this shit is getting so old

late morning, i had the first of what has become a pattern of abdominal spasms. they're getting closer together, and they're starting to feel like the braxton-hicks contractions i had with hans. fuckity-fuck-fuck.

i tried telling myself it was ligament stretching (never mind that they're in the wrong spot). to comfort myself, i went to plot little z's heart rate. now i am thoroughly sick.

i kept saying, at the u/s, "isn't 112 on the low side?" the sonographer kept saying, "no, 95 is the number, anything under 95 we're worried," but that's not the whole picture. while no embryo has ever been known to have survived if the heartrate was ever measured below 95, it doesn't mean that because it's above 95 that it's okay.

at 6w4d (what the sonographer measured), 112 is at the very bottom of the acceptable range on most charts (meaning it's the very lowest rate for that age at which embryos in that study survived), below acceptable range on one chart. at 7w1d (what the peri measured), 112 is at the bottom of range on about half the charts and in the demise area on the other half (meaning no embryos in half of the studies with that heart rate at that age made it). at 7w3d (which is the date from my last period), 112 is in the demise area on everyone's charts. FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck.

of course, this set of data is driving justin insane. he felt great about this morning's ultrasound, very reassured. it drives him nuts when i question what he feels are good results. we've been through this before. and you know what? when i've been concerned, i've always ended up being right, although god knows i would prefer he be right this time.

i called my ob's office to push to get another u/s scheduled for next week, but they've closed early for the long weekend. as justin points out, there's not really anything anyone can do at this point; it's not like going to the ER and demanding an ultrasound is going to change anything if little z is headed south, and i wouldn't go to the ER again unless i was hemorrhaging - not after the way my visit to the ER went with the tadpole. so my plan is to call my ob tuesday morning, as originally planned to discuss anti-depressants and dopplers, but then to first push for another u/s.

it's going to be a long, long weekend.

thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-thump

hey, we got a heartbeat at the ultrasound - which popped out to me immediately, unlike all of the other ultrasounds where they'd be checking out Laura's other bits and I'd be looking for a heartbeat.

i gave the doc a bit of a hard time about the receptionist at the desk who'd asked if this was our first time having an ultrasound. it's my opinion that our history should be in our files and that we shouldn't have to be asked this obviously awkward question. i guess that this is something beyond the hospitals capacity, and we heard the long version of why - i think the doc's a bit nervous around us, as she's been the doc with us in the past when we've found out about our other losses. I guess that this isn't such a bad thing, to have our docs acting cautious, compulsively checking things out, all that.

nonetheless, z's got a strong heartbeat - so i can breath again.

my list-o-hopes

1. despite the fact that i'm the third of three people to be booked for a single ultrasound slot in the morning, i hope to get to go first.
2. i hope they turn the damn heater down in the waiting room of the fetal diagnostic center. pregnant women already have extra insulation; they do not need the thermostat set to 80F.
3. i hope i get a sonographer who talks to me while he or she is working.
4. i hope little z has a strong, normal heartbeat (because sometimes, normal is absolutely desirable).
5. i hope little z measures 7w3d, at least. i'd take more, but please, please, no less.

certifiably semi-sane

last night i picked up justin from work and we went to the bar where all the airline guys hang out, and we watched the cavs' game and ate pizza and drank beer (well, not me, but you know, justin drank for both of us) and i felt a little better. i think it was just the distraction. i get really into cavs' games.

and then i said, "we need to talk." (i'm sure he loves to hear that phrase from me.) we've been talking about my anxiety, and he read yesterday's post, so at least he was prepared. i told him there were two things i wanted to do:

1. get a doppler
2. go back on anti-depressants - and maybe for the whole term of the pregnancy

bless his heart; he didn't bat an eye. how could i not love this man???

he actually thought the doppler was a great idea. apparently (he says) he brought it up before and i turned my nose up at it. i don't remember having had that conversation, but i won't deny that it's entirely plausible.

the meds are a little trickier. he's not a giant fan of them, generally, but there's no doubt that they saved my life a few years back, and made getting the talk therapy i needed possible. of course, his concern was their effect on little z. from all of my research, the worst i can find is that if the mother takes meds in the last trimester, the baby is likely to be a little crankier than normal as it goes through withdrawls after birth.

on the one hand, it sounds horrible to me to put a baby through withdrawls. but on the other hand, at the rate i'm going, i'm going to do much worse to this kid than make it cranky for three weeks. and justin said a lovely thing to me, approximately: having little z is meaningless if you're not healthy and present. which is kind of how i feel.

my ob's on vacation, but i called his secretary this morning and told her what i want to talk to him about, and she was lovely about it and promised to hook me up with him one morning next week to discuss everything. i felt better already.

until then, please comfort me with the apples of your experiences. what kind of doppler do you like? did you rent or buy? if you took meds during a subsequent pregnancy, how did that work out? tell me all your stories.

