what i meant to say was...

doh! i forgot to turn the alarm clock off last night, so i've been awake since the normal time, which is crappy since i didn't get to sleep until 2:30 or so. when i got home yesterday, we worked in the yard until we were disgusting and had filled two large trash cans with weeds and other unwanted plant material, which is weird since our yard is only this big. after we got cleaned up, we went for a late dinner at siam cafe, where i finally figured out which chinese characters make up the shrimp tempura and broccoli and caramelized pecans and mayo (!) dish that my taiwanese friend candice would order for me but was not available on the honky menu. about 11:30, we pulled into greg and dyan's and ate lemon cake and drank beer with them while they took a break from getting ready for their garage sale today, and then we took home two window a/c units (for our carriage house), a window exhaust fan (for our downstairs bathroom), a pastry board, some fun plastic dishes for the carriage house kitchen, and a just-right-for-just-us espresso machine. so much for trying to focus on getting rid of stuff around here.

since i woke up so f'ing early, we laid in bed and watched two more episodes of six feet under, including the infamous-among-parents-like-us episode where gabe's little brother dies and billy riffs on what's wrong with our culture's treatment of dead children (like it's some kind of parenting failure and/or a *very special event*) and brenda quotes the "what's the word for the parents of a dead child?" line. i love this show. it is the funniest thing on tv. after craig ferguson. when he's off, he's so, so far off, but when he's on, he's the best. okay, this example is not representative of the funny parts, but there are many. if you don't watch it, you should. it *IS* the funniest show on tv. trust me.

i am now perched on the side of the tub, letting my sunless tanner dry while i read the sparknotes on the merry wives of windsor. i frequently find there are weird holes in my education, which i attribute to the fact that i've moved so much and been in so many different school districts and colleges that i never had a coherent, continuous curriculum. merry wives is in one of those holes, so i needed to brush up before we go see calvin's dad, david, in it tonight. he has very kindly given us his tickets for opening night, including the after party, so justin is actually shaving his face and i am actually shaving my legs - big events.

and i have recited my schedule for the last 24 hours because i can't write what i need to write - about how much i miss hans. i don't have the words for that, so these will have to do for now.

random internet johannes'

Johannes the Ghost

Here is one of the many ghost stories my grandparents told me.

From: Chris Laursen (advance@kootenay.awinc.com)

Story type: Ghost

Location: Denmark

Source: Form Submission

Here is one the "ghost" stories my Danish grandparents told me. It was a genuine phenomena which followed them whereever they lived in Denmark. A type of wardrobe made a constant knocking sound, as if someone were rapping it with their fist. The sound persisted regularly and my grandparents fonding called the phenomena "Johannes The Ghost."

No matter where they moved to in Denmark, the knowing would persist. They lived many places, and the knocking would follow them in this wardrobe. It was only when my grandparents immigrated to Canada that the knocking finally ceased. My grandmother used to laugh and tell me, "You know what they say. Ghosts can't cross over water." The wardrobe and their other belongings were shipped by a huge crate after they had moved to Canada.

I find it hard to explain this as being a poltergeist, one of the more common explanations given to "rappings" and "knockings". After all, both my mom and her brother had moved from Denmark to Canada in their early 20s, yet the knockings continued after they left. Besides, most poltergeists are temporary phenomenom which usually don't last for many, many years according to case studies I have read.

No matter what "Johannes" really was, it still remains a good story. And a true one. (The origin of the name "Johannes" was more or less a joking title to give the knockings.)

From Wirenot.net

BANG BANG - there goes the neighborhood

Well - it started out as a pretty nice, calm, relaxing evening.

We each had had a few drinks, some sushi, and had just watched the last episode of Six Feet Under, which needed to be taken back to the store by midnight.

We then heard a huge BOOM BOOM outside - huh? The sounds of lights turning on, doors opening up and down the street and a few 'what the fucks?' and 'ey carajos' filled the neighborhood. Startled, we decided that we'd both walk on down the street to the video store, and check out what was going on. Nothing much, down the street, beyond a white sheep dog scaring the living shit out of us as it jumped from behind a cloud of darkness.

On the way back home, two cop cars breezed by, asking us from their window if we'd seen anyone running past. Our first instinct was to say, 'yeah, we saw them running away' - but we hadn't, and from the tone in his voice, this wasn't a time to be fecking around - so we responded honestly by telling him "no".

A few neighbors where sitting on their porch stoops, an older Puerto Rican couple said something about a gun - I wasn't coherant enough to really comprehend their rapid spanish completely, but I caught the gist of it: "4 guys, gunshot, nobody shot, just a shot in the air" - I confirmed with a young woman who had just spoken with the cops herself - there'd been four guys walking down the street, nothing uncommon, they arrived at the corner and randomly decided to shoot the gun into the air - no fight, no apparent gangsta nonsense, just a couple of punks shooting a gun for fun - or so I hope the story really goes. Atleast one of them was in custody of the cops, the thug who'd shot the gun.

Well, atleast the cops will be around a bunch for the next few days. I've seen them about twice since.

I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so

OK. Quick post, as I'm sending off my last memo of the work week.

Laura is waiting outside for me, sushi, tempora, and other things adult beverage related in hand .... If she's wearing 'roose socks' I might just loose it! Yum.

Have a nice weekend.

Han's Habana Night

We're trying to raise a fairly substantial amount of money (well, for us it's substantial) for a memorial scholarship fund in my son's memory. Thanks to friends and family we've reached about the half-way point to setting up the trust.

I'm currently at a dead end as to how to raise further funds. Grant opportunities await us, as soon as we establish the initial fund with the funds administation organization, but getting to that point isn't going to be easy.

We're thinking of hosting an annual party around the time of his birthday, February. First as a way of generating enough funds to get the fund started, and later to build some investment (and more awarded scholarships). Not to mention, we want his birthday to not only be a depressing ass day for us, but a celebration of him, and of the joy that he brought us both.

We're thinking of all the people that I know that might be able to offer some sort of assistance on this; bands, dj's, local resteraunters, a few politicians or property owners - and it seems that I could probably put together a fairly decent 'Havana Night', utilizing a really good salsa band and a brilliant dj friend.

Getting them will be no problem, but securing a venue and deciding whether or not to make it a full out dinner dance vs just a music event is what stumps me. First off, would I be better off simply doing a cheaper night club type event - where many people will come, but cost will be low (I'd probably take the door from a night club, and maybe a cut from the bar) or would it be a better idea to swank out the whole evening, offering up dinner, drinks, dancing, a real event - good times, with fairly substantial cover charge.

With that option, I'd have to find a venue that I could rent out, and the logistics of dining, drinking and dancing would have to be worked out - I'd hope that the people that know people in the neighborhood could help me in securing some permit, or help with security and such.

Anyhow, I guess I'm just typing this out to get an idea in my head of what i'd really like to do, but your feedback is great - what would you be more willing to attend for a benefit type event: a cheap evening where you could give a larger donation, should you be interested in doing so or a full on evening event where you'd be giving a larger chunk to the cause.

