the depths of my patheticity
welcome to day 1,356,532 of my boring blah-blah-blah about ultrasounds, or not. there is nothing unreasonable about an ultrasound for a two-time loser after a borderline first look. it makes sense. perfect sense. even if i wasn't a complete freakshow.
maybe i'll call my ob tomorrow.
yesterday, i got down and dirty, face to face, with my inner wack job. here's what that freak clued me in on: i feel like an ass. like a smelly, clammy, bulbous ass, with zits and a tendency toward hemorroids.
because i walked around for 37 weeks after i found out i was pregnant the first time acting like i was going to have a baby.
i felt like a walking fraud, like i just ate like a cow and wore the same pants five days in a row not because i was pregnant and they were the only maternity pants i ever liked but because i was totally pathetic and desperate for attention. what a big faker. i felt so humiliated, so busted.
the second time, i was nervous but hopeful. i wanted to take the pressure off people who were nervous around me, so i told people almost immediately. i felt so foolish when the tadpole pooped out. what a sucker.
which makes me think maybe i wasn't so eager to tell people to make them feel better but to prove i wasn't a total failure. and which makes me think i'm resisting any shred of hope about this pregnancy because i've already been suckered twice and i'm not going to let them get me this time, uh-uh, no way, no how. i will not let another clump-o-cells make an ass of me again.
ouch. that inner freak is a rude bitch.
maybe i'll call my ob tomorrow.
yesterday, i got down and dirty, face to face, with my inner wack job. here's what that freak clued me in on: i feel like an ass. like a smelly, clammy, bulbous ass, with zits and a tendency toward hemorroids.
because i walked around for 37 weeks after i found out i was pregnant the first time acting like i was going to have a baby.
i felt like a walking fraud, like i just ate like a cow and wore the same pants five days in a row not because i was pregnant and they were the only maternity pants i ever liked but because i was totally pathetic and desperate for attention. what a big faker. i felt so humiliated, so busted.
the second time, i was nervous but hopeful. i wanted to take the pressure off people who were nervous around me, so i told people almost immediately. i felt so foolish when the tadpole pooped out. what a sucker.
which makes me think maybe i wasn't so eager to tell people to make them feel better but to prove i wasn't a total failure. and which makes me think i'm resisting any shred of hope about this pregnancy because i've already been suckered twice and i'm not going to let them get me this time, uh-uh, no way, no how. i will not let another clump-o-cells make an ass of me again.
ouch. that inner freak is a rude bitch.
posted by laura at 9:26 PM
5 Comments:
This is normal maybe... I felt the same... like a fraud each time, I still feel like it even now sometimes even with everything going well.
It's hard to not feel like you've been had after loss. You are not alone. *hug*
This post made me cry. I can't put into words exactly what I want to say about it right now, so I'm going to think about it for a bit. But I do think you need to tell your inner freak not to be so hard on you.
I promise you, little z is not trying to pull one over on you. Little z wants you as much as you want him or her. It sucks for all of us that can't just be happy and innocently enjoy it all.
No one thinks you're a freak or a fool.
I bargained a lot. I used to say after some bleeding to the baby, "If you are going to die or fall out, you must do it before 8 weeks or I will die too." Your losses have been so awful and mine does not compare, but I know that feeling of not wanting to let something the size of a grain of rice shred my heart.
((hugs)) to you and justinian and z.
This is all just so hard. So complicated. I hope you have a lot of Buspar.
Oh honey....I soooo understand this post and I am soooo sorry you feel this way. You are not a fool and you were not a faker. Life just dealt you a really crap hand. I really hope sooooo much that you have this beautiful baby because you NEED and DESERVE some happiness. Hugs hugs hugs. If you ever want to talk please let me know. I would be happy to call you and let you freak out to me...god knows I understand the freak outs!!!!!
Oh yeah, I had the mama-imposter syndrome bad after deadbaby! So I can see the big temptation to pull a Who and declare that you "won't get fooled again!" (insert huge guitar chords here) and do whatever you have to to make it real, or not, depending on which side of the fence you are on at any particular moment.
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