give me the numb

i really, really want to drink. i want to mix light and dark drinks, wine and beer with hard liquor. if i could drink, i'd start with sweet things, like amaretto sours and margaritas - things i could gulp down before i realized what i'd done, so i got a good buzz going and my judgment got impaired. then i'd move on to drinks that punish with sour taste but still do significant damage - unflavored martinis, manhattans, maybe some scotch. then i'd drink wine, preferably a blend, and preferably from a box - something headache-inducing, something that doesn't deserve to be appreciated. and then, when justin started to look like triplets, and it took all three of him to get me in the car, i would want beer. crappy, lawnmower beer, something pissy, more for quantity than quality. and to top it all off, a cigarette - because cigarettes make sense after that much alcohol, despite the fact that i'm allergic to them. finally, endless vomiting, with intermittent naps.

because i feel so shitty that violent puking seems like a good distraction. i need help, but i don't know what to do.

i have three days left on my current insurance, and even if she would see me my latest therapist is not equipped to help; hell, i think she was avoiding the topic. i could start next week with the new insurance trying to find a new therapist, but if my previous rounds are any indication, it could literally be months before i found one, and even then, chances are slim another therapist will be any better. also, my appointments with this pregnancy are going to be even more frequent than ever before, plus i'm starting school - how in the world do i see a therapist, too?

if i asked him, my ob would probably write me another anti-depressant prescription, but it takes time to work, and i'm already at 7 weeks today, and he's not in favor of it after 20 weeks. so even if meds helped, they would only just be starting to really help when i'd have to quit, and then what would i do in the second half? provided, of course, we get that far. shit.

i was thinking today that if we went public, then at least i could talk about it with other people. but even in my short pregnancy with the tadpole, when i wasn't half as anxious as i am now, even after what happened with hans, people around me told me not to worry so much. i cannot take another seven months of people telling me to just not worry, or that it will be okay. fuck fuck fuck. and the first person who rolls their eyes at me this time is going to feel my wrath.

i have a confession to make: when some of my fellow bloggers, my fellow parents-in-loss, have fretted during pregnancies and turned to the home doppler for some reassurance, i have privately scoffed. i thought that those people were only making themselves crazier, more obsessive. i now realize what an ignorant shit i've been. if this pregnancy makes it to the third trimester, i cannot go seven days at a time between non-stress tests and ultrasounds. i need a doppler, and i need it available at all times. i am so terrified of making it to the third trimester.

when i found out the tadpole was done, and i called my mom, she said i sounded relieved. relieved????? i was so pissed off at her. i was weary, resigned, discouraged. i was insulted by relieved. now i think she may have been at least a little right. miscarrying in the first trimester means not having to face the third trimester.

i was nearly out of my mind in the last two months of my pregnancy with hans, when i didn't even understand that he could actually die. how naive i was - i was so worried about the birth defects in his kidneys necessitating surgery, or his two-vessel chord restricting oxygen flow and causing brain damage. i couldn't have even imagined the horror of his death. and now that i know, how in the world could anyone fucking suggest to just not worry? has the entire world gone insane?

i would never do the kind of binge drinking (or smoking) i described with little z on board, but if there was some way, just for a while, without causing z any harm, i could just be numb to it, i would take it. if my ob would agree to put me in a coma until the end of july, i wouldn't hesitate.

tgio (thank god it's over)

it's done. hallelujah.

i still feel cruddy. my chest hurts from the pressure i feel weighing down on me. i am incapable of caring about the ever-deteriorating state of our house. i've started re-wearing clothes without washing them (although not underwear - it hasn't come to that yet). i'm sitting here blogging half-heartedly to avoid getting ready for work - don't even get me started on how much work depresses me.

and if i'm this down now, how in the world am i going to handle the third trimester??? the mind boggles.

the little christmas blogger

bloglandia has been quiet for days, but today there are tumbleweeds blowing down the streets. justin and i chose to be mostly alone today, but it doesn't make it less lonely.

christmas eve at justin's mom's was fine, except for when his stepsister learned my sister-in-law is pregnant...and then there was much clapping and squealing and repeated exclamations of: "there's going to be a bayby!" i have never fake smiled so hard. i wanted so badly not to make an ass of myself. but i wanted to scream, "there already is a baby!" and i wanted to cry. this should have been hans's year to get fussed over. this should have been the year to complain about having to haul his stroller and seat and pack-n-play around to see all the relatives who would be doing the fussing. next christmas, if little z makes it, it will be the junior kid, the one who's not too interactive yet, while his cousins will be charming the pants off everyone.

this is my christmas pity party. i feel trite. incredibly unoriginal.

this morning we slept until after nine, exchanged our presents and had a little christmas nookie. justin brought me breakfast in bed (leftover lemon pound cake and chocolate soymilk) while i called my mom to wish her a merry christmas. we had the traditional viewing of an episode of whatever season of the simpsons has come out on dvd just in time for holiday giving, then justin did the tradtional christmas laundry while i put together the time-honored family favorite: the christmas picnic for the airport.

