give peace a chance

i finally got some peace of mind today, but not before justin and i had a little shouting match with each other in the ultrasound room and i soaked through the paper liner on the ultrasound table under me with my tears. we are so classy.

i also made it through 2 1/2 hours without anyone asking me to take off my underwear, which in and of itself makes it a happy visit.

we saw the tadpole (it looks this week like a little piece of cut-up chicken) and its heartbeat - what a rush, to not just be told that there's a heartbeat, but to actually see it for myself! its heartrate was a very solid 134 bpm, and it measured 6w4d - exactly 7 days more than we measured a week ago, so it's growing appropriately. the tech printed us a picture of the little chicken bit and then went to get the peri.

justin was feeing pretty good, but i was not, because the measurements today still meant that my early beta levels were extraordinarily high for the tadpole's age, which worried me, which upset justin. we were having a lovely exchange of raised voices when the wonderful, adorable, favorite peri came in, so i laid out all my concerns and background concerns with hans and the data i had found for her. she told me that despite all the wonderful, cutting-edge things going on in maternal-fetal medicine there, for some reason the beta results they get back there - while consistent with each other as a group - have no correlaton to beta statistics from any where else in the universe; she sees it all the time. the relief that washed over me was so intense that i let loose with another flood of tears.

she got my chart and actually showed it to me, and reviewed our progress so far, and let me know she was very pleased with how things are looking. unlike last time, this embryo is not losing a little ground between each visit - it is growing exactly as she would want it to at this stage. she also took the time to acknowledge that there would be something new to freak out about every week of this pregnancy and to encourage us to find a way to expect it and learn to live with it.

then we went over for my checkup with my ob. my blood pressure is still low, and despite the fact that my belly grows daily (as my co-workers cannot help but point out to me daily), i have not gained any weight (so apparently my increased appetite and increased nausea are perfectly matched). my ob was very, very happy with the ultrasound report, and wrote me the anti-nausea 'scrip (woo-hoo!), and okayed me for the december trip to italy.

i wasn't even going to go over the dating concerns with him because i was okay with what the peri told me, but justin brought it up, so i laid it all out again for him. he did the math and came out with the same results i did (which certainly made me feel less crazy), and he admitted that my beta levels were "very curious". he is trying to work it out for himself, which makes me feel even better - i don't have to worry about it now, because he's worrying about it for me! he also assured me that he would be keeping a very close eye on this baby's maturity and would not let me go any later than absolutely necessary. i have never loved him more.

so now we get to cruise for a month until the next ultrasound, at which we will have the nuchal fold translucency test (hey! something new to obsess about! down's syndrome!) and then another ob follow-up. that leaves me a month to get over the bruises from today's ultrasound, and to celebrate my brother-in-law's wedding, and to spend a week with my family, and to find some new hobby with which to occupy myself every time i freak out that the tadpole will have down's.

the root of all nausea

tomorrow morning: post-conception ultrasound and follow-up appointment #2!

in which i hope that i will be able to see the heartbeat for myself and not have to trust the peri that it's just there.

in which i hope the tadpole measures at least 7 weeks.

in which i will beg my ob to write me a new 'scrip for reglan, before i puke up my toenails.

perhaps i wouldn't be so nauseated all the time if my life did not revolve around all things baby-related. but it does. boy, does it. i do not have a thought that i do not tie in to (a) hans, (b) the tadpole, or (c) both of the above. just try me:

1. so, lauralu, those weeds are really coming up in the garden. yes, but i'm just so tired at this stage of the pregnancy that i have no energy left to tackle them when i get home. variation: i thought i'd be spending lots of time in the garden with hans this summer, and without him i find it depressing back there.
2. can you meet with the three new field reps next wednesday? i think i might have another ob appointment that day. variation - that will mean getting up and coming in earlier, which is so hard to do at this stage of pregnancy.
3. how about those floods all along the gulf coast? thank god it's not happening here, where flood waters might carry away hans's ashes before i had a chance to grab his box, or where they might close off the road between me and my ob!
4. are you excited about your family coming this weekend? oh, yes, i can't wait to go shopping with my mom and sister for new baby things! variation - yeah, but i wish my nephew (he of the ever-changing nicknames) was going to get to play with his cousin.
5. so what music excites you these days? blah blah blah futureheads blah blah blah hans's favorite band blah blah blah. variation - i'm trying to listen to a really wide variety of music, and loudly, so that the tadpole has an affinity for all kinds of music. (you know. when it develops actual ear buds.)

it's hopeless. i'm hopeless. let's just hope (for my sake, and the tapole's, and justin's - especially justin's, because he often really, really wants to thwack me of late) that the appointment tomorrow is better than anyone's wildest imagination, so good even i can't find anything wrong with it!

see ya!

the next time i turn on the air conditioner, the tadpole will probably be at home with us. whoa.

the canadian geese that populate (and poopulate) my office parking lot every summer have been gathering in the retention pond, seemingly engaging in lively discussion on when they need to leave to make it to OSU in time for football season. when i walk outside, that warm pang no longer hits me; it's been replaced by a grey shiver. and in the time-tested tradition, i've got a changing-of-the-seasons bug, keeping me home from work (and not really helping with the nausea).

i can't believe summer is essentially over. i thought this would be the summer of taking hans all over the neighborhood in his silver jogging stroller and taking him for his first dip in the block pool. i thought justin would be taking a leave of absence to stay home with hans for the summer, culminating in a big road trip this month across the western united states. i thought about now i might be weaning hans (i have my doubts about being able to breastfeed full time for very long). i thought i would have spent my sunday afternoons in the yard on blankets with kath, and charlie and hans, comparing notes about their development and complaining about how little time there was for anything else but not really caring all that much.

instead, this has been my summer of doubt: doubt about a god who would allow hans to die. doubt about the merits of going back on serzone. doubt about being able to get pregnant again. doubt about what to do with the rest of my life, work-wise. and while it's ending on a high note (the tadpole is percolating!), i can't help but have at least a little doubt that we'll ever bring home a live child.

i'm glad the summer is over. i'm not afraid to admit it! (remind me of that when i complain about winter.) i'm tired of the heat, and the uncertainty, and the grief, and the unremitting growth of weeds in my garden, with which i will never, ever be able to keep up.

i kind of wish i was going back to school now; i miss the tingly optimism i always used to feel around labor day. i'd like to be buying cute plaid skirts and picking out spiral notebooks and pencils and thinking about pep rallies. but that was like a lifetime ago.

so this fall, i am looking forward to wearing my new scarlet red maternity top, even if it is with the same old black maternity pants that were the only ones in which i was ever comfortable. i'm looking forward to ultrasounds and tiny, galloping heartbeats, and will try to expect that the heartbeat will always be there with the same confidence i used to have that this would be the year the football team would have a perfect season, that peter f. would finally notice me and ask me out, that my parents would finally lighten up on me. i am looking forward to my 36th birthday party/rocktoberfest that justin is already planning. i'm looking forward to our week in naples in december, probably our last trip before the tadpole joins us (unless i can persuade my doctor of the benefits of another trans-atlantic flight early in the third trimester).

so, sayonara, summer! and don't let the fall kick you on your way out.

why i am still awake?

the entire universe has long (wrongly) believed that the loss of a child equates a higher divorce rate. but what no one believes, or misbelieves, or seems to have thought about, at least publicly, is the effect of a "subsequent pregnancy after a loss" on a marriage. that's the one that will kill you. we could not be on more different pages, after you get past the page where we can't believe our good (or dumb) luck to be pregnant again. we've agreed to cut each other some slack from here on out. let's hope we can both actually do it.

i get so emotional, baby

i feel like a baby. not because i cry all the time (more on that later), but because i need to be fed every two hours. it's the only way to keep the nausea at bay. at 2 hours 15 minutes, i start moaning. at 2 hours 30 minutes, all hell breaks loose. so i'm taking care of my current need to feed with a piece of chocolate chocolate cake. i deserve it, don't i?

no wonder newborns need to eat so often - they get used to it in utero!