For anyone who has done any charity work or fundraising, which sorts of events have been the most beneficial to you?

my first breakdown at work since april!

you know those signs that advertise "423 days since our last accident ~ making safety our priority!" or something similarly propaganda-ish and probably fudged? i should get one for my desk: "X days since last breakdown". today i would have to reset it to zero.

all at once this morning, i was back on the ultrasound table, yelling, nonononononono, and justin was rubbing his face against my belly, and it was horrific. i sat at my desk and cried. then when people started to ask me if i was okay (the bastards), i grabbed my cellphone and security swipe card and ran outside; i couldn't get through to justin, who was in the shower, but i got to cry some and then get myself together enough to come back to the office.

when it happened, i was looking at pictures from a co-worker's trip to cambodia. he visited the museum made out of the building where the khmer rouge interrogated and tortured and killed people, and the (in)famous picture of the electrocuted man on the metal bed frame kept coming up - in a display, on a postcard - and i think it just flipped my horror switch.

i have felt physically ill ever since. i don't know if it was the electrocution pictures or the memories. maybe it's a little of both.

it has occurred to me this afternoon that i have not just lost hans - i've lost his children. i've lost the person he would have loved enough to spend the rest of his life with. i didn't think the loss could get any bigger. i had planned to go home tonight and make a nice broccoli casserole and maybe strawberry shortcake, but now i have no appetite.

justin: could i interest you in getting good and messed up tonight?

yeah, right

i'm all for turning off the tv. but a week without my computer? it ain't gonna happen.

my name is laura l, and i'm a net junkie.

*****

according to wired magazine, :) is expired and ^_^ is tired, but E] is wired. wtf does that mean? i keep looking at E] and i can't make anything out of it. am i just dumb?

and then she lost a little more of her mind

to add to the list of symptoms of my fake pregnancy:

1. my belly is definitely getting bigger.
2. if i press on it, underneath the baby-flab, it's really hard.
3. it's the 27th, the day my last two cycles have started, but nothing is happening.

i even wore white pants today, which should have guaranteed that i would bleed profusely. nothing.

we did not pull the goalie until several days after i last ovulated. and anyway, this has been going on for weeks. with all the multiple layers of birth control we've been using, the only way i would be pregnant would be through divine insemination. and i am no virgin mary; no god is picking me for such a task.

this is tiring. i'm sure you're tired of hearing about it, too.

to distract myself, i invited kath over, and she brought charlie, who played with my green plastic cup while we chatted. when she left to put charlie to bed, i made a gigantic mexican pizza, which is kind of a disaster because i stretched the crust too thin and loaded too many toppings on it plus some of the toppings sweated too much, so anything inside the outer two inches of the crust is a soggy mess. i also made lime curd bars, which are coming out of the oven in about 30 seconds and will hopefully be more successful than the pizza.

but i'm still thinking about it.

on a positive note, i won't be thinking about it much longer, since i'm just about out of mind to lose over it.

phew!

I'm absolutely exhausted.

I've been stuck at work late most every night this entire summer. No longer the bored, under utilyzed, office slacker - I'm neck deep in slack-ass karma.

I just need some rest, and for this to all be over - Laura's at home at the moment, fixing up a nice meal for the both of us. It'll be nice to sit down, together, for a meal. Even if it's 1130pm when we say cheers.

Ching ching.

this just blows

lorem ipsum is losing another wanted child. how can this be? why why why why why? this morning, i was thinking to myself, she's on the table right now! and i was sending all kinds of good things her way, but what she was receiving was bad news.

it seems kind of silly - we've never met in person. but she has become a friend. if she lived here, i would be going home now to cook for them, but i feel helpless in blogland. i'm sure what i'm feeling is zero compared to what she's feeling, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

Hans Island

Hans Island is a small uninhabited barren knoll smaller than my bedroom, it's situated in the centre of the Kennedy Channel of Nares Strait (a place that few of us have any business being), the strait that separates Ellesmere Island and Northern Greenland and that connects Baffin Bay with the Arctic Sea. It is the smallest of three islands located in Kennedy Channel.

Canada and Danmark dispute who Hans Island belongs to.

Last week, Canadian soldiers, and Canada's Defence Minster, landed on Hans Island, placing a Canadian flag. A symbolic gesture. The Danes have issued a formal protest. It's like las Malvinas.

Except, there are no fuzzy sweaters on Hans Island, or no people.

I didn't name my son Falkland either.

wherein vanity gets the better of me

if i don't get blown off the road, and if all the walk-in hair places haven't given up early and gone home because of the weather, i'm going to go get my hair cut.

i don't want to go anywhere i'd be known. that's the thing about these consumer commerce relationships - you get just friendly enough with people to talk about being pregnant, but not so close as to want to have to answer questions when it all goes down the toilet. i think that's one reason why i love trader joe's so much; i never went there while i was pregnant, so i don't have to endure any gawking.

my hair has not been cut since the day before hans's memorial service, partly because of wanting anonymity, partly because that last haircut (also anonymous) was also a scalping. literally. the longest piece of hair on my head was about an inch and a half; most of it was less than half an inch. but it finally looks bedraggled enough to motivate me to walk into yet another salon and try my luck.

i miss my old hairdresser. but not enough to go back.

i think i'm losing my mind

i'm still having weird pregnancy symptoms. i swear that my belly and boobs are getting bigger, even though the scale says i weigh exactly what i've weighed for the last three months - which is exactly what it was like when i was pregnant with hans. i'm filling out the pouch on the jeans that looked like a penis, for pete's sake. and i feel weird things like fetal kicks. and i'm overwhelmingly tired.

and my hoo-ha is downright gelatinous.

not that you wanted to know that.

the thing is, i'm NOT pregnant, not yet at least, and so it's making me insane. i reeeeeeeeally need it to stop. i want to focus on my next, REAL pregnancy - not some imaginary one.

also making me crazy: why is david letterman STILL wearing white socks every night?

my soundtrack notes

Inspired by Laura, who has suggested that I create a post of my own (you should too!), rather than respond to hers, my soundtrack notes, loosely following her template:

when the weather is hot and the sun in shining and i'm driving, particularly on a highway, preferably on a road trip: trans am

when it is raining and no one has to get up and go to work and instead i and my beloved get to stay in bed, etc: rachel's

when the summer day is so long that the sun is still intense at 8:00 in the evening and it makes my heart break with anticipation for something out of reach until i can hardly stand to be in my own skin: konono no 1 congotronics, bedouin soundclash

when i need to feel: gonzalo rubalcaba

when i need to shake shake shake: delta 72, sharon jones and the dap kings

when i want to remember the joy that hans gave me and/or want to feel youthful hope for the future: the futureheads

when we have people for dinner (no more than 6): third person , jablkon & sveceny

when we have parties: orishas, hiphop paris-dakar, willie dixon wang dang doodle

when i'm trying to wake up: the alarm clock, npr drive way moments

when we're playing scrabble or chess: curlew north america

when i need to laugh: atom and his package

when i feel like my heart will break for no particular reason: tom cora it's a brand new day

when i want to pretend i'm still 14: fugazi Repeater

when i want to pretend that i'm still 7, learning to dance with danny dicarlo, in my parents basement: the police syncronicity

when i'm home alone, in my underpants, and i want to play air guitar: drive like jehu

when i'm home alone, playing online or reading by myself: wilco a ghost is born, uz jsme doma