after i dropped justin at work, i went to see "rumor has it...", which was not bad for a chick flick, then came to the airport to meet our friends on a layover. we had our picnic at gate 29 in between justin having to run off and actually work (to which i say, whatever), and then our friends flew on to dayton and i've come to gate 14, where i can latch on to someone's wireless network and catch up on holiday blogs - of which there are ever so few.

i thought having little z around would make this christmas so much easier. but it does not. christmas sucks big, hairy, smelly-from-riding-a-camel-for-days magi dick. maybe i'm wrong. maybe it would actually be more painful than it is if little z weren't percolating inside me. but it's hard to imagine.

i love christmas. i love being with as many people i love as possible. i love the food and the music. i love the shopping, god help me, and watching people open presents for which i've hunted all over the universe. but i can't bear to get into any of that spirit right now. i just want desperately for it to be over.

two hours, forty-five minutes and counting.

o little town of cleveland

sunny, mid 40s, no wind - this can't be cleveland at christmas! last year, we had massive dumpings of snow every day for a week before and after christmas. this year, nada. not that i'm complaining. (okay, maybe just a little.)

we did some shopping after work yesterday and then met our friends mike and kath and charlie for mexican food. charlie will be 14 months old in a couple of days. i looked forward to charlie and hans being little buddies. now, i just hope charlie won't think little z is too much of a baby to play with. charlie wonked out pretty early on us, so they went home and we rented some "six feet under" discs we hadn't seen yet (we've now finished season 3!) and "envy", which we haven't gotten around to yet.

this morning we went to the market for breakfast and provisions for tomorrow's dinner. in the parking lot, we ran into justin's aunt and uncle and friends of theirs. it was fine to see them - nice, even - but they yelled, "see you tomorrow!" as we parted, and we didn't reply. we're not going to the big traditional gathering at justin's grandma's. we just don't feel like it (plus, justin has to work in the afternoon). i don't want the tilted head questions (how are you? are you trying again?) or to be looked at. and now that justin's brother is having a baby (and his cousin's wife is seven months pregnant), i don't want to be handled, or have people curtail their happy expressions for them because i'm there. i guess we could just go public, but we just don't feel like it yet, dammit, and i don't want to take away from my sister-in-law.

instead, justin and i will be home alone tomorrow morning. we'll sleep in, and have breakfast together, then i'll take him to work. next, my plan is to go see "the family stone" (note to self: must check showtimes) and then return to the airport for christmas dinner with our friends randy and jenny, who have a two hour layover in cleveland on their way from san francisco to dayton. our christmas picnic will consist of vegan pasties we got from reilly's (the british/irish stall at the market), tomato salad and cherry crumble (both of which will take maybe 15 minutes combined to whip up in the morning). not fancy or traditional, but tasty and portable. after they leave, justin will just have an hour left at work, so i'll wait and we'll come home together. it will be one of the stranger christmas days i've spent, but it's the one i want this year.

in a few minutes i will jump in the shower and then we will head to my mother-in-law's (our one concession to family this year). i made the trifle for dessert - peaches and strawberries and lemon cream this year. it took forever today to wrap everything for justin's family - and we kept it really simple this year. my favorite present is actually what my mother-in-law asked me for - copies of pictures i have with her and her sons. i told her i wasn't sure - the pictures are old and wrinkled and i don't have negatives or digital images of them. but i wrestled them from their frames and took them to the do-it-yourself kiosk at target, and they came out amazingly well. there's one of justin and his mom, just before our wedding, all dressed up and smiling at each other, and i put that one in a curved glass and metal frame. the other one is of my brother-in-law with my mother-in-law on his back, outside our house last year at our housewarming party, and they've both got broad, horsing-around smiles; for that picture, i found a wooden frame with a burlap-ish matte that i think suits it well. i hope she likes them.

i never thought christmas would be so - i don't know the word for it. disjointed. emotional. a minefield. unwanted. desperately missed. missing a big chunk. but it could be worse. i have never loved justin more, and we have our little z, who is making me godzilla-hungry, all the freaking time.

gotta go get me some cake before i get in the shower. and to all a good night.

it's my blog, and i'll whine if i want to

oh, so angry today, building as the day goes on. i'm not angry at my in-laws, but i'm angry *about* them. justin asked if i felt like they were stealing our thunder. let me be honest: yes. yes, i do. i'm also insanely jealous that they haven't a care in the world. la-ti-da, i'll wait to go see my gp until i'm 14 weeks. it's petty and churlish and small of spirit, but i don't care. i feel all of those things today. if i were three, i would so be on the floor, kicking my legs and howling and punching anyone who tried to pick me up.