*****

about that crying: i'm crazily emotional. i feel so much joy about the tadpole, and at the same time, i am so sad that hans will not be here to welcome him or her. hans should get to stay with his grandma and eat ice cream while we're in labor and delivery, and then he should get to come up to the hospital to meet his new sibling and poke him or her in the eye. it's what the older brother does.

as wonderful as having the tadpole will be, i will miss hans being there, too. it won't be the same without him.

*****

vixanne asked how i felt about people's reactions to news of the tadpole. that people seem so genuinely happy for us is great. it helps me be happy for us, too. that people are also so overwhelmingly relieved for us, and feel safer to talk about hans now - well, it's weird, sure. i don't think justin was so happy with the relief reaction from other people, but he can talk about that for himself.

for me, it was surprising; i thought that people would stop talking about hans now, so i'm pleased for him to be discussed even more; to my mind, every time someone talks about him, he lives on a little more.

the thing i learned early on is that no one knows what to say about a dead baby; some people mean well but just say dumb things because they feel like they must say something, anything, but other people in that situation just don't say anything at all. there's no easy answer to it. the death of a child is almost impossible to wrap your mind around. so while i have been angry at some genuinely idiotic things that have been said to me, i've mostly been able to cut people all the slack they need about it and just be grateful when someone is brave and smart enough to say something really meaningful to me.

so now - i'm trying to appreciate that some people were thoughtful enough to not say dumb things to me earlier, and that they're genuine enough with me now to admit their relief as well as their grief for hans. i don't think the same is true for justin, but that relief thing, even though surprising, is okay with me. it means people are genuinely invested in us; if they didn't care, they wouldn't feel anything so strong. it's a blessing that so many people do care about us; it went a long way toward making hans's death more bearable, and i'm counting on it helping us through this pregnancy.

some discombobulating things

i am trying so hard not to complain. but i am this close. the nausea is making it difficult to concentrate on anything, like, oh, i don't know, WORK. is that complaining? i think it is. i've officially crossed the line.

*****

it seems inconceivable to me that we're actually going to have another baby, one that, with a little luck, we will actually bring home, and keep, and raise. we won't be babysitting or borrowing this child. it will always be around. whoa.

*****

it was so much fun to tell my friend over dinner and, later, justin's grandmother about the tadpole. they are both thrilled, plus we got justin's grandmother to rip extensively on the infamous aunt who, among other things, sent a message to the hospital (while i was in labor with hans) that she had asked her pastor, who was leaving that day on a mission trip, to bring us back a filipino baby. frankly, i've only recently stopped worrying daily that i'm going to come to find a baby in a basket on my porch, and about how i'm going to explain to the authorities that i had nothing to do with the kidnapping of this child.

today at work, we're having a nacho bar and chocolate cake potluck to celebrate that one co-worker bought her first house this week, and two of them are starting back to school this week, and that the tadpole is now among us. i love it when people walk by and ask what we're celebrating, and i get to tell them. people are so genuinely happy for me. i love that.

*****

over dinner last night, my friend said, i have to tell you, it's such a relief! and then she felt like she had said something wrong and apologized. but with a little encouragement she explained that it's so much eaiser now to talk about hans and about what happened; for the last six months, i guess she's felt like there was all this pressure - i'm not sure pressure to what - but it's gone now.

as little sense as that seems to make, it is making some sense to me, because it's happened several times. three of the women with which i work, regularly but not in the same department, have suddenly, upon hearing about the tadpole, poured out their hearts to me about how sad they were about hans. i think some people were afraid to talk about him for fear of making me sad, but now that there's new hope they feel safe. i guess. i'm not articulating this feeling very well. but it's clear that many people feel not only ecstatic but relieved that we're having another baby. well, guess what - i'm both ecstatic and relieved, too. :)

self esteem & the fat kid take the back seat

Candid camera should be following me around today. Maybe they are? I'm covered in Diet Coke at the moment, much to the amusement of the fellas in the airport lounge. "Shake it, shake it up" is playing on the radio. Quite appropriate. Anyhow, there's a flight delay at the moment, and since I'm the guy who does everything that someone else has panned off, which I myself couldn't find someone else to pan off on, it is I who shall be setting up a munchie cart. Airline peanuts, pretzels and Coke, things that if they were patient, they'd be eating on the plane in 30 minutes and griping about. Oh well. As I was tidying up the cart for presentation, two Diet Cokes fell from the cart - exploding and spraying everywhere, mostly on me. I can still hear dude laughing outside my office.

If that wasn't enough, the cheese dispenser at the Sbarro is mocking. Pointing it's finger at me, laughing at the sight of my body flopping and jiggling as I try and shake a bit of pepper, oregano and ramano atop my slice.

brand new day

good news: my fever broke during the night, and i feel like a new person today! it's amazing what a couple of ginger ales, a couple of tylenol capsules, and 10 hours of sleep will do for a person.

tonight, i'm having dinner with the girlfriend who co-hosted hans's shower. i am so excited to tell her about the tadpole! she sounded down when she called (she had a setback in her ice-skating career and officially retired monday, plus she just had to take a huge pay cut at her day job), so i hope the tadpole will cheer her. and she is the kind of person who is very generous in her joy for other people, which is probably why i maintain a friendship with her even though we don't work together any more and don't have that much in common; a generous spirit is a rare and beautiful thing, and i want to surround myself with as many of them as possible.

after dinner, i will pick justin up from work, and we will drop in on his grandmother and give her the tadpole news. i can't wait to see her reaction. i have come to love her like my own grandmother, so telling her is important to me, as important to me as to justin. her birthday is in april - wouldn't it be cool if the tadpole was born on its great-grandmother's 75th birthday?

i woke up to justin signing against my belly to the tadpole. i'm starting to recognize "hi", but i can't interpret the rest. still, it's lovely to be a part of their little chats.

our tadpole is already spreading joy everywhere it goes. :)

some clarification is in order

1. the protein situation i described is a blood protein; it's passed on genetically. it is not affected by nutrition. happily, the nutritional protein problem i developed after being really sick after i lost hans has been resolved and my nutritional state is in good order (or we wouldn't have pulled the goalie when we did).
2. like the rh factor, if the father has the jk protein and passes the gene for it on to the child and the mother doesn't have it, the mother will develop an antibody to it. it won't affect that child, but if the next child also has the jk protein, it is at risk of being attacked by the mother's now pre-existing antibodies. most people have the jk protein; i just happen not to. it's a pretty minor factor that is less likely to be a problem than the rh factor. unlike rh factor, though, there is no injection therapy for the mother or the child with the antibody i have; the only therapy is an intrauterine blood transfusion, which carries a small risk of fatality for the child. if multiple transfusions are required, the risk increases somewhat. but i'm counting on not having any problems with it. :)
3. why i am playing the numbers game today: despite the fact that i was on a regular cycle and knew EXACTLY when we conceived hans, his age was adjusted back at the first ultrasound because of those damn measurements. consequently, when he died he was really 41 weeks, not a few days shy of 40. of course, i will never know for sure what would have happened, and i can't change the past, but if i had spoken up about my concerns up front rather than saying little and worrying by myself, maybe he would have been induced before he died and maybe he would be alive now. i can't do anything about it, but i can work out my concerns now and speak up about them and advocate for this child and get some answers i can live with now rather than fretting about it for the next eight months. i am not trying to drive myself nuts; i'm trying to get me some sanity. lectures on this subject, even well-meaning ones, are just not helpful. i do not need to feel shame for trying to help myself and my child.
4. i have daily chats with the tadpole (what we discuss is our business), and justin greets it daily by signing "hi" against my belly. we're connecting as much as we can with the tadpole.
5. i am still confident that ultimately i will come home with a happy and healthy tadpole. i figure we all have it coming to us. :)

i've got some viral bug making me feel fluish, so i'm going to bed now, and my darling husband is going to walk home from the train so i can get the sleep i need. i'm so keeping him.