music for particular moments

• when the weather is hot and the sun in shining and i'm driving, particularly on a highway, preferably on a road trip: journey's greatest hits (see also: when i need to get motivated to clean house)
• when it is raining and no one has to get up and go to work and instead i and my beloved get to stay in bed, etc: keith jarrett's the koln concert
• when the summer day is so long that the sun is still intense at 8:00 in the evening and it makes my heart break with anticipation for something out of reach until i can hardly stand to be in my own skin: the yeah yeah yeah's fever to tell
• when i need to feel: elton john's songs from the west coast
• when i want to feel nothing: coldplay's x & y
• when i'm cooking for a party: carole king's tapestry
• when i want to remember the joy that hans gave me and/or want to feel youthful hope for the future: the futureheads
• when we have people for dinner (no more than 6): the dave brubeck quartet's time out and miles davis's sketches of spain, followed by rita lee's bossa 'n beatles for dessert
• when we have parties: michael wolff's intoxicate, the orishas' emigrante, klez! from the klezmer conservatory band; after kath leaves, the beatles' abbey road; for a nightcap, sharon jones and the dap kings' naturally (also good for when justin and i are both home reading)
• when i'm trying to wake up: bright eyes' i'm wide awake, it's morning
• when we're playing scrabble or chess: belle and sebastian's the boy with the arab strap and if you're feeling sinister (because it's easier to strategize to music to which you can sing "tra la la la la")
• when i need to laugh: the red elvises' i wanna see you bellydance or har mar superstar's the handler (jill - if you're up to going out, you should see har mar - he will make you feel better, i promise - he's in sydney and melbourne this week)
• when i feel like my heart will break for no particular reason: charlie haden's nocturne and vince gill's high lonesome sound
• when i want to pretend i'm still 14: the police's synchronicity
• when i'm home alone, playing online or reading by myself: moulin rouge and moulin rouge 2 from the 2001 movie
• when our parents come to visit: the kinks' backtrackin', vol. 1
• when zelda comes to visit: dan zanes and friends' family dance

so what's your soundtrack?

Gerber, Enfamil, American Baby, those that profit greatly at living babies existance

We've all had our own horror stories with them. They just don't seem to give a shit that our children are dead, and why should they? Our kids won't be enjoying their snazzy products. So they, lazily, keep us on their mailing lists, disregarding the fact that some of us may have called them, explaining our situation and asking to be removed from the list.

I know they've all heard it before, but these fuckers are so keen on telling all of us how our children should be progressing, what they should be eating and most importantly, which of their products they should be consuming - it would only be fair of each and every one of us, perhaps as a group, to send them a photo/scrap book of our children 'enjoying' their products.

It may seem morbid, to parents of living babies, and those that profit grossly at their existance, but hey, maybe a picture of Hans' box sitting next to a can of Enfamil, or wearing a diaper, or sitting ontop of an edition of American Baby would get the point across.

Goodness knows, the phone calls haven't sunk in.

Are you with me?

finally! the indians win! take that, seattle!

i've entered an exciting new phase. it may look like my old anger, but it's new and improved all temperature anger! this anger is more outward-focused than inward. i feel like a bulldozer. watch out.

*****

i had a great day at jacobs field, despite the heat and the fact that the catered picnic offered hot dogs, burgers, chicken and pasta salad, so i ate tomatoes and cheese on hot dog buns. i was not the oldest person in our group! okay, i was second oldest, but still. and there were at least four of us over the age of 30; it might have been five or six, but i didn't go around asking everyone's age. besides being a nice day, it will make my brother-in-law's labor-day-weekend wedding easier, because i will now know many more people.

i've been dreading the wedding a bit, because i spent nine months planning how great the wedding would be with hans. my mom gave me my brother's old sailor suit, which would have been just about the right size for hans at that point, and i couldn't wait to put him in it. justin was horrified by it, as were a number of other people, but justin's brother thought it was fantastic. maybe he was just being nice, or maybe he thought it would give him something about which to harass his nephew when he grew up. either way.

at six months and a little, hans would have been nicely interactive, and everyone would have wanted to pick him up and pass him around and generally fuss over him, and i couldn't wait for it. hans deserved that adoration, and i'm sad that he won't get it. i'm not in the wedding and don't have any responsibilities and i will be kind of at loose ends. i've never needed a child as an accessory; it's just that i was really invested in what a great coming out it would be for hans. instead, it will be six or so hours of great-aunts and second cousins asking me if we're trying again. ick.

*****

you can ignore the headline of this post. i couldn't care less. i just couldn't come up with anything pithy or twisted enough. maybe i'll get some baseball-related hits. i'm sure the blog topic will freak those people out. i feel angry enough to like that it will make them uncomfortable.

saturday in the (ball)park

i got another one of those helpful e-mails for new parents this week, full of fun articles about things like why my baby doesn't want to sit up yet. i don't know what they're talking about. my baby has been sitting on the shelf for four months and hasn't once tipped over.

in yesterday's mail i had a package from pampers, including a stage three diaper, a tropical-something scented wipe and a disposable bib. i suppose i could use the bib the next time i eat something with barbecue sauce, and an individually-packaged wipe is always handy, baby or no. but the diaper - it seems so pointless. which reminds me to ask - does anyone know if diapers have a shelf life? i had stocked up on them when they were on sale, and now i have, oh, several thousand of them around the house. i was going to donate them to a shelter, but i never got around to it, and to be honest i hope to use them before too long - provided they haven't expired.

*****

the drive-in was fabulous. it wasn't too hot, and the mosquitoes were mysteriously absent. maybe they sprayed. in which case, i probably inhaled so many chemicals that any children i produce now will have three heads.

we ate french fries with real fake cheese and watched charlie and the chocolate factory (nyeh - whatever - it was okay - kinda creepy for kids - nice visuals - poor plot), but we left before batman begins began (oooo, that's awkward). it was already midnight, and justin had to get up at seven today to golf with his brother and his brother's groomsmen.

later today, the whole bridal party and their significant others are going to an indians game complete with a catered picnic. i will be old enough to be the mother of one or two of the bridesmaids, but i promise i will have fun anyway. i will not let their youthful skin and non-existent hips and ability to have low risk pregnancies get me down. power to the thirty-somethings!

hot time, summer in the city

i left work early to finally see justin, and he is now...asleep. at 6:23 pm. feel the excitement. i will wake him later, though, to go to the drive-in. there's a double feature of charlie and the chocolate factory and batman begins. maybe we'll neck. or not.

does anyone actually say "neck" any more? it had a stale, airless feel to it even back when i was nine and first read it in the "camp guidelines" i was given to read before i went. because at nine years old, i would have necked all over the place if i hadn't been told it was forbidden. neck neck neck. all i wanted to do was neck.

