move on dot me
i feel so adolescent. i am so bored with myself, tired of exactly the same drama every day. i haven't had anything original (or even new for me) to say in days. i feel like i need a breakthrough, something very specific to happen to cause change, to usher in a new phase or a new set of life things to process. i know, i should be careful for what i wish - it's not like i'd like to miscarry to cure my weariness with the sameness of things. but i'm so tired of life as it stands.
i haven't decided whether to push for a peace-of-mind ultrasound. if i'm going to do it, i should make the call tomorrow. but what will it prove? if the u/s shows z has moved from borderline to excellent, how much does that fact really count? it could change the next day, as i learned from the tadpole: the first ultrasound was sluggish, the second a little better, the third outstanding - and then, apparently, two days later the tadpole conked out, even though we didn't know it until three weeks later.
so let's say i get an ultrasound this week, and little z is looking fine. but the next day, the worry starts all over. where will i be then? calling to ask for an increase in my dosage, probably. i can't get an ultrasound daily, and even if i did it's not going to save little z's life if it gets in trouble. there is nothing i can do, so why expend the energy for nothing?
i've made my decision, haven't i? it feels like a cynical one, which i don't like, so i'm going to think of it as the zen decision. i'm going to fucking zen my way through whatever remains of this pregnancy. which is not to say i'm not going to do the doppler thing if and when we get a heartbeat at the ob's office. because i can doppler every day, and probably will, dammit. not so zen, but much less draining then pushing for ultrasounds.
when did i become so boring and tedious?
i haven't decided whether to push for a peace-of-mind ultrasound. if i'm going to do it, i should make the call tomorrow. but what will it prove? if the u/s shows z has moved from borderline to excellent, how much does that fact really count? it could change the next day, as i learned from the tadpole: the first ultrasound was sluggish, the second a little better, the third outstanding - and then, apparently, two days later the tadpole conked out, even though we didn't know it until three weeks later.
so let's say i get an ultrasound this week, and little z is looking fine. but the next day, the worry starts all over. where will i be then? calling to ask for an increase in my dosage, probably. i can't get an ultrasound daily, and even if i did it's not going to save little z's life if it gets in trouble. there is nothing i can do, so why expend the energy for nothing?
i've made my decision, haven't i? it feels like a cynical one, which i don't like, so i'm going to think of it as the zen decision. i'm going to fucking zen my way through whatever remains of this pregnancy. which is not to say i'm not going to do the doppler thing if and when we get a heartbeat at the ob's office. because i can doppler every day, and probably will, dammit. not so zen, but much less draining then pushing for ultrasounds.
when did i become so boring and tedious?
posted by laura at 12:40 PM
10 Comments:
You are neither boring nor tedious... just caught in that hellish loop of wondering and waiting for information. It's vicious and unfair that after all we have been through there is no way to have a concrete answer to ease the worry.
Will be rooting for little z and hoping s/he stays put in there for a long time (almost 9 months in fact)
Maybe you should hang out at Tom Cruise's place. I understand he does ultrasounds whenever the mood strikes.
But yeah, I hate not knowing. You'll never relax again.
there is nothing i can do, so why expend the energy for nothing?
Because while you may fool yourself for a few days, quite frankly, you cannot help it.
Because even though you thought you were (or should be) strong, and sensible and intellegent and it was just a matter of choosing how to feel... you are only human.
You'll feel more zen with your doppler than trying to tough it out for those few weeks before movement.
It's not boring or tedious, this is the reality of trying to recognise the last straw and avoiding it. It sucks, but for now, it's the way it is and you are getting through it the best way you can:)
i felt the exact same way... which is why the peace of mind ultrasound only made me feel better for a day or two, but ahhh, the sweet relief of that moment.
A lotta zen for little z seems like a good fit. Let's hope everything stays on track for some zippideedoodah!
Boring? Tedious? Not a chance. You are just trying to do the right things for you, for z, and there's nothing boring or tedious about that.
Again, as you've heard it from others, you are not tedious or boring. I know I sometimes feel like I'm waiting for something to change so I don't have to talk about the same thing all of the time, but I guess things don't change that quickly and thats OK.
Oh sweetie,
Have you read my blog lately? All I talk about is colostomies and baby shit. This is real life. This is what you're feeling. Of course it's all going to be at the forefront of your mind. If someone doesn't like it, they can, using your words, "suck smelly monkey balls..." I hope I quoted you correctly.
Hang in there. Do something fun for YOU today.
Your blog must not be too boring, cause I visit it every day! So there.
Thinking of you,
Rach
You're not boring or tedious. You're stuck in that place. You know the one I'm talking about. Where you don't know whether to go forward or backward. Where you can't fully feel happiness or sadness, hope or despair. I've visited there a time or two recently...it's not a fun place. Just keep chanting, "Boring is good."
I love your blog. You make everything funny. And I love how honest you are about working it out here.
As usual, I am going to say something that is probably offensive, so feel free to ignore.
With Mimi, I spotted (a lot) from week 4 to 13, and sometimes big chunks that I thought were maybe the baby. That is also how all the drama from pg #1 started, so I was very stressed (hence my general insanity throughout).
I asked my sweet Dr. Expert if there was any reason to keep doing ultrasounds every time I had big bleeding or weekly, whichever came first, since there was nothing they could do.
He said that 1) there were studies that women who found out sooner about the death of the embryo/fetus were not as depressed as women who had been carrying around a dead embryo/fetus afterward, and 2) that there were three studies (I think 2 from Sweden and one from China or something like that) that women who believed they were being well-taken care of and attended to were more successful in carrying babies to term.
Dr. Expert said that in those studies, one group of women were given more frequent care and ultrasounds and more time at each appoingment, and the other group went in, was told everything was fine, and only got the standard ultrasounds. He said that the first group had a significantly lower rate of miscarriage in all the studies. He said a happy, confident pregnant woman who feels taken care of is more likely to have a baby.
Now, I haven't verified what he told us, but anxiety, as you know, is crippling and consuming. I had I think at least 12 ultrasounds with Mimi. At the beginning, when I had the bleeding, I had them every week, or whenever I felt like I couldn't wait any more.
I could have had a fatalistic attitude - I even tried to with Dr. Expert - but he told me the baby would have a better chance if I knew everything was ok, so I kept going in.
Please, just delete this if it annoys you. I never know when I'm being totally inappropriate.
I like the idea behind what sweet coalminer wrote. I'll have to keep that tidbit of info tucked in my pocket for the future. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home