in which i survive the ultrasound without hyperventilating

they took us into a different room for the ultrasound, for which i am so grateful. and because i was seeing my ob immediately afterward, i got to hand-carry the ultrasound report to my ob's office, which allowed me to read it. the report sounded more emphatic and optimistic than the peri was when she talked to me, so maybe she was trying to manage my expectations; i don't know. the sac measured 7 weeks but the tadpole itself measured 5w4d. i'm glad we're getting another reading next week, because now that i sit down and go back to betabase and compare my numbers, 5w4d seems impossible.

if anyone reading knows anything about this, please let me know whether i'm looking at this right: if the tadpole is 5w4d today, then i ovulated 3w4d ago, right? 3w4d ago would be the 30th of july (the 31st day of my cycle, might i add), so when i had hcg tests on the 9th and 11th of august, those would be on days 10 and 12 after ovulation. i think. i've tried to avoid charting and all the insanity that goes with it, so i'm kind of a novice. anyway, if my hcg readings were 714 and 2056 on those two days, i would be off the charts. the highest reported hcg level on day 10 (would that be 10dpo?) is 103; a 714 isn't even range with the highest reported numbers until day 14+, and doesn't fall in line with the median until day 19. (it's definitely a single sac, so i'm looking at the single chart.) i'm so confused. if anyone can tell me where i'm mistaken, i'd be grateful. if i'm not mistaken, and if the measurement next week is in line with today's measurement, i'm going to have to lay this all out with my ob, 'cause it's freaking me out, since last time we kind of went through the same thing and i want to get it straightened out right away this time.

and of course, because it would be too simple for everything to just be fine, a new wrinkle has developed. apparently justin has a minor blood protein - JK - that i don't, and hans had it, too, so i developed an antibody (JK-B) to it. the good news is that the chances of a problem are relatively small, and that i have the B version and not the A version (which is worse), and i will be monitored to death in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters (so i won't have to admit how hysterical i am and beg for more ultrasounds). if there is a problem, it will be my antibodies attacking the baby's blood cells, causing anemia and swelling, for which they'll be looking in the ultrasounds. also, early on they'll be checking the baby's blood cell counts in a certain vessel in its brain, which will warn them in advance whether there's a problem. if it did happen, they could give it an intrauterine transfusion, which has about a 2% risk of fetal death. not that i'm too confident on how lucky i am versus the odds these days, but the chance of a problem is pretty slim, and i figure the universe owes me, so i'm going to try not to worry about it and just appreciate that i will automatically get ultrasounds galore because of it.

i went public as soon as i got to work, and my co-workers all screamed, "i knew it!" apparently, they talk behind my back daily and have just been waiting for me to say something. so much for dropping a bomb today.

how is it possible to be thrilled and terrified at the same time? is that terrifyingly thrilled? or thrillingly terrified?

tadpole: check. pulse: check. some relief: check

it was the same tech from last time, though laura didn't realize it until i pointed it out at breakfast. it was the same voice, unmistakable, though i didn't really hear with hans, i only saw the words roll off her lips "i'm not finding anything" - hearing her voice today sort of spooked me out - but she was prepared, knew we were coming, knew that we might react strangely to her being there. she was kind, compassionate and gentle. and well, this time she found something.

we're still early going, todays ultrasound puts us at 6 1/2 weeks, so we still have a long way to go, and there shall be plenty of stress. i'm ok with that. i'm also crazy excited about all of this. another ultrasound in a week, because lauras and the tadpoles pulse/beat were close together, they want to see the heartbeat more distinctly. more pictures for us.

feel my pain

in this report that just came out, researchers found that fetuses don't really develop the ability to experience pain until the third trimester. almost immediately, other researchers said, nuh-uh, they experience it in the second trimester, and so forth between the two camps, so that one cannot put any faith in either theory.

what pains me is that, either way, hans's death (at 40 weeks) was probably painful, at least for a little while. he was in enough distress to try to gasp for air, to no avail. even without understanding what was happening, he must have felt a sense of panic. my poor, poor baby. i wish i could have taken that feeling away from him.

looking forward, my panic over returning to the ultrasound lab grows (ha! you thought a sentence beginning with "looking forward" was going to be positive, didn't you!). on the one hand, to get to see the tadpole, and happily progressing, would do so much to turn around the bad vibes in that room. on the other hand, if the tadpole is not happily progressing - well, that will just be one sucky place.

on the one hand, my ever-increasing nausea gives me much hope. on the other hand, the giant cramp attack i had a half hour ago scares the crap out of me. more jekyll 'n hyde stuff. great.

dr jekyll and mrs hyde

i alternate between being terrified of going back in the dreaded ultrasound room (site of the Single Worst Moment of My Life) and not caring. i sometimes want to kill, kill, kill a co-worker, and then sometimes it's totally irrelevant what anyone else does. i would love to have twins, and i am also terrified of the added risk. i love justin with all my heart, but i would like to kick him in the nuts. i crave really clean food, but i just ate chocolate "donettes" for breakfast. my mother is the biggest support in the world to me, and i wish she would just not try to say anything supportive. i'm so relieved it's cooled off, and so afraid summer is already over.

i am so happy about the tadpole, and so sad it took hans's death to make this pregnancy possible.

today's pregnancy sign: surging hormones followed by roller-coaster emotions.

catherine, please report to the principal's office

your blog is messing me up again. is it something i've done? are you intentionally blocking me? 'cause that would be cold.

myhrr: MIA?

has anyone heard from lyrael (aka myhrr) lately? her last post was on the 11th. i know she's commented since then, but it's been a while. i hope she just went into labor at 37 weeks and is so busy with a healthy newborn that she doesn't have two seconds to go online, but i'm worried.

all i have to do is dream

i keep having these dreams about having twins.

so despite my resolve not to drive myself crazy, i went to betabase today and plugged in my test results from week before last. i had to guess about the big o day, because it should have been long, long before the bittersweet Last Condom Used, but if i extrapolate a bit, and compare my numbers with the medians for hcg levels and rate of doubling, the numbers fall much more closely into line with the multiples chart than the singles chart.

i'm a little freaked out, but i'm trying not to be.

i would really like to have twins. i would love to have two children grow up together. i would be thrilled for this to be my last pregnancy. i would be so relieved to not have to decide after this pregnancy whether we should try for a third child or start working on adoption or consider other options or have to make any decisions other than on what day justin can get in for a vasectomy. plus, twins would mean a slightly shorter pregnancy, which i find highly desirable.

on the other hand, twins mean greater risk. and i want less risk, not more. i feel like i can just barely deal with the risk level already reached; i'm not sure i'm mentally healthy enough to deal with more than i've got.

two weeks ago today, justin's mom called me and told me one of their clients in the psychiatry practice had told her that week that she was gifted with visions and that i was pregnant and everything was going to be all right. justin was at work at the time, so i just told her that i hoped she knew what she was talking about! when i picked justin up and told him about our conversation, he said, let's go see her, so we went to his mom's at 10:00 pm and gave her the good news.

i joked with my mother-in-law that maybe this client didn't need a psychiatrist, that people just thought she was crazy because she claimed to have visions but really she was on to something. i've been thinking today that i'd like to ask this client if she sees more than one baby. i don't really put any faith in this sort of thing normally, but nothing else i've believed over the course of my lifetime seems too viable at this point, so why not?

of course, if i'm going to put any stock into visions and dreams, then i have to also acknowledge dreams of the tadpole dying after it comes home from the hospital, and those dreams suck. i don't have any nightmares of miscarriage or stillbirth - just infant death. nice. really nice. i do not need any incentive to put stock in this variety of dream.

i feel like i have no breathing point, no point at which i can say, after i reach this milestone, i'll be able to breathe. i mean, hans died at 40 freaking weeks! and even if the tadpole lives, there are no guarantees of how long! this reality is making it difficult to be calm.

i think i need to go do yoga.