*****

my mom and maybe my sister and nephew are planning a visit! while my mom and i talked about potential dates on the phone today, she wanted me to promise that if she was here and i was newly pregnant that i would tell her and not leave her in the dark to find out later. why? because she needs to know. because she doesn't like not knowing. what is she, four? that's what i asked her.

apparently, she did not appreciate that i waited last time until she was here to visit (six weeks after conception, eight weeks into the forty) to tell her, or that she found out at the same time as justin's mom. or maybe she was ticked that i told my sister the week before i told her. i do remember her being a little fluffed with my sister that she knew that week and didn't tell her.

i told her that i would tell her the second it was time for her to know something. that did not satisfy her. she wanted to know if i was pregnant now; i asked her to stop asking me that question, because if she kept asking me, at some point she would make me lie and say no, and she wouldn't want to be responsible for that, would she?

she didn't promise not to ask, either, so i guess we're even.

after hans died, justin and i both felt like if and when we conceived another child we would keep it to ourselves for awhile, cherish and hold it close. maybe it relates to that foolish feeling, as though because i didn't produce a living baby, everyone must think i was pretending.

but then, with hans we went public to everyone at seven/nine weeks, and it paid off for us, so to speak, in support. part of me wants to put out a press release the moment i see two lines on the stick. the other part of me is still holding my breath.

tgif

thank you for your kind words about hans. i didn't mean to go compliment-fishing; i just couldn't stop looking at his pictures wednesday night and i didn't know how else to express what i was feeling.

i'm in a better place today. for one thing, i got eight straight hours of sleep - an unheard-of thing for me of late. for another, i slept next to justin; twice this week he has had to stay at the airport all night, and when he is not here after dark, i hear things. i can turn the tv on and not hear those noises, but then the flickering light and noise interrupt my sleep. so it's been a crappy week for sleep.

*****

i picked up justin's grandma and took her to dinner last night. she is 73 but was still working until she was laid off about six weeks ago, and she doesn't drive, so she is always happy to get out of the house. we went to nuevo acapulco and ate seafood burritos and talked about hans, and about justin's cousin who came out a few months ago, and about her husband, who left her 26 years ago (i think, if my math's right). i noticed last night she wasn't wearing her wedding band. when justin and i started dating, it was one of the first things i noticed about her (that she still wore it) and it made me sad.

i love her, and she has always been exceptionally wonderful to me, but i used to be privately critical of her - that she never learned to drive, that she still talked about justin's grandpa like they just divorced last week, that she was religiously judgmental. i don't know about the driving thing, but i've learned she's not really judgmental at all, as evidenced by how she led the way in the extended family accepting justin's gay cousin when his own parents were freaking out. and she told me a little about her husband leaving her that i had never heard, and apparently neither had justin.

in the midst of their separation, justin's grandpa called her and told her his wallet had been stolen, with all his credit cards inside, so not to use any of them. she found it odd that every single card had been stolen, since he usually kept some of them in a box, so she called american express and asked if her husband had called to report the card stolen. they told her he had not, so she said, well, let me do that right now, and proceeded to cancel all of his cards. i had no idea she had that in her.

justin's grandpa is seriously declining, and his much younger wife (who has never been anything but lovely to me but hasn't endeared herself to much of anyone else) has taken a leave of absence to take care of him. maybe the fact that he is finally experiencing some misfortune freed her up to take off the ring and stop playing the wronged wife. i hope so. she deserves a happier life than that one. we all do.

we talked about how much family means to us, and i told her how lucky i was to have such wonderful in-laws who treat me like i was already family. she looked me in the eye and said emphatically that it had more to do with the kind of person i am. that floored me. i suddenly thought about another of justin's cousins, the only other one who has married so far, and realized his wife does not enjoy the same relationship with the family that i do. she is the one whose first child is due on hans's due date, and everyone is happy for her, but i don't sense the same excitement as when we announced that hans was on the way. i think it's to my advantage that i'm older, only five years younger than justin's youngest aunt, so i have more in common with the "adults" in the family. whatever it is, i appreciate it.

as expected, i heard the usual litany of justin-stories. his grandma babysat for him while his parents were at work when he was a toddler, so the canon is large. like the one about justin's uncle, who was in high school at the time, stuffing t-shirts up the back of justin's shirt, and telling him to go tell his grandma he was the hunchback of notre dame; he went to her and announced he was "da hunchback from da udder day." or how he used to say "nepo" all the time, which made no sense to them until the day he said it as he knocked on the door of the toy box his uncle had made for him and painted the word "open" on the door.

last night the new one i heard was about how his grandma and uncle used to pull him around and around the house in a little wagon, and after they had worn themselves out, he would say, "go to burger king!" so they would pull him for another lap and they would pretend to go through the drive-thru at burger king and order. then he would yell, "go to mcdonald's!" and they'd have to do it again. not so much the little vegetarian and anti-globalization activist then, eh?

another time-honored favorite: the time he sadly announced "i cramped" when he had pooped his pants. how could i not love this man????

though they annoy justin, i have always loved hearing these stories, no matter how often i hear them. of late, they mean even more to me, not only because i love justin more than ever, but also because i feel they give me a little insight into what hans might have been like as a toddler. i'll take any insights i can get.

here's hans

i just want him back.

i don't have anything else to say tonight.

random, inane, observations

that's what bloggers do, right?

newspapers should hand out handy-wipes, like at the rib joints, to wipe the newsprint off your fingers when you are done reading.

It sucks when you can't find something, thinking that it might be somewhere else, then turns out to not be there, unable to return to the first place that it might be for hours or days.

that is all.

and now, a public service announcement

i was really excited about this article on pomegranate juice helping to reduce birth defects, although my excitement was slightly dampened when i read at the bottom that the price-gauging people at pom sponsored the study. i've been trying to stick it to the pom people by buying no-label pomegranate juice at trader joe's, but i haven't made it out to suburban hell in a couple of weeks to get it.

a good day to be named "edith"

apparently, when our president announces his choice to fill sandra day o'connor's supreme court seat tonight, edith clement is the likely candidate, and edith hollan jones is next in line. it's not as though i was expecting him to nominate gloria steinem, but come on - surely he doesn't think that just because, like o'connor, they're women and have names that were popular in the middle of the last century that i will overlook their hard right positions. i suppose it was overly optimistic of me to think he might consider someone like o'connor to replace her, someone who approaches the law with a lack of dogma.

it may be a good day for ediths, but it's a bad day for the rest of us.

really needing sleep

saw "wedding crashers" tonight - laugh-out-loud funny, boobiferously raunchy, excellent escapist affair. bypassed my train stop and went to the airport instead to meet justin and go to donte's for pizza; wasn't going to drink but justin offered to drive, and it's probably my last chance to drink in a bar for who knows how long, so made the most of it, and then some. going to pay for it tomorrow.

feeling really ready to get pregnant. there's only one condom left in the box, and it's THE last condom, which might make me want to make it last, but then again, i wouldn't want it to get lonely, all by itself in the box, would i? that would just be cruel. i'm anti-cruelty-to-condoms.

when do you name your child?

I've had this discussion with a few people, and it seems that each and every one of us has a unique opinion. Some are of the opinion of selecting names, some even before conception, of their future children, while others are keen on meeting their child, getting a feeling for her personality, and naming her accordingly.