also, today - my first bout of nausea not triggered by a toothbrush. i've managed to not vomit, but vomiting would be such sweet release. i don't want to put too much stock in nausea - with the tadpole, i clung to my nausea as evidence that it lived, when in fact, it didn't - but it's better to have a little than to not have any and worry. i think.

jealous anger and nausea on the same day - coincidence?

still smiling

at least for now, i'm just excited and not too anxious. let's hope it lasts.

several people mentioned twins, but the beta isn't that high. it's pretty unlikely. i would be thrilled with twins, but the beta number is pretty low for multiples. i'd rather have a good solid mid-range beta for a single z than a barely hanging on number for double zzs.

justin called me at work yesterday to ask if i wanted to meet his brother and his wife after work. i had a pretty good feeling that there would be a big announcement, and i was right. i am happy for them, but i also feel keenly the difference in our ages. my sister-in-law (who is 21) had her first or second appointment yesterday, and she must be about 18 weeks. she's seeing her family practitioner. she's having a standard mid-term ultrasound in a couple of weeks, and everything's been fine, although her appetite has increased, which it would have to do, since she never, ever eats anything.

on the way to meet them for dinner, we talked about whether we would tell them about little z. we decided that if they were nervous about telling us, afraid of it being difficult for us, we would take the pressure off of them and tell them, but if they were just happy about it, we would just let it be their moment. we ended up letting it be their moment. my guess is that they can't imagine what has happened to us happening to them (who of us didn't feel the same way?), maybe even more so because i am 15 years older than my sister-in-law. must be nice to be young and blissfully confident of your immunity. i kind of wish we had delivered a living child first before we moved on to them, but i don't wish them any harm. maybe i'm just jealous of them.

i yelled to little z (so it could hear, of course) this morning some encouragement to grow. i explained that its big brother almost certainly would have been bossy, being the oldest, so z will have to be bigger than him to keep the balance of power in check. hans was 6 lb 3 oz; it's not that i want to have to push out a giant baby, but i'd feel a little better about z's prospects if it was a little less puny than its brother. plus, now z will have two cousins just a little older than him or her - z's going to need some size to keep up.

please let z live to be tormented by its older cousins.

oh, what a relief it is!

i'm trying so hard to hold on to that relieved feeling as long as i can. i'm going to squeeze today's beta result for all it's worth!

i got up in the dark and we went to the hospital in the dark. i guess today (or yesterday?) is technically the shortest, and therefore darkest, day of the year, but man, was it dark this morning. i was dark inside and out.

we got to the lab a few minutes after 7:30, and i had forgotten to wear a short-sleeved shirt and jacket instead of the long-sleeved, fitted sweater i picked (in the dark) this morning, so i had to take it halfway off to have my blood drawn, but bless her heart - the phlebotomist was the best i've ever had. the pinch was the teeny tiniest pinch i've ever had. maybe that was the first good sign.

by 8:00, we were in the ob's waiting area, where i was asked to fill out a new patient history. i protested that my entire reproductive history was already in their computer, but the receptionist apologetically insisted that everyone had to fill one out for every pregnancy. let me share what a joy it was to recount both "number of deliveries" and "number of living children", as well as the weight of any children i had delivered and the amount of time i labored with them. the waiting room seemed to be filled with swelling harp music and soft-focus lighting as i relived the horrors of my losses.

fuckers.

when i got called back for my nurse education session, i got a new nurse, which should have been the second good sign, had i been paying attention. my ob's regular nurse is lovely and kind but has her lovely head up her kind ass. when the nurse asked how i was doing today, i told her i was frustrated, which drew her attention away from the computer screen. i explained that i was frustrated to be sitting in this session, again, where nothing new would be imparted to me, while i didn't know if this pregnancy was going anywhere. to her credit, she was totally cool. she asked me the minimum questions she had to ask and took us back to the exam room to wait for my ob.

my ob's secretary had already warned me that he would be fitting me in between interviews with prospective residents (he's the head of the residency program there) and we may have to wait, so i passed the time by going repeatedly to the restroom, during which i walked past a certain, hot doctor in a longish lab coat and knee boots, which i described for justin when i returned (he's got a thing for just the knee showing). the morning dragged on, and i was entertaining justin with doppler karaoke when my ob rushed in.

the lab results weren't back yet, but we reviewed everything else, and i was so lucky as to get a cervical exam, which on the one hand was improved by the fact that someone replaced the old ceiling art (those yucky black and white pictures of children in vintage clothing doing romantic adult things like holding hands or giving each other roses and kittens in baskets) with new ceiling art (nature scenes clumsily ripped from magazines), but on the other hand was diminished by the fact that he never cleans up after himself and is not too neat around my hoo-ha in the first place. i somehow always wind up with ky on my thighs; i don't recall that ever being an issue with any of the long line of gynecologists i've had in my time.