in which we get blacklisted at motherhood maternity shops

on the way home today, we stopped at the duty free shop at the fort erie/buffalo border crossing to buy some hooch for justin's brother's upcoming wedding, at his dad's request. we went a little crazy. i got a new, groovy, orange watch, with little pinholes in a grid all over the band and a kind of skewed, dali-esque face, which i will wear every day for at least a month and then i may alternate it with my regular watch (a slim, steel mesh skagen) or my engagement-commemorating swatch (blue, with cartoonish depictions of international tourism highlights, including the "christ the redeemer" statue in rio, at the base of which justin proposed).

we also bought perfume, happy for justin and be delicious for me. i hope it works out for me, because i love it. the last perfume i bought was green tea in paris, and while it smelled great in the shop, after wearing it around for a while, it smelled awful on me. of course, it smelled fabulous on justin, so for two years he has worn my french perfume every day, dammit. as he puts it on, he prances around our bedroom a little and sings "i feel pretty". telling on him makes me feel a little less resentful about my perfume smelling better on him than on me. but i digress. the point is, duty free shopping is fun. there was also chocolate involved.

about the time we hit the ohio state line, the storm started. i love to go fast, as fast as possible, but at times visibility was so bad i could only go about 30 mph. at one point, i thought, well, at least we don't have a child in the car - that would make this even more nervewracking! and then i thought, well, we do sort of have a child in the car. and that made me slow down a little more.

we bypassed home to go to the tux shop on the far side of town where justin should have gotten measured for his brother's wedding before we left on vacation but forgot. he needed to get measured by today to avoid the rush fees (which are such a scam, because they act like you're rushing their tailors or something, but no tailors are custom fitting anyone's tux; they're just pulling components with each renter's particular combination of measurements and shipping them to the stores once a week en masse to save money on shipping). because of flooding near the mall, it took us about a half-hour to finally give up trying to get to the actual store and just park where we were and walk there. but when we got to the store (on foot) it was 6:25 - and they close at 6:00 on saturdays. what store in or around a mall closes at 6:00 on a saturday??? it's completely absurd.

so we cut through the mall (to try not to get too much more soaked than we already were) to get back to our car and while there consoled ourselves by buying season 6 of the simpsons, which (finally!) came out this week. across from the store was a motherhood shop, which normally i hate, but they had the cutest shirt in the window, and justin encouraged me to try it on, so i did and i loved it. it's scarlet red - my favorite kind of red, which is my favorite color in the first place - and justin said, let me get it for you. i love him for understanding that i needed this shirt, both because it is my best color and because i needed an exercise in hope for the day, but also because he is not by nature a material gift giver, so when he does something like this, it means the world.

at the register, the cashier asked me if i had bought anything there before. i said, no, not adding that i mostly hated this store. then she said, "last name?" before i could speak, justin gave his last name (which is not mine). then she said, "first name?" and justin gave her his. she paused a half of a second this time but typed in "justin", and i tried not to laugh because i knew she wanted my information to send me propaganda and justin was up to something. then she asked, "address?" i started to ask her why she really needed my address when justin leaned over the counter with his full weight and said something like, look, i don't want to be on your list. our first child died, and i had signed up for all kinds of lists and now i cannot get our names off of those lists and we do not want to be on your freaking mailing list. and by the way, don't support gerber, because they're the worst. he was like some mob lackey on "the sopranos", all quiet and smooth but deadly, dangerously, threateningly serious. it was beautiful.

to her credit, the cashier was really nice about it and said several times, "that's totally fine" and "i totally understand", although i'm sure it didn't make her day. she didn't look at me again after that moment. but that's okay because i will not be going back there. i am not a motherhood maternity shop kind of mom. most motherhood maternity shop moms do not have faux-hawks (which is what my latest haircut has become). i just got a cool, uncharacteristic-for-that-shop shirt out of it. and i will need to break it out in about 20 minutes because my belly is already protesting against anything remotely fitted. it's going to be really embarrassing if, at my wednesday ultrasound, they say, um, you're only about three weeks along, because i am this close to breaking out the drawstring pants.

and now, a word to catherine

what have you done to your blog? or is some flaw in my computer (the old it's-not-you/it's-me theory)? i have several days of your blogging to read, but every time i open your blog, explorer encounters an error and shuts down. maybe it's your new design theme (which i would like to see more fully but can't because of the whole shutting down thing). please advise.

meet me on the midway

today's new pregnancy symptom: persistent coughing due to congestion caused by swelling of nasal passages in conjunction with the swelling of everything else. but i am not complaining.

*****

we got to see deadbabymama yesterday and get roti for lunch, which i enjoyed greatly but afterwards not at all. my roti just had too much spinach in it, and i ate the whole thing when i could have stopped at a third of it and still been miserably full, but everyone else ate their whole roti in about five seconds flat, and i didn't want to waste all that food and then be hungry five minutes down the road, so i persisted. fortunately, the way the day worked out, we didn't eat dinner until after 9:00 last night, just as i was finally starting to feel the tiniest bit of relief. i have been talking about roti since the last time i had it (last november), but i am over it for a while.

something came up over lunch about the artist formerly known as prince, then an unpronounceable symbol, and then prince again. apparently he lost his son right after birth due to a rare disease or something. deadbabymama of course knew this being prince's greatest fan. when she told us about his son, justin said, oh, i didn't know he was one of us. i found that statement very comforting. prince can feel my pain.

*****

deadbabymama left to fly to new york (i hope she made it - there were floods in toronto and all kinds of airport delays on the news last night) and the rest of us went to the canadian national exposition - sort of a state fair for the whole country, complete with animals, vegetable competitions, international dance shows, fried food of every kind, midway games, rides and booths selling every possible item you could ever need (or not) to buy. it poured rain most of the time we were there, but we strategically ran from building to building to escape the worst of it. the highlights were the rajistani (oh, there's no way i'm spelling that right) dancers and the tiny tom's mini donuts in cinnamon sugar, "made while you LOOK" - and it is a testament to the force of the roti that four hours after i ate it i could still only eat three mini donuts, which are nature's perfect food, truly. i wish i had some more tiny tom's now.

we resisted the urge to buy anything froggy for the tadpole yesterday, mainly since the froggy things we saw were all big and ugly and generally had giant red tongues or giant red eyes. i guess we're going more for cute and cuddly and romanticized as opposed to realistic.

*****

the friends we're visiting are lovely, and their new son ben is lovely, and they are easy to spend time with - we've traveled a little with them before, which is a major compliment, i think. we can talk about hans in their presence and they don't shrink back in horror. they are not afraid to discuss all things baby-related with us (which most of the universe is). but here's what's getting to me: i am tired of ben's mom telling me how pregnancy is going to be. i know she means well, and i'm sure she just is happy, as a new mother, to tell newly-pregnant people what to expect. but i already know what to expect. i have had a full-term pregnancy. i have been through labor and delivery. and i did it all three months ahead of her. at lunch yesterday, she made a couple of comments that made me want to yell big ugly swear words at her. i mean, deadbabymama and i have both had children; we do not need her to help us with our expectations. i could be overreacting; later i will ask deadbabymama how she felt. but i had been getting that vibe from ben's mom for nearly 24 hours already, and at lunch i had reached my breaking point. i know it's easy to forget that i have some experience at this, when i'm not toting a child around with me, but try to remember, okay?