My opinion differs, as was evident in our naming of Johannes several months before he was born. He always fealt like Hans, acted like Hans, and in the end, I'm grateful that I've always known him as Hans. As he was growing, and developing his 'personality', his name became part of that. Nevermind that with a name such as this, we were in a better place to get our family and friends a bit more comfortable with the idea; where folks would once wiggle their nose at the name, when they saw him (or his picture) they all saw Hans, and there was no nose wrinkling - they'd come to know and love him as that. As who he was.

five months

i can't believe it's been that long. in some ways, it seems like an eternity since hans slipped away from us. and then sometimes, it's like it's happening right now.

either way, i always want him back.

by his six month birthday, i might have conceived his brother or sister, although i won't know yet one way or the other. but i hope.

i dreamed last night that we had twins (!), both boys. one was much smaller than the other - maybe skipper-doll-sized - and i looked at him and looked at justin and said, "i know we agreed not to use the name sebastian, but look at him - he's such a sebastian!"

if it weren't for justin's family tradition of the firstborn sons having the same initials, johannes would have been sebastian. if we have another son, we've agreed we won't use sebastian, because to have two sons named johannes and sebastian would just be a little too...musically precious. and anyway, justin came up with THE name this week for if our second child is a boy.

we haven't come up with THE name for a girl yet. for now i'm referring to the hypothetical her as prunella. why not? people have been named worse.

i'm a little intrigued by the twins dream. it's not the first one i've had. i would be okay with twins, although there would be increased risk, which i would rather avoid, but to have two children for one pregnancy - what a deal!

findings of my house committee on un-american activities

j*n and l**ne have left [just trying to ward off googlers with prying eyes], and i'm kind of sad. their holiday made me feel like i was on holiday from the more sordid aspects of my existence. before they left, we had french toast and peaches and went to target, which they don't have in canuckistan. i considered going home with them to toronto; i could call my boss in the morning and say, "calling from out of the country too expensive to talk i lost my passport and can't get past customs won't be in today bye!" i like it in toronto. except that real estate is kind of crazy expensive. cost of living is one of the spectacular things about living in cleveland. and they don't have target in toronto, and i don't know if i could live without target. but according to this quiz, maybe i should have gone home with them. i am apparently only 34% american - and i live here.

a rock 'n roll kinda day

after staying out late and sleeping until noon, we walked up to the market and sat in the square and ate our falafels, walked home and hung out a while, then went to the rock and roll hall of fame, which was not too bad, but was too clean for rock and roll. we discussed over puerto rican food that what the hall needed was to be dirtied up - some cigarette butts and beer rubbed into the carpet, bathrooms with no doors on the stalls and graffiti on the walls, smoky haze in the air.

and throughout the day, we talked about our children, past (strummer and hans), present (their bun in the oven) and future. and talking about all these things makes the future seem...possible. it gives me hope.

we celebrated our hope by buying a sippy cup from the gift shop for strummer's brother or sister. it says "kids rock". and they do.

i blog, therefore i am

i'm beginning to think that blogging is a big part of what makes my life today possible.

blogging has been my therapy, much more so than my formal therapy. here in our blog is where i work out my grief, my fear, my confusion. and then sometimes, the blog is my group therapy, too, when other bloggers come to my aid.

blogging amongst other parents of dead children has given me a feeling of community. i'm very big on community. this community allows me to feel like my current existence is normal, which in turn becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

what did i do before i blogged??? oh, that's right - i took medication.

thank you to everyone who has become a part of my online community. i'd be lost without you. :)

surprise, surprise: the indians lost

deadbabymama and laine made it safely here in time for the indians game tonight. the indians' loss was sucky, but they made up for it with spectacular fireworks after the game. after an hour trying to get out of the parking lot, we made it to siam cafe just as they closed, so (in typical american fashion) we got in the car to go across the street to bo loong, where we were subjected to abyssmal karaoke while we ate shrimp in black bean sauce and bean curd and eggplant. tomorrow we're headed to the market and then to the rock hall, which is great, because we've never been to the rock hall, even though we've lived about a mile from it for three years; their visit is helping us do tourist stuff in our own town. more than that, though, it's awesome to hang out with people with whom we can joke about hans. such a relief.

what you can do for me (and you)

vixanne reminded me today of the mom's study on stillbirth. i haven't posted on it in ages, and when i got home i had the international stillbirth alliance's newletter in my box, and they announced that the study is closing in september. so if you're the mother of a stillborn child, please complete the survey. if you know the mother of a stillborn child, please recruit them. and it helps the study if the surveyee (that can't possibly be a word) also provides a control subject - someone who had a live birth within a year of the subject's stillbirth. i will be eternally grateful if you do it.

*****

what else can you do? contribute to my bitterness-fest below. we've had some truly outstanding additions to my list of crappy parents. please do your part and add your favorite unfit parent group to the list. thanks.

good things for today

1. despite what this much-discussed article suggests OBs think, i have a really thoughtful, kind, engaged OB i can trust and who is sincere with me and takes my concerns seriously. maybe he's the exception, but boy, am i glad to have him.

2. deadbabymama and her husband are coming tomorrow. we're going to do a victory lap around cleveland this weekend celebrating her bun in the oven!

3. today i feel the first little tingles of something like anticipation for our next, yet-to-be-conceived child. i've been wanting another child, since about two seconds after i delivered hans, but until today it has been impossible for me to imagine being even a fraction as invested in another child as i was in hans. i felt the first of the tingles this morning when i was in the shower and justin walked in and said the perfect name if we have another son. or maybe it was because the fan was on me and i caught a chill. either way, it's THE name. i'm actually a tiny bit excited. woo-hoo!

*****

you know what really gets my goat? (you didn't know i had a goat, did you. i don't, but it would make for a good story, wouldn't it? "billy: goat in the city" - i should write that book. "what happens when you take a goat out of the country and plunk him in the funeral plot-sized yard of two young urbanites who really, when you get right down to it, are not meant to be animal custodians. billy loves their garden - he finds the stargazer lillies particularly tasty, much to his new owners' chagrin. hijinks ensue. at the end of the day, though, everyone learns a valuable lesson and shares a good-natured chuckle. and the goat talks. talking animals sell, don't they? and what is it with me going on about a goat story for a whole paragraph? maybe i've got goat on the brain after my exchange earlier this week with my favorite college radio dj, who played this really dumb song about a goat by the frogs on monday. i may need to make another visit to my therapist. if i start dreaming about goats, that's the last straw. do goats eat straw? never mind.)

no, really, what bothers me right now isn't being around children (we went to the zoo last night and there were zillions of them and they were lovely) - it's being around crappy parents. please pardon me while i get all judgmental. here's my list of crappy parents:

1. parents who are too young
2. parents who yell at their kids
3. especially parents who yell at their kids in public
4. parents who have more kids than they can reasonably devote their attention to (sorry about the dangling participle)
5. parents who are too immature to be the adult (this item is in addition to item #1, since immaturity is not restricted to too-young parents)
6. parents who hit their kids (while i'm opposed to corporal punishment, i know there are people who believe in it, and i'm not trying to be disrespectful of their parenting choices; i do acknowledge that there is a difference between spanking a child out of love and spanking them in anger or out of frustration or just plain abuse. but i still don't like it.)
7. parents who consider their kids their servants

give me some time and i'm sure i'll come up with some other categories of parents i despise. it's one of the few perks of losing a child - i get to be all superior and righteous and snooty to other parents; and why shouldn't i be? my child has never misbehaved or been cranky or challenging. if you're the parent of a perfect child like mine, feel free to add to the list. you're entitled!

and now, dancing pierogies

i saw these on my way to work yesterday. every pierogie should be this happy.

