this is how it begins

it had to start sometime: the interruption of normal events by me having a freak-out. hey, i'm a little sensitive these days. give me a break. if this was hans, i would be at the hospital now, enduring the eye-rolling l&d nurses while waiting for the attending to release me. at least, thanks to the doppler (which is thanks to the sweet, sweet coalminer), i can save my dignity to be taken away another day.

we went to justin's cousin's daughter's christening this morning, which was a little weird - it's been a while since i've been in a normal church service. quite the heathen, i've become. the baby was lovely and mellow and ridiculously gracious in allowing a myriad of people to hold her and pet her and splash her with water. afterwards, we stood for the family photo without grimacing and then went to the potluck dinner, which i survived without too much sugar craziness - no small feat at an event where there were as many desserts as non-desserts (someone needed to better coordinate the menu, dammit). my treat: one piece of cheesecake, one-inch square - a total of three bites, and only because i dissected it into tiny pieces to make it last. oh, so, so, so good. i could have eaten twenty of them. but i didn't.

afterwards, i was practically falling asleep in the car (or i would have had it not been for justin's grandmother, cracking jokes the whole drive home from the back seat). i could blame it on the emotional drain of the whole family gathering thing, but i've been this way for several days - in the afternoon, i crash hard. my glucose numbers have been sort of wild, regardless of how strict i am, and i suppose it's the downward plunge of those numbers in the afternoon that leaves me feeling so drained, but it kind of sucks. the knowledge that my numbers have been more extreme doesn't help my mood, either.

so i had a nap and then we got up to feed me and to go to the lake for a walk, but on the way there, i started to have a weird feeling. i felt milo move this morning at church, but i hadn't noticed him since, and late afternoon is his big activity time. when we parked at the lake, we sat in the car while i poked at milo, trying to get him to poke back. finally, i turned the car back on without having gotten out and we drove back home. this sort of action doesn't do much for my pride, i must say, but what else could i do?

we came right upstairs and i flopped down on the bed with the doppler - it took a little bit to find him, but his heartbeat was there, faint, but in the right range. i don't know what position he's gotten himself into, but it is not conducive to finding his heart or feeling him move and he had better make some changes or we are going to be dealing with some serious stress hormones, and he does not want to make me do that to him.

relieved, we got back in the car and headed back to the lake, and he punched me hard the whole way there (milo, not justin), as if to say, "you want to poke me? you want to feel me move? you want to disturb my nap? fine! i'll show you poking! i'll show you what awake is like!" it was fucking fantastic. he dug into my bladder, making me have to use the icky park bathroom. twice. to which i say, great. bring it on, little man. show mommy what you've got. it's the only way we're going to survive another 8 1/2 weeks. or less.