*****

i do not want to go home today. i do not want to return to the disaster left by our frenzied, last-minute packing. i do not want to go back to work and face questions from my co-worker who was convinced i was pregnant before i knew i was and then was on vacation all last week and will be pouncing on me the minute i walk in the door, because i have not told my boss yet and it will get complicated. i do not want to think about the ultrasound on wednesday, which will be the first time i return to the place where i learned hans was dead. i would like to stay on vacation permanently. i need a good trust fund.

in which i promote the frozen wasteland of ottawa

apparently, everyone else in the world knows how great ottawa is (judging by the united nations of fellow tourists) except americans. i just knew ottawa was canada's capital, and it was really freaking cold. but it's a lovely place, full of polite people on bicycles, cheese shops and canals.

on wednesday morning, as we walked off our tim horton's breakfast, we stumbled on a marching parade of soldiers with a band, dressed in beefeater hats and red mountie uniforms (except for the bagpipe players, who wore kilts instead of black trousers). we followed them to the grounds in front of their parliament building and watched (along with about 5000 other people) a 30-minute long exercise that involved much shuffling of rows of soldiers to get straight that looked like a shimmying wave. i'm sure there was symbolism galore, but we didn't know what it was, so it was exceedingly dull. apparently it happens every day, which seems kind of rude (to get people all excited with a marching band and then bore them for so long on a daily basis), but there are worse things, i suppose, and i made up my own stories to make it more entertaining, like that the opposing rows of soldiers aiming at each other were going to turn and shoot the veterans in wheelchairs that were watching from on the field. hey, i didn't say i was making nice stories. next time, we will read up on what exactly is being reenacted so we can properly appreciate it and not have to resort to mental violence.

in the byward market, we found a german shop selling curry ketchup, and we bought two giant bottles. we recently ran out of the bottle we found in an import shop at seattle's pike place market when we were there in march for our post-hans brown-out, and we have been kicking ourselves for only getting one bottle. now we're set for a while.

we ate fresh mini quiches (zucchini and tomato for me, spinach for justin) from a farm stand in the market before riding our bikes across the ottawa river into gatineau, on the quebec side, which had excellent bike paths through greenways next to the river; it looked so much like brugges, in belgium, you'd think someone had copied it intentionally. we took a break from pedalling and sat on a bench overlooking the river and talked about chaos and the randomness of hans's death and i cried into the towel i keep in the saddlebags of my bike for wiping it off when it gets caught in the rain.

we got back to the hotel just before dusk (the most dangerous time of day for cyclists!) and took a leisurely swim in the heated pool (the tadpole's first swim!), then got cleaned up and headed back out on foot for the neighborhood around the byward market, hoping for a little dinner and maybe some live music. despite the fact that ottawa looks and feels like a european city (see aforementioned bicycles, cheeses and canals), it is still mainly a political town, which means it goes to bed early like most american towns. at home, we usually eat dinner between 10:00 and 10:30, which suits us fine in europe once we adjust to the time difference (except for madrid, where 10:00 is embarrassingly early), and we started looking for a place to eat in this very european town about 10:00 only to find that everyone was trying to shoo out the last few relaxed diners. and the only live music on a wednesday night in ottawa started at 8:30. so we decided to settle for pub food and sat down in one of two pubs still open at 10:30, only to find that it was smoke-free (!) and that they had a full menu and not just pub food, all good omens. it seemed to take an awful long time to get our food, especially since in a fake-irish pub you'd think the food would be mostly frozen and/or pre-prepared. and then our food came out and it was amazing and fresh and obviously prepared from scratch while we waited. i had a lovely piece of grilled salmon with lemon butter and spring onion mashed potatoes and crisp-tender asparagus spears and carrot wedges, and only good manners kept me from picking up the plate and licking it off. what a wonderful surprise.

yesterday we drove from ottawa to toronto, stupidly hitting the outskirts of toronto just as rush hour was really starting to percolate. but we made it to our friends' and got to meet baby benjamin, who will be three months next week and looks overwhelming like his father at first look but on second look is a nice blend of both his parents, and then had a beautiful thai/vietnamese dinner in a former convenience store/donut shop. today we will meet up with deadbabymama for roti and who knows what else, and then tomorrow we head home.

i hate that this trip is almost over. but there are some great memories to carry with me. like the woman in brandon, vermont, we saw wearing athletic shorts with "UMASS" across the seat. one could assume that she is an alumnus of the university of massachusetts, sure; or, one could read a little more deeply for the more meaningful message, such as [in a halting, questioning tone], "um, ass?" or [in a dreamy, homer-simpson-on-donuts voice], "um! ass!" another hidden message was found on the sign above the handrail along the steep ramp in front of the crowne plaza in ottawa, which read "PLEASE US HANDRAIL" - one could assume the "e" had falled off the sign, or one could see the greater potential of viewing the sign as a gentle directive: "please us, handrail!" when i told justin that, he suggested i climb on the rail and slide down. i was tempted but decided it was in the tadpole's best interests to keep my my shoes connected to the sidewalk.

and the tadpole seems to be thriving. i am hungry every two hours, and need a nap every day, and have begun to get nauseated when i haven't eaten. plus, my right hand goes tingly when i've been clutching the handlebar of my bike for more than five minutes. it's so awful and thrilling at the same time. i feel terrible! yea - another sign of pregnancy!

a plague of frogs

i can't believe justin cheated and got online while i was in the shower. who knew, back when my mom used to harass me about taking too long in the shower, that there really was a terrible downside to long showers?

it's been a good trip so far, other than getting scalped while simultaneously getting the back of my hair left sort of long and wispy so that it constantly sticks out. (warning: never stop spontaneously in johnstown, new york, to get your hair cut.) miraculously, we have not had a blow out (we have a long and previously-flawless record of having the worst fights ever whenever we take a road trip). of course, we still have half the trip to go.

to bide our time as we meander down rural routes (we're trying to avoid interstates as much as possible), i'm reading sarah vowell's "assasination vacation" aloud. it's a humor-filled look at the assassinations of presidents lincoln, mckinley and garfield, and how we've created historical tourism out of their deaths. seeing as how we've become much more familiar with death of late, and it's a vacation-themed book, it seemed like a good choice for this trip. it has not disappointed. one interesting thing i've learned so far: lincoln's son robert todd lincoln was present at all three assassinations. weird, huh?

we biked and boated and shopped and ate good food in vermont, but best of all we got to visit justin's dad's garden for hans. his dad was in the garden, lighting candles, when we arrived saturday afternoon. the garden is shaded and terraced, but daylight always seems to break through the treetops and illuminate the face of the cherub statue he put there for hans. the cherub is the right one - he looks like we think hans might have looked in another year or so - beautiful.

after we saw the garden, justin asked his dad if he had any spots picked out for his future grandchildren. oh, he didn't know; he just got this spot the way he wants it, and he put off other landscaping plans for this summer to work on hans's garden. so justin asked him if eight months was enough time to plan another spot. the look on his face was priceless.

at one point, yesterday afternoon, as we drove up to stowe to stock up on cider for my brother-in-law's wedding, i looked back and saw my father-in-law nodding off in the back seat, and it crushed me. hans should have been asleep in his seat, next to his grandfather, both of them worn out from entertaining each other.

at an art show in rutland, vermont, we decided to exercise some hope, and we bought a wooden frog ornament for the tadpole (because tadpoles grow up to become frogs). in the children's section at a lovely independent bookstore in brandon, vermont, we bought the tadpole "the secret footprints" by julia alvarez (she spends half the year at nearby middlebury college) and a fun frog clock. and then we realized if we bought every frog thing we see between now and the tadpole's birth, the tadpole will have to be put bottomless out in the yard in a pen, because we will have no money for diapers. i had no idea there was so much frog stuff out there.

today we took the long and winding way to ottawa, ontario, where we found a lovely room awaiting us at the crowne plaza. i think crowne plaza is my new favorite hotel chain, although you can't beat embassy suites' breakfasts. we had a great indian dinner at india palace for about us$30, including two beers for justin and the works. okay, the garlic naan was merely passable - no better than the frozen stuff i buy at trader joe's -but the mushroom palao and matar paneer and vegetable bhaji were outstanding. i'd give the naan a 4, but the meal overall i'd give an 8.5. after dinner we took a walk around downtown and are now in crash mode, but tomorrow we will get our bikes back out of the car and ride to the by ward market here in ottawa and then see where the streets take us. and maybe we'll allow ourselves to buy just ONE frog thing.