you'll notice i saw these on my way to work yesterday. today, i'm not going to work. we just got home from our consultation with the ob, and we're both taking the whole day off to contemplate what we discussed this morning, catch up on sleep, and go to the zoo tonight.

we talked about handling freakouts. my ob has always, always encouraged me to call him or come in any time (even when he's just talked to me the third time in a week), so i'm not worried about that kind of access, but i wanted to know if i could come in just to hear the heartbeat (answer: yes, of course) and if i could tell anyone who was rude to get out (i have the feeling that a certain nurse anesthetist is going to get a good talking-to after our chat today). he was also reassuring about my egg quality; dubious egg quality is not the kind of thing that causes hans's two-vessel chord, which seemed to be the cause of all the other problems he had, so yea for that.

one of my big questions was whether i should see him, or a peri, or both. the thing is, i already saw three of the peris regularly last time, especially when i was getting weekly monitoring, and i would see them again for much of the monitoring and testing. as to regular visits, the way their practice works, the peris only do consultations and don't have their own patients except for a few extreme cases that involve daily management. my ob was already regularly discussing my case with them last time and would be doing so again if there were any problems, but he did offer to schedule a consultation with a peri for me if i wanted. i think i'm okay, though. i'm operating on a philosophy of being prepared for anything but assuming nothing is wrong unless presented with evidence otherwise.

justin brought up my stopping the antidepressant cold turkey, so i explained why i did it to the doctor. he is comfortable with me taking it or not taking it, as i choose, until midway through a pregnancy. after that, it would have to be pretty dire for him to recommend it. i can live with that. i'm certainly open to going back on medication if my anxiety becomes so high as to affect my or my child's health, but short of that, i'd rather live without it right now.

why i should be uncomfortable saying "vagina" out loud to my ob at this point is a mystery, but i was. for crying out loud, i'm 35, i grew up with a mother who was a nurse (and a pretty pragmatic one, at that), and this person has at this point spent hours looking at my hoo-ha. at least i didn't say "down there" - that would be a disgrace from which i don't think i could recover.

the end result is that i feel much, much better after the visit, like a physical load has been lifted from my chest. i'll feel even better after we get past this month's ovulatory point and can quit using condoms. (i have a latex allergy, so the condoms we use are more like baggies, the kind that used to come with a cartoon alligator on the box, and they make baggie noises.) after that, whatever happens, happens. bring it on.

depression watch, day 2

i'm so depressed...

how depressed are you, lauralu?

i'm so depressed i am letting my garden go. the coleus leaves are folding inward. the ferns have shrivelled. at least 100 dead roses need to be pruned. the morning glory has taken over, well, everything. spider webs conjoin stalks of gayfeather. weeds abound. i just can't do anything about it. i haven't even shooed away a stray cat in more than a week. it's that bad.

although i did pick up two empty ramen noodle wrappers from the sidewalk in front of my house as i came home. what ramen wrappers were doing on my sidewalk remains a mystery. i'm sure there's a good story; i wish i knew it. i could use the entertainment.

*****

i sent justin on to los straitjackets without me. i need the sleep. instead, i got a spicy tuna and a philly roll at kimo's and came home to update my links (look! i finally did it!) and get ready for my doctor's appointment in the morning. we're having the big talk (the "how will we handle my freakouts in my next pregnancy" talk) - wish us luck. i'm actually nervous.

for now, i must go shave my legs in case there's a physical exam tomorrow. i wouldn't want my ob to think i'm as slovenly as i actually am.

why i (almost) never watch tv

at 9:00 on tuesday night, the least horrid thing on is "according to jim". sheesh.

i'm back

my weekend trip was short but sweet. j.d. is fabulous. and he is not johannes. i can't tell you how relieved i am for my mental health that i can separate them. j.d. is sweet and happy and precocious and a prolific spitterupper. i'm so glad i got to hang out with him (even if i had to do laundry twice in one afternoon). while my sister and her husband were at a wedding, my mom and i took j.d. shopping, and i taught him about the importance of shoe-shopping and how to look out for red stickers, which usually means "clearance", which is a very good thing. the boy needs to know these things. and if i don't teach him, who will?

when i got back sunday, we went to brunch with our friend randy, who was stuck here over the weekend between two weeks of being here for work. after we took justin to work, randy started tinkering with my downstairs bathrom faucet, and three trips to home depot later we have new faucets in that bathroom and at the kitchen sink and a window a/c unit for our downstairs bedroom. to thank him, i made big bowls of spaghetti and sauce with (veggie) meatballs and italian vegetables and strawberry shortcake (randy's favorite of my vegan desserts). it was the least i could do. but it meant i didn't get a nap, and i only got about four hours of sleep saturday night, and i didn't get to bed until midnight, and boy, am i dragging my tail. i should be asleep now but my clock is all messed up.

*****

i am definitely depressed. and why shouldn't i be? i could go back on the antidepressant, but i think i would just be delaying at least the darker parts of my grief. i'm hitting some black patches, but strangely it's not scary. when i was similarly depressed before, i hadn't identified the reason for it - now that was scary. but this time i know exactly what's up, and i'm up for it. i want to look my grief in the eye and stare it down. i want to lay down on the end of the runway and let the jet take off over me. i want my life back, and i'm willing to fight for it.

*****

we're talking about going to see los straightjackets tuesday night at the beachland, but i don't know. i'm pooped. it will mean another late night, and i have to get up early for a dr's appointment wednesday morning, and then wednesday night we're going to the zoo with david and toni and company. deadbabymama and hubbie are coming to see us friday (yea!!!!!!!!!!!!), which will probably involve much frolicking and little sleep, and i want to be rested up for it. we'll see. it looks like such a great show - i hate to miss it.

and now, a word to my family

i have a suspicion that maybe some members of my family are reading this blog. if so, i'd like you to knock it off.

it's unethical for you to lurk here uninvited. it's equal to sneaking into my room and reading my diary, or recording me in therapy without my permission. and it's disingenuous for you to pretend to be surprised if i tell you something you've already read here.

there is no rationalization to be made for it. i'm not contemplating self-destruction or kidnapping someone else's child, so you wouldn't be reading this blog for my protection. you can rest assured i will tell you everything you need to know about me, and then some.

i could take other measures. i could password-protect the blog. i could move it somewhere else, or just shut it down. but i shouldn't have to do anything so drastic. this is my space, afterall. and the experience of writing here has been far more therapeutic for me than any actual therapy i've had. i know you love me and want me to be happy and to continue healing from the trauma of hans's death; you can help me by not reading this blog so i can continue to work out my inner feelings without feeling i have you looking over my shoulder.

most of all, i'd like you to be an adult about it and respect my (and justin's privacy). to continue to read it after this statement would constitute a gross violation of boundaries, and we've had enough trouble with boundaries in this family to last us a lifetime, haven't we? we don't need to continue the dysfunctional pattern here.

of course, it's entirely possible that i'm completely paranoid (and wouldn't that be ironic, because then i really could use an intervention), but if that's the case, then no one in my family is reading this message anyway, so it won't matter.

but if you are reading, please just stop.

craptasticity

i'm reconsidering my decision to go off the serzone right now. i only gave up carrying around the xanax (which i hadn't taken in forever, anyway) this week, and boy am i sorry i don't have it now.

