and screaming into this world, but for now, i'm incredibly grateful to have it.