Rock-Chester New York

We've made it so far as Rochester, about 5 hours from home; half-way to Vermont. Laura has no idea that I've piggybacked off the hotels internet connection, she's in the shower. This can be our little secret...?

Anyhow, we told somemore friends last night about the tadpole ... Matt and Sarah, Matt being my best friend from about the age of 4. We grew up across the street from each other, always kept in touch, despite our shared recluseness, and as it turns out, we turned up (unknowingly) buying houses across the street from each other. I'm happy with the way that things turned out. They both expressed a fairly happy response to our news - which is wonderful, because most people have been holding back; my brother included. Sean was happy, but it really would have been tough to top his response to the news of Hans; where he nearly jumped three feet into the sky and started singing happy songs to Laura's belly.

Wow, that may be one of my fondest, and there are many, memories of my brother.

Ok, I'm going to try and finish reading the Sparrow, a book which has held my interest for almost a month now. It's actually the first book I've been able to sit through, in entirety, since February. It's been a slow read, I've been processing alot, but I really do hope that finishing this book affords me the opportunity to start reading regularly again.

in which the tadpole participates in "take your child to work day"

my company requires all children coming to the office to be at least seven years old, which of course the tadpole is not yet, but i brought it with me anyway. if they don't like it, they can send the tadpole home. go ahead, make my day.

i'm glad i had the tadpole today. it would have been really depressing to watch everyone in the cafeteria with their kids if i didn't have another one on the way. i did get some sympathy looks, though, from people with their kids, which was kind of icky. i wanted to say, "hey! i don't need your stinkin' pity! in seven years, i'll be bringing my child to work, too!" but of course, i couldn't, so i tried to ignore people. they don't know what i know, anyway. :)

*****

we leave tonight on what was supposed to have been hans's first great american roadtrip and introduction to all important people in north america west of the mississippi. instead it will just be justin and me (and the tadpole, of course!) heading northeast to see justin's dad and hike and bike with him in the green mountains, and then we'll work our way across lower quebec and ontario doing we-don't-know-what-yet. it will probably involve some more biking and some reading and some eating. maybe we'll see a bear. who knows.

*****

justin got an adapter today, so we won't be completely unplugged on our trip, although we won't be wired. the town where justin's dad lives does not get cable, and i am very certain there are no wi-fi hotspots there. when we leave vermont, i don't anticipate wi-fi access anywhere we might go, at least until the end of the week. so, at least i'll be able to write whatever i want to write; i just won't be able to publish it until i get back a week from sunday. i think that's a good compromise between totally connected and totally disconnected.

*****
and now, a very special message to my fellow bloggers: please refrain from having any major life occurrences while i am unavailable. unless you get pregnant, and you wanted to get pregnant, in which case, i won't stand in your way and i promise to be happy for you upon my return but may still be somewhat sad to have missed your intial news. however, there is a moratorium on all breakdowns, pregnancy losses and negative events of any kind while i am away. kindly adhere to these rules.

the tadpole earns its junior swimmer badge

the tadpole is coming along swimmingly!

i went in when the lab opened this morning at 7:30 to have blood drawn, and as i was walking into my office just before 10:00, my ob called me to tell me that my hcg levels have TRIPLED in 48 hours. woo-hoo! he said it probably means it's very, very early still, but it's a very good sign (and the love-ban can be lifted in just a few days - double woo-hoo!).

i was supposed to call my ob this afternoon, and instead he called me himself, in the midst of a crazy-busy week, as soon as he got the results. and you should have heard the enthusiasm in his voice! i have never heard it before, so it was quite noticeable. he's usually very measured in his tone. how could i not love him? and not just because he's a little bit hot and despite the fact that he wears ugly, two-toned, suede boat shoes.

now we get to go on vacation with much, much less worry packed in the back (leaving more room for our bikes). but vacation will be tough because we will be totally unplugged. i'm looking forward to peace and quiet, but unplugged??? i'm starting to panic.

how to deal

i got up an hour early and went to the hospital to have more blood drawn. now i have to wait until this afternoon to call the ob for the results. please let the tadpole be percolating. and not ectopic.

we've been talking about what happens if i miscarry. we need to be prepared - just from my age alone there's a 1 in 3 chance, never mind other risk factors. there's no way i can know how i would deal with it, but i'm pretty sure i could survive it. i might be sad, or angry, or things i can't even imagine, but if the tadpole can't make it, i'd rather miscarry now than carry it to term again. that was one of the things i was very angry about at one point after i lost hans - if he couldn't live, then why didn't i miscarry? why did i have to carry him to term and get so attached? plus, if i had miscarried, i could have been well on my way with another pregnancy by now!

but now, it's just more of a question in my mind than it is inspiration for anger, i think because i've chosen to embrace the joy i knew as hans's mom. he gave me so much of it.

so if i did miscarry, i think all i've experienced with hans would leave me better equipped to deal with it, and i could try to get pregnant again a lot sooner than with a late loss. and i'm reassured by our ability to conceive immediately, not once, but twice. and maybe three times.

in february of 2001, we had been together a little less than a year. i had been stomping around scotland and was on my way home. justin was leaving for belize early the next morning. so i flew into houston instead of newark, and justin met me in houston, and we had that one night together before he flew on to belize city the next morning and i went on to jacksonville.

i can't remember why i was off the pill then, but i was, so we were using stupid baggie condoms, and we discovered - too late - that one had ripped. at that point in my life, it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened. i was 31, and i knew i wanted to have children with justin. but it was too early in our relationship. justin was still so young, and he hadn't yet figured out that he wanted to grow old with me, and it just wasn't right.

i remember running a hot bath in the hotel bathroom and sitting in it for a long time and crying. i don't have any science to back it up (other than to look back now and say, clearly, either i'm alarmingly, 16-yr-old in the back of a car fertile or justin has olympic-calibre swimmers, or both, and every time we get together without birth control, conception happens), but i just had a feeling that something was happening. hey, a mother knows. :)

justin climbed in the tub with me eventually, and we cried together, and then we figured out our plans. we flew out the next morning, and i called my then-doctor from the airport and asked for her to prescribe the morning-after treatment for me. i picked up the prescription on the way home, and the next day i took a double dose of b/c in the morning and another double dose in the evening. i threw up that night, but that was the end of it.

it was the right thing for me, then, and i rarely think about it. but after hans died, it came back and hit me like a ton of bricks. i was 0 for 2.

i know that if i did conceive than and i had had that child, we probably wouldn't have had hans. it's not that i would trade one child for the other, but hans was the right child at the right time. the child we wanted, more than anything. if we had had that maybe-first child, who knows what would have happened, but we might not be together now.

but we are together, and now we have the tadpole. we can handle whatever comes next.

more reasons to be hopeful

i may not be nauseated, but i am crazy tired and hungry and, dare i say it, i think i've got me some glow. but i also have my own unique sign-o-pregnancy: armpits that smell like onions.

they are rank. unshowered late-adolescent male rank. middle-aged french man with moustache crowded next to you on the subway rank. neglected nursing home resident rank. call in the environmental protection agency guys in their hazmat suits rank. i can hardly stand myself.

the same thing happened to me with hans. in fact, the sudden development of swamp-pits was the first sign that something was percolating, so i take encouragement from it now. before it happened, i had always been one of those odorless people, so it's pretty startling. i can't find anything in any of the literature about developing - i can't bring myself to say it - and in fact, women who commonly have, you know, often lose it when they become pregnant because of something hormonal but i can't remember exactly what. but i talked to my ob about it last time, and while it's unusual, it's a reasonable symptom of the changes in my body, so i'm going with it.

and if this child lives and is healthy, i don't care how stinky i had to get to make it happen.

in which i reveal one of my adolescent scars

there is really a little tadpole inside of me. how unreal is that??? i'm thinking of the embryo now as a tadpole because we're kind of going with an aquatic theme. if it's a girl, her initials will be GIL, which is a good name for a fish (gil > gill - get it? yeah, it's corny.) and is what we will call this baby...soon. maybe after we've had the ultrasound and actually seen something there. until then, it's a tadpole to me.