i've got haley joel osment ("i see dead people") disease. i see hans everywhere. i want it to stop because it's driving me crazy, but i don't want to let go of those images, either, because it's almost all i have of him. it's making it difficult for me to think about trying to conceive our next child, but i don't have the luxury of waiting until these things have passed. i will be 36 in three months, and i may or may not have dubious egg quality, considering that hans - my beautiful, inexplicably flawed hans - was the best egg available that month he was conceived.

i couldn't enjoy the sloan show last night - i felt too disconnected. plus the lead singer was kind of hammy.

in the midst of all my turmoil, i made a grievous bank error. i really need to draw one of those yellow "bank error in your favor" monopoly cards right now.

i'm flying to florida tomorrow to spend the weekend with my family, and i'm going to keep my nephew while the rest of them go to a wedding on saturday. i've been looking forward to it for two weeks and now i feel a little panicky at the thought of enduring the smiles and gurgles and advanced motor development of hans's cousin-twin.

did i mention that my eyes and my brain hurt? i'm having some kind of weird dissonance that causes physical pain to my head.

at least the weather has cooled off enough that i can climb in bed when i get home and pull the covers over my head without getting heat stroke.

why my night wasn't as good as justin's even though we were at the same concert

last night in public square, we miraculously found an untaken seat on a bench - maybe available because it was facing away from the orchestra, which was okay because it allowed me to people watch. all the little kids had red and blue flashing sparkly thingys (what are they called?) they were twirling around. (when i was a kid, we only got those plain glow-in-the-dark necklaces; these kids today don't know how good they've got it!)

and then i suddenly pictured hans, three years from now, waving his sparkly thingy, twirling like the fairy boy he almost certainly would have been. i hate to cry in public places, but hopefully the dark protected most of the people around us from being aware of it. the image of him squeezed my heart too hard.

*****

on a happier note, because i called in four times, i was the fourth caller monday morning on the boogiepop does not smile show on wcsb and therefore won the sloan tickets, so tonight we're going out for sushi and a show. going out always makes me feel better.

a spectacular evening in Cleveland

Really. I mean that. Greater Cleveland, for once, wasn't an oxymoron.

After having been so impressed with what Pittsburgh has done with itself, I was feeling a bit, shall we say, inferior about Cleveland. Sure, Cleveland is a great place to live, and I do my best to make it a great place to visit, infact, I should be on Cleveland's Welcome Wagon/Visitors Bureau I'm such a booster. The trip to Pittsburgh really had me down, though, wishing and wondering about our own cities lost potential.

I needed something good to happen.

And it did, just a few short nights after our return to Cleveland. The Cleveland Orchestra's 16th annual Star-Spangled Spectacular Concert and Festival.

The Orchestra is one of the best things going for Cleveland, not only are they one of the best symphony's in the world, they are quite active in the community. Every year, they offer up their thanks to all of Cleveland by throwing two free concert festivals. In February, they open the doors to Severance Hall (an incredible piece of architecture in it's own, let alone one of the most magnificent music listening venues in the world) for a free Martin Luther King Jr. day performance. School children all over NE Ohio most certainly remember this as a memorable school field trip. In July, the entire downtown Public Square is transformed for the Independance Day festivities: a meet and greet with the orchestra in the after noon, followed by a performance, often enjoyed by tens of thousands of Clevelanders, folding chairs, beach blankets spread everywhere. Tens of thousands of us, a sea of people, enjoying the music and an awesome fireworks display over the Terminal Tower.

Tonights program consisted of:

J.S. SMITH The Star-Spangled Banner
WILLIAMS Olympic Fanfare & Theme
STRAVINSKY Greeting Prelude (on Happy Birthday)
in commemoration of Tower City Center’s 75th Birthday
WAGNER Lohengrin, Prelude to Act III
J. STRAUSS, JR. Thunder and Lightning Polka
SHOSTAKOVICH Festive Overture
BERNSTEIN Overture to Candide
GOULD American Salute (“When Johnny Comes Marching Home”)
GERSHWIN Cuban Overture
TCHAIKOVSKY Overture, “The Year 1812”
WARD America, the Beautiful
SOUSA March, “The Stars and Stripes Forever”


I'm not generally an overtly patriotic American, and truth be told, I am lucky enough to have access to tickets to Cleveland Orchesta tickets at Severance a few times a year, when they are performing some more challenging, and entertaining pieces. For this I am grateful, but there is something about the Pops summertime set, which is filled with patriotic as apple pie tunage, that just tugs at my heart strings.

It's music that everyone knows: accessible, folks humming along, clapping their hands, and children dancing on the feet of their parents. It's absolutely darling.

It's a rare moment where I temporarily forget about all the ill in the world, and just count my blessing that I was born in the time and place that I was born.

roadtrip: pittsburghs best pierogies?

Pittsburgh is absolutely gorgeous. Really, it is. It's brilliantly seated in a valley with mountains on all sides. The first view of the city coming through the tunnel is, itself, well worth the 2 1/2 hour drive from Cleveland.

After cruising around town, checking out the hill neighborhoods and the river views, we settled into the South Side Flats neighborhood, in search of the Bridge Tavern, a place for which I'd been promised to find "the worlds best pierogies".

That's a high standard to live up to.

We drove up and down the South Side Flats, looking for the tavern. I was really impressed with what Pittsburgh has done with itself in the ten or so years since I've last been there. South Side seemed to have several miles of uninterupted Bohemian life: Cafes, pubs, restaurants, botiques, theaters, tattoo joints, rock venues. The whole deal.

Folks were everywhere. It was a spectacular, starry evening, and everyone was up for a night out. I'm not kidding when I say that Pittsburghs entertainment district was more happening than what I see in larger cities like San Francisco and Seattle. Perhaps it's that the entertainment district is more concentrated here, but cities of this size, and larger could seemingly learn alot from Pittsburgh. Everything seemed just right.

Anyhow, walking, and Shopping, around all day I had worked up an appetite, so we bellied up to the Bridge Tavern bar for some pierogies. When I mentioned to the bartender that we'd come from Cleveland, on a recommendation by some random bloke on an internet travel sight, for Pittsburghs best pierogies, she just laughed. "You must have meant to visit the Bloomingfield Bridge Tavern, we serve up Mrs. T's here ..."

Indeed! As it turns out, there are two Bridge Taverns in Pittsburgh: one that specializes in delicious, homemade pyrohy - and a beer and shot joint. I found myself in the beer and shot joint. "Don't worry, it happens more often than you'd expect, have a Staub, and I'll make sure the kitchen takes care of you."

All was not lost. We may not have had homemade pierogies that night, but we did have a plateful of Mrs. T's, done up in a mess of "metal rippin" buffalo sauce. A nice, unbelievably tasty idea. Straub was flowing, freely, and the folks in the Birmingham Bridge Tavern were quite accomodating to their guests. Never mind that we come from BrownsTown.

in a vegetarian state

so far, the vegetarian-except-for-fish thing is working out for me. when i reeeeeeally want meat, i either (a) have fish instead or (b) have the things that would normally go with meat (thereby tricking myself into thinking i'm having a meat dish). or in the case of this afternoon, when i smelled ten million grills smoking, i (c) had a veggie burger (god bless burger king). i'm not losing any more weight, dangit, but i do feel better, and my rosacea seems to be clearing up - a plus since i've given up makeup since hans died. i did have a pang of regret saturday when we walked into the west side market and i realized i couldn't have an italian sausage sandwich for breakfast; i wish i had added those things to my list of exceptions (fish, argentinean beef) when i started, but it feels like cheating to add to the list now, after the fact.

if nothing else, at least it will be easier to raise a vegetarian kid if i'm not eating big ol' steaks myself. i've never been a big fan of the do-as-i-say, not-as-i-do philosophy.