after we were done, and then waited while a nurse called the lab and tried to hurry them along, my ob promised to call me the second he got the results, and we decided we'd go to breakfast and wait for his call, because there was no way i could go back to work and sit and wait and freak out and then get the call at work and freak out some more. just as we walked out into the hall, dr knees appeared, and twirled around, and justin got to see not just a peek of her but a 360. unlike me, he was astute enough to recognize a good omen when he saw one.

and then as we waited at the elevators, my ob came running around the corner yelling, "we got the results!" and then he gave us the good news: 19,000. what a beautiful number. by my calculations, i wanted at least a 12,000; my ob was hoping for anything over 10,000. woo-hoo! little z is already exceeding expectations!

he gave me the order for my ultrasound; he wrote it for this week, in case i needed while he was gone on vacation, but asked me to wait until next week, when we'll be much more likely to get a solid picture and a heartrate. and then he said a funny thing. he said we didn't want another early ultrasound like last time, when the heartbeat was so slow. i didn't know that. no one ever told me the tadpole's heartbeat got off to a sluggish start. at my 5w2d ultrasound, they had trouble distinguishing my heartbeat from the tadpole's, which should have been a big doh! for me. the rates shouldn't have been so similar. i don't know how that got past me, as hyper-vigilant as i am about researching everything. it doesn't really have anything to do with this pregnancy; it just made me go, huh.

the ultrasound lab is closed monday and booked solid all week, but my ob said i was threatening miscarriage to force them to get me in, so i'm triple-booked in a week from friday. i'm looking forward to my first look at little z. and i'm the most relaxed i've been in months. also a little in shock - i was so sure today would be spent arranging a d&c. i am thrilled to be booking an ultrasound instead.

19,000 is not a lonely number

That's good news! 6 weeks and a day, give or take 6 weeks and a day. Ultrasound next week, the doc is optimistic. Now we can breath.

all my children - note the new headline

"Proud parents of a stillborn son, a miscarried tadpole and a swimming zygote".

It's most appropriate to include all of my children in the headline. Johannes get's top billing, ofcourse, because he's the headliner: He's why we are here. He's why we all know each other. He's a rockstar, dammit!

I really do need to work on that themesong of his.

What else? He's a big brother. This is still freaking me out a bit. I've got children. Plural. Wow. Let's hope that this one gets to stick around a bit longer than his siblings.

I'm working on getting a t-shirt, or a sticker, anything - any ideas? - that say "I'm a big brother". Sure, Hans wouldn't understand what was going on, but he'd certainly dig on getting a new t-shirt and he'd just love to put his ear on mom's tummy to listen to this little thing growing inside of her.

the day before the beta results blues

i feel like a long stretch of bad road, or whatever other cliche you can think of. i barely slept. i feel beat up, raw, bruised, stretched beyond my limits. i am so scared. i have such a bad feeling about this pregnancy. i don't know how i'm going to make it another 24.5 hours to get my next beta results. and if they come back bad, i'm going to be stuck in a bad place for the rest of the holidays. my ob leaves on vacation thursday, for a week, and it being the holidays i'm not going to be able to get a d&c until maybe next week, and even then it won't be done by someone i trust as much as my ob. merry fucking christmas.

the worst part is, what if the results are good? then what? the results were fan-fucking-tastic as this point in the last pregnancy, but it was doomed, too. a good result tomorrow is no insurance that this pregnancy is going anywhere. there's no win. as horrible as hans's death was, i was still pretty positive about having another child, but the tadpole's miscarriage really fucked with me. it made pregnancy a mine field. it taught me there is no safe place. i hate that. if little z or some successor actually makes it to fruition, i'm going to be such a basket case i won't be around to see it grow up. i'll be locked away in some rural, colonial mansion-turned-institution for wackos. i just hope they have a good art program.

i was having a dream this morning that it was tomorrow and we were in the ob's office. justin was wearing a backward baseball cap for reasons that are unclear. someone told the ob the results were in, and he asked me if i wanted to go with him to see them.

and then my alarm went off. damn.

la la la la la la i can't hear you!

i am scared spitless about little z. or maybe that's scared shitless, since i have the stress-induced spastic squirts. i don't have a good feeling, but who knows what that means. so i'm trying to ignore the doubting voices in my head (in between runs to the ladies' room) by thinking about other things. like:

• jessica simpson has asked the court not to grant spousal support to nick lachey. not that i give a damn about either of them, but i care for him even less than for her, and i found myself giving a little cheer for jess. like she needs my support. and what's up with her freaky sister? we all deserve a little therapy, but none of us deserves it more than her. justin has a great story about her. okay, it's not a great story. but it's typical. he hasn't posted in OVER A MONTH, so maybe he could grace us with a few words on ashlee, if he can't write about himself these days.
• comments on rach's blog have me pondering the execution of tookie williams. someone (maybe her husband) pointed out that by killing other people he was committing long, slow suicide, starting at that moment. this will surprise many people, but i am against capital punishment. okay, it probably surprises no one. if you were surprised, where have you been? someone else (i'm sure well-meaning) dragged a woman's choice into the debate, too, saying a woman gets to make her choice when she "opens her legs" (don't get me started on that one). but what all this really has me thinking about is how evangelical christianity, which used to be the leading anti-capital punishment force in this country - and still is in other parts of the world - is now so fully in support of it. it sickens me and saddens me. jesus preached that the days of "an eye for an eye" were over, now that he was the new sherriff in town. he preached "turn the other cheek". he offered redemption. he said each life meant something to him, that his father had his eye on each of us. if jesus is who he says he is, i am absolutely certain he is anti-capital punishment. i have my doubts about the whole jesus-and-god thing, anyway, but at least there's something of value in jesus's teachings - something that many of his self-proclaimed followers seem to ignore. what a fucked-up mess. and anyway, about tookie, yeah, he did the worst thing a human being can do to another. but he also regretted it, turned his life around, caused positive change in the world. why would the political right want to use him as an example? not that i condone it, but use someone evil and unrepentant, why don't you? it wasn't just morally reprehensible, it was politically dumb.
• why did bush bother to give a speech last night? he said nothing new. what a waste of time. plus, he caused "grey's anatomy" to be delayed. it's my guilty pleasure, and i don't like it when people interfere with things i already feel guilty about anyway. like i didn't despise bush enough already. and remember when patrick dempsey's hair was kind of geeky? when did it become a beacon of sex? i think he's about to go on my list.
• speaking of "the list" - gael garcia bernal would have to be on the top of it. you know, like i'm ever going to be in the running to sleep with him.

how about distracting me? it's the least you could do, in my time of distress. tell me who's on your list!

waving the white flag

i'm giving up when it comes to christmas guilt. i have accepted that i will not bake a single christmas cookie this year. i will not give sending cards another thought. i will not have time to finish christmas shopping until the day of christmas eve, and that's just the way that it is. the christmas lights on the front of the house (still there from last year's haphazard hanging!) will not get plugged in, to which i say, tough nougies.

christmas sucks lice-ridden monkey balls without hans. my only goal is to wake up christmas morning with the love of my life. i hope justin won't mind. (of course, i'm kidding - i just want to be with him christmas morning.) i will maybe go to justin's grandmother's for dinner after he has to go to work that day, if i feel like it. if i don't, i will not worry what his family thinks. i think that we have managed to put our tree up and to get 5/6 of the shopping done is a freaking christmas miracle, frankly.

and if little z is still with us on christmas day - well, that would be the best christmas miracle ever.

out, damned spot!

i have a new theory about the spot on the toilet paper - it was a flaw, a discoloration in the substandard, industrial sandpaper stocked in the corporate john. upon inspection today, i noticed numerous similar spots that appear to be a part of the very fiber of this fiberglass cheesecloth on a roll. so for now, i'm going with that.

i'm still stinky, or at least i think so. it's kind of hard to smell through my stuffed-up nose, but if i sniff hard i still get a whiff of something unpleasant, so that fact encourages me. i keep trying to get justin to sniff me - he's a pretty odiferous person normally, so you'd think he'd be all tolerant - but no, he keeps declining.

i'm trying to focus on christmas. wednesday will come soon enough. but if they think in between the blood test and the appointment with the ob on wednesday morning i'm keeping the nurse's education appointment that they insisted on booking for me, they are sadly mistaken. there was nothing the nurse told me the first time around that i didn't already know before i sat through her lecture (and some of it was arguably outdated), and there is no way i'm going to be insulted for 45 minutes with pregnancy 101 while i wait to find out if this pregnancy is going anywhere.

we got the computer back today - woohoo! - but we're going to hear our friend's band tonight and have to finish up all things christmasy tomorrow, so the great catch-up is further delayed. i look forward to reading all my favorite blogs soon - i'm aiming for sunday night.

have a good weekend.

blechhhh ***now updated with more depressing crap!***

we're back from madrid. we had a great time, but we're both sick now, and cleveland is grey and muddy and slushy and under mountains of snow, which is depressing.

i called my ob, and he had me go to the lab to check my beta levels, which turned out to be 1586 - not bad, but not fantastic; within normal range, but on the low side. when my ob called me back with the result, he sounded more cautious than he did when we talked earlier in the day, before the test. yuck. the plan is to get another beta check next wednesday, then go from there. if my beta level is still going up, he'll schedule an ultrasound the following week.

i thought christmas would be easier with little z (as our zygote has become known) with me, but it sounds like nothing will be too definite on christmas day yet. crap.

also, if everything goes well, justin feels strongly about not going public until after hans's birthday in february, which will be about 16 weeks. the thought of waiting that long makes me feel desperate and panicky. but it may not matter, if little z doesn't make it that long anyway. crap. crap. crap.

i've certainly been continuously and desperately hungry of late, although today not as much, but that may just be because of my cold and congestion. god, i hope that's all it is.

i have a million things to catch up on at work, and our laptop hasn't been returned yet, so it will be a few days before i catch up on everything and publish pictures of our trip. i wish i were home, in bed, with the covers pulled over my head.