*****
david wished us a "love-filled vacation". ha! that's the very thing the ob said we couldn't have, which just bites, because i really like hotels. plus, we'll be camping a few nights. in a tent. under the stars. it's just not fair. there are no other restrictions. i can ride my bike and hike all over the mountains in vermont. you would think if anything was restricted, it would be those activities. but, no, you would be wrong.

*****
i would like for the cramping to stop. it is annoying and scary. i'm trying to be positive, because there's no spotting. and other than the cramping, i feel very positive. i met kath and charlie (who is trying to get verbal!) at bela dubby's last night, and she asked me how i was, you know, doing with everything, and i was able to honestly tell her i'm doing pretty well. i do feel positive, and happy, mostly.

the part of me that is still sad is mostly sad because hans is not here for this next step. he will not know his brother or sister, and he or she will not know hans. i want to be one of those creepy people holding their missing loved one's urn in their lap for the family portrait. maybe one day we'll take a holiday picture for a card (as if we would ever get christmas cards sent - ha!) and we'll put a tiny santa hat on hans's box and hold him in the frame. i am both tremendously repelled and tremendously attracted to that idea at the same time. i am becoming creepy. tim burton's aesthetic is starting to make much more sense. ew.

i hope i don't scar the tadpole with my creepiness.

this rumination reminds me that a group of boys in my high school health class used to call me "morticia" - which is weird, because it wasn't like i was some ostracized alterna-teen; i was scarily preppy and rah-rah. i had a wardrobe of button-down shirts and sweater vests and plaid wool skirts. but i was very pale and most-likely-to-succeed focused, which could be construed as somber, i suppose. that's all i can come up with.

it used to burn me up that every time i walked into the classroom, they would all get stone-faced and cross their arms in front of them and make two fingersnaps over each shoulder. the health teacher, who told us her personal stories about dealing with crabs and herpes, laughed heartily whenever they did it, which really didn't help. now, it seems kind of funny, maybe because it finally makes sense, given that my hair is usually dyed black these days and i have a much closer relationship with death.

the fact that it is funny now, however, does not grant anyone permission to start calling me morticia.

the post i've been dying to make

so yeah, i'm pregnant. i'm pregnant!!! it's true. hans is going to have a little brother or sister!

i hope my bloggy babies will understand that i could not risk the family lurkers reading it here before i called them. although, it would have been lovely punishment for them to have read it here and not been able to say anything until i told them, don't you think?

i am happy but i'm also so incredibly relieved. i thought my cycles were all out of wack because i was four days late, then had a weird, 24-hour period, then nothing all week. a week ago saturday, when i was three days late, i took a test, and got nothing. i was convinced that grief or anxiety or old age was messing with my ovaries.

when i got up saturday to give going to the bathroom another go, i was convinced i was just going to be proving that i could responsibly drink all day at the wedding. and then the second line started to show up. it was faint, to be sure, and it wasn't really the whole line; it was more like two-thirds of a line. but it was definitely there.

that faint two-thirds of a line did not give justin great confidence at first. he kept asking me about it, and he finally got the insert from the box and compared the test with the three different positive examples on it and was sort of convinced. i did the second test sunday morning(more strongly, boldly positive), and then i put it on his bedside table so when he's not quite sure it's real, he can look at it and know.

this wasn't supposed to happen in july. we didn't use the last condom until what should have been 8 days before my next cycle, and then it was a few days before we threw a mixer for my girls and his boys, and even then it was kind of a tease for his boys, because i thought my girls had already stopped in, said, "this place is dead!", and left. so either i suck at scheduling or my cycles really are out of wack, but it doesn't matter now, because i'm pregnant and the timing is fine and i'm in good health for it and we want this child.

i don't understand why it's happened like this, both times. how can i be so alarmingly fertile when so many other people try and try and try and keep banging their heads against the wall? (ooo. unfortunate and unintentional pun.) it seems like fertility should be spread around evenly, like the distribution was planned by socialists. i don't know why we have been so lucky, but i am ever so grateful for the fact that the pain of infertility has not been added to the pain of the loss of hans.

i have had a couple of rounds of weird cramping, but the cramps have been very high, much higher than where my uterus is at this point, and i haven't had any spotting since the cramping, so i'm feeling positive. at this point last time, i was already threatening miscarriage, which is a weird phrase, isn't it? maybe it should be "miscarriage was threatening me". i mean, it's not like i was walking around warning people that if they didn't do my bidding i was going to miscarry on them.

but i digress. the point is that i'm feeling pretty good. i haven't had any spotting in several days. i haven't had any morning sickness yet (i had it my ENTIRE pregnancy with hans). and it just feels different than it felt with hans. the odds are in my favor. the stars are aligned. or maybe it's the shuttle and the moon that are aligned (thanks, jill). whatever. you get the idea.

my dr would prefer that i had a little nausea, frankly, but is pleased the spotting has stopped and the cramping is waning. he did bloodwork today and will again on thursday to make sure my hcg levels are doubling, and then if all goes well, we'll do an ultrasound in two weeks when we get back from vacation and try to figure out exactly how old this embryo is.

i cannot stop smiling. :)

finally, hope

i just watched the shuttle land, and i can't stop blubbering. i'm taking it as a sign of hope for my future, too.

the monday update

thank you to everyone who responded so nicely and patiently to my early morning post yesterday. justin pointed out that i may have been a bit short with people who genuinely care, and for that i am sorry. i'm a little edgy. i'm trying not to be. but i am a little bit. i don't know what i would do without my core (or maybe "corps" would be more apt!) of fellow bloggers. you mean the world to me.

i need to go home and exfoliate so the dr doesn't mistake my sunless tanner streaks for bruises. i don't want him to look at my blotchy legs and ask justin to wait outside. i hated the time when the medical staff took me in and made justin wait because they had to give me the opportunity to tell them if i was being abused - i mean, it's good they do it - there are so many abused women that need a safe haven - but it was annoying when i was freaking out that something was wrong with hans and just wanted justin - who was freaking out, too - with me! i think they're just not used to the sort of husband that comes to every appointment so he can freak out on anyone who comes near his beloved wife with anything made of latex.

my dr did very kindly call me back personally and offer to work me in tomorrow, after his secretary told me he is way-overbooked all week and could probably only order some tests now and then would see me when i got back (two weeks from today) from vermont and quebec and ontario. this is why i am staying with my dr.

well, that, and the fact that he's slightly hot.

a clarification

for those of you with active imaginations, let me just clarify that, three posts back, when i said, "oh, and i'm naked" - i meant in my mental image of my mental state (as in naked and hanging from by one finger from dental floss between two buildings), NOT that i was naked as i was writing the post. not that i'm always wearing a three-piece suit when i write. but as a rule, i'm clothed, as the laptop gets a little warm and uncomfortable directly against skin. not that it's any of your business. i mean, i do hope we provide a full-service blog, but not that kind of service.

one foot in front of the other

this morning justin and i got egg and cheese bagels and iced chai from lucky's and sat in the car around the corner from the parkview to eat, because from there we can see the lake and all of downtown at once and it's green and it's just a hopeful vista. this american life was on the radio, and we listened to jonathan goldstein interview his dad on manliness, and another woman whose husband has a debilitating disease told about how she has kept him alive as he was before their son (now 10) could remember him. justin has always had a bit of a soft spot for father/son stories, but these two - especially the second one - did us both in. i was thankful lucky gave us big, soft absorbent napkins, the dinner kind, not the cocktail kind you get with just a drink. (if you don't get the show on your local npr station or have already missed it, it will be available on real audio sometime this week. click on this link and look for the "image makers" story and then click on the audio link. it is so worth listening to, especially if you could use a good cry. the first story, about a librarian having a lock-in featuring an indie band to attract teens, was good, too, although we missed the second half of it while we were in lucky's, ordering.)