*****

i went shopping this afternoon for a dress to wear to two weddings - one in august and one labor day weekend - so i wanted something i could wear to both. the thing is, even though i wasn't exactly svelte pre-hans, i could at least always find something to wear. now, every flaw has been exaggerated. no designer or manufacturer cuts to my bizarre dimensions. i don't have the time to have something custom-made, and i hate to spend that much money on something i'll wear twice. so i sucked it up and tried on dress after dress after dress after dress - it was exhausting. i finally found a silk, two-piece dress that's kind of greek-goddess-y. i actually love the skirt, but the top is...difficult. it's kind of ruffly-drapy and shows far, far more skin than i would normally show. but it will work, and at least my hips and legs will look fabulous, even if my top half is overexposed. it just occurred to me - maybe all that skin will distract people from noticing the less-flattering aspects of the top. well, i can dream, can't i?

why does it have to be soooooo difficult?

*****

have you noticed that i use an obscene number of hyphens? i'm very hyphen-happy. see? i just did it again!

*****

we are rearranging and reorganizing our bedroom, and we decided to put together a little wall-o-hans in one corner under a dormer. i got coordinating frames for the certificate with his hand and foot prints and some pictures of him, but i'm having trouble figuring out which ink cartridge in my printer is empty. before i realized i had an ink shortage, i also lined up 24 photos to go in a couple of pocket-sized baby photo albums we bought a while back so we could carry a little bit of him with each of us, so none of my photo ambitions are being realized today. i really need something to go right.

*****

i'm picking up justin from work in a few minutes, and we're going to try to see a little bit of some city's fireworks, but we don't have a good track record. five years ago today, we were in a plane flying from new york to jacksonville and watched the fireworks display of every city along the east coast from overhead, but it's been downhill from there. the next year, we spent the evening trying to find a ladder tall enough to reach the roof of the entry way of his old condo to retrieve his car keys which i had thrown on to the roof in a fit of anger (i really meant to toss them to justin, honest - the anger just caused my throw to be a little wild). last year on the fourth, only we knew we were pregnant, a thought i hugged to me as i watched the fireworks in public square with greg and dyan - while justin sat stuck on the train trying to get to us, which he did about 20 minutes after the fireworks were over. wish us luck tonight - we'll need it.

fireworks central

my neighborhood is fireworks crazy. people have been setting them off for a month here, and if last summer is any indication, it will continue until august. i like a pretty light spray as much as the next person, but i'm sick of the popping noises. i'm getting jumpy.

*****

it's taken me a while to catch up on my blogs (which sounds uncomfortably like a redneck housewife of the previous generation talking about "her stories"). david finally got his interview posted - and he gave some most intriguing answers, i must say; apparently i missed the hamlet references in strange brew. mb picked up anam cara's interview request, and her answers are now posted, too; i love that she's been everywhere! holly - i will post your questions soon!

*****

friday, oh friday - it was good, then very bad, then good again.

we didn't leave town until noon, but we got to rock out to the radio - as hard as one can rock in a white volvo station wagon.

and then we drove 60 miles past pittsburgh before we realized it and had to drive 60 miles back. we're so used to traveling by the seat of our pants that neither of us bothered with directions to the places we wanted to go, but we didn't have the normal travel luxury of days to figure it out. so we wasted two hours, which was the last straw for me. i so badly needed to get out of town. i still do. i need to sleep on hotel sheets. i need to eat in new restaurants. i can't explain it - i just know that these things renew me. and this day was not doing it. and i kept having misplaced hans moments. at a rest stop, there was a lovely picnic area and i thought, oh, we could take hans there. i had moments like that one all day. so when we got lost, i just lost it. hans should have been in the back seat, being cranky and making us have to stop frequently.

after we got back on track, we made ourselves feel better by spending a chunk of change at ikea. at last - the family wagon comes in handy! we got a loveseat, a coffee table, two chests and a large rug into the back. or i should say, justin did. i mostly just watched him and looked pretty.

(what is wrong with the "add image" function? i've tried three times to add the picture that shows just how full our car was - otherwise you'd never believe it. now you just have to take my word for it.)

afterwards we found a bar in the south side flats where some of justin's old friends from the regional hard core scene play sometimes (although not friday night) and ate pierogies fried in hot sauce - amazingly good.

so even if we were missing hans, we were together, and that made it okay.

*****

saturday we tackled too many house projects at once and were running late for salad night, but it was okay because it was just mike and kath and charlie that came over - everyone else in the known universe went out of town for the whole weekend - and we don't have to impress them. they hung out in the kitchen with us while we made insalata caprese and warm potato salad (minus the bacon fat for which i compensated with double-strength veggie boullion) and a pecan pie (my first ever!), and mike brought his famous lentil salad. after dinner we sat in the backyard and ate our dessert, and then it actually got chilly so we came in for coffee, but as soon as we poured it, charlie woke up and thus ended the evening.

justin and i walked up to hollywood video and rented the first disk of the first season of six feet under. we only got through the pilot last night; tonight we'll tackle the next episode. i laughed out loud several times during the pilot; i don't remember ever doing that watching any episode of the show before - i.e. before hans died. maybe it makes a difference.

today i have done nothing but last night's dishes. i did get groceries and take a little nap, which was shortened by my mother calling. tomorrow i will get more done, i promise.

let me explain the rules again

if you get interviewed, you have to offer to interview someone else (maybe that's why david is hiding).

michelle posted her answers this evening - see the comments section after my questions posted earlier today for mb. thanks, michelle! i loved reading your answers, although you're so cute and blonde that i have a hard time imagining you as a general contractor, which probably says more about my bias than it does about you.

michelle did put out a challenge at the end of her answers to write your epitaph - in 15 words or less. i'm going to need a little time on that one, but i'll let you know.

*****

i met calvin's mom toni (and his brother orson) tonight at the mad greek for dinner. toni kindly answered all 300 of my questions about her experiences with calvin and his death and subsequently with zelda and orson and was very reassuring. although she did ask me something like, why aren't you freaking out more?!?!? ha!

toni has asked to be interviewed, but she doesn't have a blog. i promised her five questions if she'll start a blog. stay tuned for more developments.

*****

we are going to pittsburgh for the day tomorrow as soon as we wake up and probably won't be back until late. saturday, we must clean house like crazy and prune the roses and so forth and then we're having people over for salad night (because we're crazyurbanhip like that), so it could be a few days before we blog again. on the other hand, a car trip will give us plenty of time to think about embarking on the conception of our second child, therefore giving us plenty of deep thoughts about which to blog. either that, or plenty of time to fight. we've only taken a handful of road trips, and that's when we fight. we'll report back. have a good weekend.