***the 6:15 pm update: i'm so discouraged. i wish i had asked for a regular old 48 hour beta check. how will i make it until next wednesday in this limbo? i'm crampy, in a very pre-menstrual-y way, and i had a tiny, tiny little brown spot when i wiped. which of course could be poop. which wouldn't bode well for my ability to successfully diaper little z or any of its successors if i can't keep my own fecal matter away from my hoo-ha. but a speck-o-shit would be much, much better than a speck-o-endometrium, don't you think?

so here's hoping my hygiene is sub-standard!

so close i can feel it

17: the number of hours until i leave work for the airport.

9: the number of bills i have to pay tonight. ick.

2: the number of suitcases we're taking. sorry, justin - sweaters take up too much room; you're going to have to pack a separate bag. but i'll take my pregnancy clothes out of the grey suitcase for you. hey - i'll need those things soon!

0: the number of christmas presents i'm going to get shipped before we leave. i just have too much else to do. i'll ship them when we get back. i'll still have 8 or 9 shipping days. i think.

this time tomorrow, i'll be in newark, about to board the flight to madrid. i can almost taste the sangria already. (don't worry - taste is all i'll do.)

i am sooooo ready to go already! oooo - i just realized - it's the zygote's first foreign travel! awwwwwwww.

if wishes were horses

i couldn't figure out last night what to get my nephew to go with the toot & puddle books we got him. my sister said he wants clothes for christmas, which is kind of dumb, because if he could actually speak at ten months, i'm sure he would be demanding WEEBLES, dammit, or bite me elmo or whatever the thing is this year, but if he wants clothes, he can go buy his own damn clothes. he's getting his own gift card with a holographic penguin that flaps its arms up and down. he can knock himself out. look, i tried. i looked at all the toddler clothes. they didn't make me sad. but they made me mad. mad, mad, mad. so i grabbed the gift card and ran.

and then there's my dad. what's the perfect gift for the dad who's fun but pretty much a bastard or at least suffering from multiple mental disorders for which he refuses treatment and may or may not die imminently from cancer? this year, everyone else is getting gift cards and a selection of gourmet munchies, but a lowe's card and a jar of greek eggplant spread doesn't really say, "hope your last christmas on earth is special!"

part of the problem is i don't know what message i want to send. there is one part of me that has separated myself so much from him that i don't care much what his christmas is like. and then there's another part of me that says, he's dying, and he's scared, and maybe he did the best he could, or maybe not, but he's human, so throw the man a bone. i'm looking for the position somewhere between zero involvement and total involvement, but i don't know how that's possible. either i'm involved in his last year(s) or i'm not. i don't know how to be a little involved, or to be involved to any degree without getting damaged. i don't have the energy for the balancing act.

and then there's the little - little what? little embryo? not very cuddly. the fertilized egg? a bit cold. i don't know what to call it. i've been sort of talking to myself about the little seedling, but it's not a tree, for pete's sake, plus seedling is too close to seed, which grosses me out as a term for semen. no one should ever, ever again say they "planted their seed." ew. ew. ew. so i'm back to embryo. or maybe zygote, which at least sounds a little zany, right?

so there's the little zygote. i don't really feel anxious per se. what i feel is fear. i am afraid of hoping. i am afraid of having my heart broken. again. which takes me back to the moment when my heart was broken last time. which last night made me sob with all my heart in the car. i still want him back. and something not quite healthy wants this new being to be him. i know it's not rational. but it is what it is.

of course, this little 'gote will have its own personality. when (trying to say "when" and not "if") this baby is born, i will love it for itself. i will want it to be itself and not try to live up to its dead brother's fabled perfection or to fulfill dreams we had for hans. i don't want to impose my expectations for hans on this child. i want to love this one as is.

but couldn't i just have hans back, too?

in a state of shock

i can't quite believe it's real, even though i'm looking at the positive test right here on the table next to me. in fact, it seems to have gotten darker since this time yesterday, but maybe it's the eery glow of the computer monitor doing something funky to it. sometime last night, in the car, it sort of smacked me, and i thought, well, i should say something. so i yelled, "hi, baby!" at the top of my lungs. you know, so it could hear me. since it doesn't have ears yet. it takes powerful sound waves to penetrate cell walls. i assume.

you'd think with all the physical symptoms taking over my body, it would be easy to believe, but maybe i'm in shock. even though a week ago i was doing the happy-to-have-b.o. dance, i think i had convinced myself that something had happened but it wasn't going to make it. so maybe the problem is just that i have to reverse gears again.