after i took justin to work, i went to see "must love dogs", because i needed to chill out, and because despite bad reviews i find both diane lane and john cusack immensely watchable. perhaps because i had such low expectations, it wasn't bad. there were some really funny lines, even if the overall story was kind of blegh.

at one point, john cusack's character says something like, i believe when our hearts get broken, the universe allows them to grow back bigger. of course, it was said when he was trying to get it on with diane lane, but i like to think there's some truth to that statement. the time i had with hans, growing inside me, and then his death - it's given me a greater capacity for joy. i'm really grateful for that.

i had a talk with him in the car. i told him that no matter what happens, he'll always be my firstborn. my beloved. and then i cried my eyes out. i still want him back. i will always want him back.

take a deep breath with me now

wow - either i have made some beautiful friends in bloglandia, or some people need to get hobbies.

truly, i didn't mean to leave anyone hanging. i've been out at this all day wedding, which was lovely, by the way, thanks for asking. i'll see tomorrow if any of my pics came out and maybe post some and maybe write a bit about it.

here's the deal: i can't drive myself crazy with testing every hour (or four) on the hour. i am choosing to not drive myself crazy. i'm calling my doctor at the crack of 8 on monday and making an appointment and we will sort everything out. i will beg and plead and tell his secretary i'm having severe uterine prolapse or something ominous sounding so i can get in right away. but i cannot *live* am-i-pregnant-or-is-something-wrong??? all the time every day.

being pregnant with hans was a perpetual roller coaster. i was a basket case 24/7/40. i nearly lost my mind. i need the next time around to be less anxiety-filled than the first. i know it's a lofty goal, to think i could experience less worry rather than more in light of hans's stillbirth. but i have to try to stay off the roller coaster, and it has to start now, now that the goalie's been benched. it is incredibly important to me, and to my mental health.

so i'm going to sleep in, and then i'm going to have a nice brunch with justin. after i take him to work, i'm going to see a movie and get groceries and clean up the whirlwind debris-like mess that is my house. i'm going to do tons of yoga. i'm going to go back to work on monday and inwardly swear at my despised co-worker as usual. i'm going to start getting things together for our car/camping trip on which we're embarking on friday. i'm going to keep doing what i've been doing and i'm going to *not worry*. at least i'm going to try. hang in there with me.

in which i demonstrate how big a dork i am

justin picked me up from work last evening and we went to sokolowski's, an old-school polish place that's crazy-packed on friday nights for the fish fry. we ate plates of buttery pierogies and cucumbers in dill dressing before swinging by walgreens to pick up a pg test. i brought the walgreens bag in the house, dropped it on the couch, and got ready to go to our friends' pre-wedding reception.

we had a lovely evening, sipping champagne and eating tiny sweets (my favorite was a tiny sandwich of frothy buttercream icing between two shortbread shell-shaped cookies - divine), chatting with the groom's friends from birmingham, england, a few of which are staying in our carriage house, all of whom are delightful, and enjoying the breeze and (finally) moderate temperature and twinkly lights of the little side street where the coffee shop hosting our event and three other restaurants/bars have tables and chairs slung across the wide sidewalks on either side of a narrow, original brick alley.

we got in a little after 1:00, and i gleefully turned off the alarm clock and went immediately to sleep.

a little after 8:00, i woke up from the shouts of protest my bladder was making, and i jumped up and went to the bathroom. as the last drops hit the water, it occurred to me. i was supposed to take the test. the test was still downstairs. doh!!!!

i am trying to make the best of it. i put some frozen mushroom turnovers in the over for our breakfast, and i poured us big glasses of orange juice and chocolate silk, and i brought it all upstairs for breakfast in bed. but i still can't pee. and when i do, if the test is negative, i won't be sure, because it won't be the first pee of the morning.

in the overall scheme of things, this is nothing more than a tempest in a teapot. but i have felt for days like i'm suspended in mid-air, one finger hooked around dental floss strong between two high-rise buildings. oh, and i'm naked, just in case i didn't already feel completely vulnerable enough. i need some resolution.

blahgger central

i just haven't felt like writing all week, but i feel like i need to make myself type something to stay in the habit. i think my magic disappearing post was kind of discouraging, but i'm pretty blahed out anyway. my cycles are messed up, which is not like me, and i can't bear the thought that after everything with hans i would now suddenly have anything weird going on, so i need to stay numb and not think. i got sushi (cooked and veggie only, just in case of...whatever) on the way home and crawled in bed and have been alternating between crap tv and last week's new yorker and now justin has gotten home and i'm going to zone out completely. only, please let me either be pregnant or just be okay.

nineteen more pointless funerals

In three days, 19 Ohio Marines have been killed in Iraq. Their Battalion was based in Brookpark, Ohio - 10 miles from our home, the city where I sit as I type this from the airport. I'm without words. These are the names that have been released.

Lance Cpl. Timothy Michael Bell Jr.

Cpl. Jeff Boskovitch

Lance Cpl. Michael Cifuentes

Marine Capt. David Coullard

Lance Cpl. Daniel Nathan Deyarmin Jr.

Lance Cpl. Brian Montgomery

Sgt. Nathaniel Rock

Lance Cpl. Edward Schroeder

Lance Cpl. Brett Wightman

bicycle bicycle - I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike

Yeah, RTA have started accepting two bikes per train and have extended their bike acceptance hours for all but 2 or 3 'rushhours' throughout the day, so I'm going to start riding my bike to the transit station.

I'll probably sweat like a fat kid in my blue airline chimp suit, but it'll afford me an extra fifteen minutes of goofin' off before work, and will perhaps let me blow off some steam after work as I ride home instead of hitching a ride from the corner from Laura.

I lash out a lot

It's not something that I'm proud of, infact, it's downright embarrassing. Intellectually, I'm a pacifist, and that's how I strive to live my life, however, there's an awful lot of anger in me and that anger manifests itself in potentially violent outburst, mostly directed at inanimate objects. Have a look at our living room floorboard, should you doubt my sincerity in any of this - I nearly jumped a hole straight through to the basement as I argued with one of the utility drones on the phone.

Anyhow, Laura and I were discussing this somewhat earlier. Well, truth be told, we were discussing matters at hand, and my anger and frustration were seeping though. The entire conversation was taking place via email, mostly because we were both at work, and shouldn't have been having that conversation, either by voice or by email, but alas, it seemed to be the most pressing matter in the world, at that particular moment, so I pressed forward. I'm sure Laura was not thrilled.

Gmail has this interesting, I use that term loosely, feature that picks up key words within your correspondence and in turn, offers up sponsored links. This 'gem' popped up, brought to us by the fine people at peace - of - mind: "Desperate? See how you can save a hopeless situation. peace - of - mind.net

It's all a bit loopy, but hey, is gmail trying to tell me something?

i've been robbed!

the post - the one that's been simmering for days, the one in which i show you, dear reader, my wounds, the one i actually spent a little time writing - has been removed. or maybe it left on its own - maybe it was tired of all the melodrama around here, tired of being parked in the garage of sadness. well, it's not up to the post - it belongs to me. and i want it back.

well, that, and hans.

à la vie !

Well, the most recent reports are stating that all customers aboard the Air France flight that went down at Toronto airport have survived. Initial reports looked gruesome, so this is fantastic news.

Shaken, certainly, but many counting whichever blessings they count, undoubtably.

Nice work on the emergency response, and especially the flight crew on bringing that aircraft in with as little impact as possible.

i love the night life

or so it would appear, judging from my failure to be in bed before 2 am for the third night in a row.

not that it's really a failing. friday night we were out late buying up old air conditioners, saturday night we were enjoying the after party for the opening night of "the merry wives of windsor" with david (who makes an astonishingly fantastic punk, if you can imagine such a thing), and tonight we were working on the carriage house, getting it set up for the rash of company we're having for the next six weeks.

all good things, but i'm tuckered. i don't know if the lack of sleep makes me more vulnerable to grief or if my grief is just contributing to my tiredness. i just want hans back. and i want some sleep.

happy 1st day of august.