in which i am forced to make up for not thinking about hans the day before
amazingly, i think i've entered the hospital as many times since hans died as i did before he died. between all kinds of freak checkups and tests and the support group and seeing david's play and now picking up hans's pictures, i'm quite the regular. maybe that's why the parking attendant didn't charge me last night. or maybe because i was in and out in ten minutes. either way. besides, who could get in and out so quickly as someone who's there all the freaking time?????
the pictures the chaplain had for me were the proofs of the ones the nurse took. god help me, they were kind of horrific. i have to keep reminding myself that his decomposing wasn't hurting him - he was already gone. but still, they were hard. and yet still beautiful. he was the kind of baby you couldn't have helped but snuggle close to you.
there were seven more poses (ooo, what an awful word in this kind of case), including a couple of shots in profile. in one of them he was arranged so that he looked like he was snuggling down for a nap.
so they're not really for public viewing, but they're one more thing we have now of him. i'm so grateful.
from the hospital i flew over to bela dubby's to see kath before she left town for a work-related conference, and she had charlie with her. he is finally starting to really respond to me, to which i say - it's about time! you've been making me look bad for months! when charlie was born, i was one of two people (the other being his nurse) who could quiet him, but after he hit three months, he wanted nothing to do with me. now he's come around and even started to flirt with me. lovely little man.
after i said goodbye to them, i got back in the car and looked at hans's pictures again and was overwhelmed with the strength, the sheer force of will with which he must have fought to live. the thought made me cry, hard. poor little guy. i wish i could have comforted him. i hope my voice and maybe the changing light patterns he saw when i rubbed my tummy made him feel a little better. i hate to think of him in such anguish.
the pictures the chaplain had for me were the proofs of the ones the nurse took. god help me, they were kind of horrific. i have to keep reminding myself that his decomposing wasn't hurting him - he was already gone. but still, they were hard. and yet still beautiful. he was the kind of baby you couldn't have helped but snuggle close to you.
there were seven more poses (ooo, what an awful word in this kind of case), including a couple of shots in profile. in one of them he was arranged so that he looked like he was snuggling down for a nap.
so they're not really for public viewing, but they're one more thing we have now of him. i'm so grateful.
from the hospital i flew over to bela dubby's to see kath before she left town for a work-related conference, and she had charlie with her. he is finally starting to really respond to me, to which i say - it's about time! you've been making me look bad for months! when charlie was born, i was one of two people (the other being his nurse) who could quiet him, but after he hit three months, he wanted nothing to do with me. now he's come around and even started to flirt with me. lovely little man.
after i said goodbye to them, i got back in the car and looked at hans's pictures again and was overwhelmed with the strength, the sheer force of will with which he must have fought to live. the thought made me cry, hard. poor little guy. i wish i could have comforted him. i hope my voice and maybe the changing light patterns he saw when i rubbed my tummy made him feel a little better. i hate to think of him in such anguish.
posted by laura at 6:56 PM
3 Comments:
Laura, I used to be a medical and forensic photographer. I was fortunate enough to never have to photograph any children like Hans, but I did have to see a lot of kids who died too soon. It's emotionally exhausting. Some people do stupid things and you figure they've got it coming to them (mow your lawn barefoot, make hamburger out of your toes) but with children - particularly those who died at the hands of another person - just break your heart.
Now you can see him as well as he can see you. Almost as well.
Oh Lauralu, I am so sorry. I'm crying as I write this. I also think about how hard my Thomas must have fought to stay alive when he was being deprived of oxygen during labor, and how much he may have suffered. It is awful to think of our little ones in such anguish. I just hope that they didn't suffer too much. Hugs to you.
I think it is particularly heart breaking when you, as the child's mother, were supposed to be protecting the child and really had no idea there was even a problem. I beat myself up about this for quite awhile, I felt guilty but more than that just bloody useless for not knowing that my baby was sick. Of course she showed no signs of any problems until she came out, an exact mirror of how I operate really so I was able to see some irony and even pride in that.
Our kids fought hard in their own ways with their own resources.
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