after i picked justin up last night, he asked me if i'd been able to stop thinking about it all day, with a grin that told me he hadn't. and he said something about the anxiety starting all over again. but at least for that moment, i didn't feel any anxiety. i feel like it's going to be okay. maybe it's because this pregnancy is the first one i haven't started with a bout of bleeding (knock on wood), but i have to say, low anxiety is nice. remind me that i felt this way when i start freaking out.

i tried hard with my first two pregnancies to avoid being heavily pregnant in the summer. i didn't even think about that factor this time, and now (if we make it that far), the third trimester will be...in the summer. i reminded justin of that last night when he complained about my active shivering and said, "i can't wait for you to be too hot again." it occurred to me this morning, though, that a sunshine-filled third trimester may make it less likely for me to be so depressed toward the end. plus, i won't have to fight with my coat because i won't need it by the time i'm huge. so, yea for that.

dude, i'm having a baby. maybe. i hope.

the stink never lies; or, here we go again

more dumb, unscientific, secondary signs

1. my right hand has started to go numb when i'm on the computer too long or gripping the steering wheel of the car and at night.
2. when i go to the bathroom, my hoo-ha smells faintly and not unpleasantly like it did in my other pregnancies.
3. i think the hair on my legs is growing faster. but i could just be paranoid about that one.

just to refresh your memory, we can add this dumb list to the already existing dumb list of:

1. somewhat stanky pits
2. peeing a couple of times a night
3. pelvic twitches (i wish that were as hot as it potentially sounds...)

on the other hand, we have:

1. attempts to initiate conception on the early side and on the late side but not during primetime
2. my tendency towards paranoia and wishful thinking
3. that lovely bfn on saturday

i'm going to go to work and try to ignore this stuff, which means zero. hey, you have a good day, too.

hans's ornaments

from justin's dad last year, his antique ice skates:

from justin's mom last year, the parents-to-be cup:

from my mom last year, the first in what was to be a childhood full of wooden ornaments, another pair of ice skates:

and from my mom this year, his second wooden ornament, a prop plane:

when i opened the box from my mom friday and realized the little green box inside was his ornament, i started to cry. i hate it when i cry at work. i waited to open it until i got home, so justin and i could open it together. there's so little mention of hans in my world not made by justin or me; this acknowledgement of him means the world to me. when i talked to my mom last night and told her so, she said she wouldn't have thought to not get him an ornament.

my mom doesn't always understand, but sometimes she really gets it right.

strange days indeed, mama

justin didn't send the computer off when he planned because he spent the whole day trying to download pictures from his czech trip, and we didn't want the computer to come back and sit on our porch while we were on our next trip. so we still have it here, but we might as well have sent it off because we've spent practically no time on it.

i'm in this limbo - am i or not? - that's almost too much to think about without going insane, so i haven't been thinking about it. much. i've thrown myself into work (ha! for once!) and christmas shopping (half done!). it's hard to write about something i'm not letting myself feel. much. so i've stayed away from the computer.

for the record, here's what's happening: mid-week, i was stinky, and starving, and feeling pelvic twitches (for lack of a better term), and i felt electric sparks on my left thigh (i'm not even getting into that one any further except to say i experienced something identical and very odd at the onset of the other two pregnancies). today, i'm a little stinky, but i really have to sniff hard and close, and the pelvic twitches have become more like twitchy cramps, and the leg fireworks have stopped. despite what justin (sarcastically) says, i'm no doctor, but my gut feeling is that we managed fertilization but not lasting implantation. i tested yesterday, thinking i would put my mind at ease, but the negative result only made me feel...lumpier. i don't know what i expected on cd26 - maybe my very own christmas miracle, complete with angelic choir. maybe i should be thankful not to have that sort of result while seated on the toilet. it's kind of weird that two of my life's peak moments have occurred on the toilet - makes it a little hard to share those stories. next time i test, i ought to get my ass off the toilet and go in the other room to wait for the result.

we leave friday for either lisbon or madrid (depending on which flight looks better), and i am sooooooo excited to just go away. my original plan had been to test thursday if my period hadn't started; maybe i'll wait until friday - at least if it's negative, it will be negative a few hours before i get on a plane to drink myself silly for a few days. so there's that consolation.

both cities are great for drinking. lisbon will mean putting on our black clothes and slinking around the port institute by day, tasting different vintages and commenting wryly on the 70s modern decor, then at night consuming masses of brazilian food with vinho verde, the fabulous portuguese green wine, then sipping more port while listening to fado somewhere. madrid will mean nightly bar crawls starting at 10 or 11 pm, drinking a tumbler of sangria with the house nibble - hot grilled mushrooms, or sharp montego cheese, or crusty bread - at every establishment around the city center, rolling into the chocolateria about 6 am to drink cups of hot chocolate as thick as pudding and dipping freshly fried churros into our cups, then falling back into bed until it's time to do it all over again. either way, i win.